One by one...
The signs are telling me something, and that I really need to watch out.
I know what I should be doing.
Yet, why do I chose to put them aside?
Have been up all night.
My threshold of pain is lower now.
Up there, something hammers incessantly
while the nerves get stretched to taut fragile lines.
Pain...is not good for sanity.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Child - Sylvia Plath
Child
Your clear eye is the one absolutely beautiful thing.
I want to fill it with color and ducks,
The zoo of the new
Whose names you meditate ---
April snowdrop, Indian pipe,
Little
Stalk without wrinkle,
Pool in which images
Should be grand and classical
Not this troublous
Wringing of hands, this dark
Ceiling without a star.
Her poems are sometimes dark and troubled, mirroring the inner recesses of her own mind. But dig deeper, and you will see the beauty in her style and the creativity of her imagery.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Does everything come with a price?
Over the past months, I have been following the progress of someone whose outlook on things sometimes run counter to my own beliefs and thinking. I have found myself wavering between hope and despair, with many many moments of exasperation in between.
Some asked me point blank why I even bother. Why would I allow someone, who clearly has an extremely strong will, affect me...It is most likely that he does not even realise that he has that ability to rattle me. Nor does this person seem to care about the way I feel.
I cannot answer that.
I know, that in God's grand scheme of things, somehow, this person is the one whom He entrusted upon me.
Yes, I know I speak of 'choices'...but even when I made the decision to draw the line, the chain of events that follow will ultimately lead me back to square 1.
So I accept my challenge, and I will follow through.
By right, this child is no different from the rest.
All have their stubborn streaks and moments of wilfulness. All caused heartaches and heartbreaks along the way. I have learnt to pick up the broken pieces and move on. Though I do not know if I will survive this one...or will be around long enough to follow through.
This child is a bundle of contractions if I may say so.
Detached, pragmatic and such a realist...that he unwittingly and silently screams for attention. Short of being cold and callous...he behaves in a manner as such because, he thinks is such - devoid of any capacity of feeling.There are times when I feel that my presence in his life must be likened to that of an annoying mosquito, buzzing around, trying to suck blood out of him. And yes, I have been felt the sensation of being smacked to death and flicked away.
But interestingly, nothing is ever good enough.
If you go deeper, it means that at least this person is capable of feeling albeit seemingly negative ones. And what follows, I see, is someone who is so scared of feelings that all are suppressed, never to be opened. It is so much safer that way. So "kill..or be killed".
To him, things that happen come at a price. Consequences of actions all reflect a cost; and the scales of the balance fall into disfavour because of one shortcoming, a flaw, or just plain bad luck. The actions of the future are all governed by what is done badly or not done in the past.
I find that very sad. A 'cost' deemed as the price one pays for actions; the toll, the sacrifice, the loss, the penalty, the damage incurred.
There is nothing I can do at the moment to change this. Even if I were to drop dead tomorrow will likely not have an impact.
But...I look up above, and I remember my amanah.
I will not give up on this child...at all costs.
Cost of being there for a child,any child , is priceless.
This is my duty, and I chose to do it willingly.
Dear God,
There are days...you know what I mean.
Do not let my own fears and insecurities overwhelm me.
Guide me.
Ameen.
Some asked me point blank why I even bother. Why would I allow someone, who clearly has an extremely strong will, affect me...It is most likely that he does not even realise that he has that ability to rattle me. Nor does this person seem to care about the way I feel.
I cannot answer that.
I know, that in God's grand scheme of things, somehow, this person is the one whom He entrusted upon me.
Yes, I know I speak of 'choices'...but even when I made the decision to draw the line, the chain of events that follow will ultimately lead me back to square 1.
So I accept my challenge, and I will follow through.
By right, this child is no different from the rest.
All have their stubborn streaks and moments of wilfulness. All caused heartaches and heartbreaks along the way. I have learnt to pick up the broken pieces and move on. Though I do not know if I will survive this one...or will be around long enough to follow through.
This child is a bundle of contractions if I may say so.
Detached, pragmatic and such a realist...that he unwittingly and silently screams for attention. Short of being cold and callous...he behaves in a manner as such because, he thinks is such - devoid of any capacity of feeling.There are times when I feel that my presence in his life must be likened to that of an annoying mosquito, buzzing around, trying to suck blood out of him. And yes, I have been felt the sensation of being smacked to death and flicked away.
But interestingly, nothing is ever good enough.
If you go deeper, it means that at least this person is capable of feeling albeit seemingly negative ones. And what follows, I see, is someone who is so scared of feelings that all are suppressed, never to be opened. It is so much safer that way. So "kill..or be killed".
To him, things that happen come at a price. Consequences of actions all reflect a cost; and the scales of the balance fall into disfavour because of one shortcoming, a flaw, or just plain bad luck. The actions of the future are all governed by what is done badly or not done in the past.
I find that very sad. A 'cost' deemed as the price one pays for actions; the toll, the sacrifice, the loss, the penalty, the damage incurred.
There is nothing I can do at the moment to change this. Even if I were to drop dead tomorrow will likely not have an impact.
But...I look up above, and I remember my amanah.
I will not give up on this child...at all costs.
Cost of being there for a child,any child , is priceless.
This is my duty, and I chose to do it willingly.
Dear God,
There are days...you know what I mean.
Do not let my own fears and insecurities overwhelm me.
Guide me.
Ameen.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
When Words Fail...
When the words fail...
Music speaks
and sends a message of harmony within
with its soothing or uplifiting melodies.
When words fail...
A hand declares your frustrations, anger or despair
And reaches out for comfort, assurance and hope.
When words fail...
A face voices the myriad of emotions
Of your fears, hurt or joy.
The eyes mirror quiet thoughts
through the tears that fall.
When words fail...
A head is bowed in soundless prayer
What matters, is that you are 'just there'
Saying nothing... yet doing so much.
What words fail...
Pictures of the mind can
Dance with the pen to utter it all.
When words fail...
You don't.
Silence…is power.
Music speaks
and sends a message of harmony within
with its soothing or uplifiting melodies.
When words fail...
A hand declares your frustrations, anger or despair
And reaches out for comfort, assurance and hope.
When words fail...
A face voices the myriad of emotions
Of your fears, hurt or joy.
The eyes mirror quiet thoughts
through the tears that fall.
When words fail...
A head is bowed in soundless prayer
What matters, is that you are 'just there'
Saying nothing... yet doing so much.
What words fail...
Pictures of the mind can
Dance with the pen to utter it all.
When words fail...
You don't.
Silence…is power.
I Salute You,My Esteemed Friend
Over the past months, I have suspended my writing for some many reasons. Instead, I spent my time trawling other blogs; in particular, one which belonged to a very special individual. She is relatively new to the blogging world, and yet, she has managed to fill it up with so many beautiful and interesting things. And I just love the way she puts things into perspective.
Her style is definitely different. Yet most of the time, the topics we touch on are quite similar. We share a common passion...a love for the kids. But she works wonders with them.
She gives her all...and I am nowhere a fraction near her level of compassion and kindness.
Dear friend,
I know why you do the things you do...and what drives you.
And as for your latest decision, I respect you for being brave to take that extra difficult step. You have a lot more courage than I do...for I have been trying to do the same things for two years now but did nothing.
I'll be watching and praying for you.
That you remain strong and resolute.
Thank you.
Her style is definitely different. Yet most of the time, the topics we touch on are quite similar. We share a common passion...a love for the kids. But she works wonders with them.
She gives her all...and I am nowhere a fraction near her level of compassion and kindness.
Dear friend,
I know why you do the things you do...and what drives you.
And as for your latest decision, I respect you for being brave to take that extra difficult step. You have a lot more courage than I do...for I have been trying to do the same things for two years now but did nothing.
I'll be watching and praying for you.
That you remain strong and resolute.
Thank you.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Things happen for a reason
No excuses.
I am going to start to write again. Though now, it is hard to express all the many thoughts and feelings that are stuck in my brain.
I close my eyes, and sometimes, I see colours. Globs of light interplaying with my random thoughts. Or when I come close to some people, sparks of light flash across. Then there are those, whose light are so faint, or too dark for me to fathom. Don't ask me why...I just know they are there.
I start with those whose colours are bright lately.
KC - who fears and uncertainties are there. But the joy...such great joy at being at such an esteemed place will help conquer. Remember, you are there, because you earned that right.
Blue butterfly: - You project a rainbow
No one has much colour as you, or intense pure light. You know your purpose..you remained through to yourself and HIM. I can only learn; so much from your sincerity and faith. I am humbled my friend, and so ashamed of how little I do, compared to you. Yet you flit...you never stay long enough for people to clip those wings.
Sky - in thunder, lightning and in rain...I feel you the strongest.
Be it even in sunshine. You have learnt to pick up mine too. It's pretty confusing sometimes when sun rays meet thunderbolts...and I prefer to think of it as yin and yang.
Blaque: Time has certainly mellowed my spirited one. You have remained green for a long time now, and that is so comforting.
Yan: My nemesis...now, my friend. Ya..ya..you're right. Some FB status are meant for you. You know how to decipher them.
Spiderman: Tingling senses again? hahaha...your 'gifts', use them wisely my child. For they should serve as warnings to you too, instead of just for others.
Gusti:...my friend. Our conversation about why things happen for a reason (be it known or unknown) helped me to piece so many puzzling pieces together. I still do not understand, I still am very much afraid. But I will learn...haha...20 years to solve a riddle? Do I have that long?
Finally
AB: who lately unwittingly put me through a series of roller-coaster rides.Maybe that is why you do not feel anything...cos someone else does the feeling for you(?!) But colours...if you can find my old entry last year...find the one that says..."the colours I see around you has faded"...this time round...it's blue...
Anyway...you are the special child...and confusion is part of the mystery that I have come to accept.
I hope it is not too random for you to understand.
Maybe it is just me.
But hey, writing again. And that is a relief.
I am going to start to write again. Though now, it is hard to express all the many thoughts and feelings that are stuck in my brain.
I close my eyes, and sometimes, I see colours. Globs of light interplaying with my random thoughts. Or when I come close to some people, sparks of light flash across. Then there are those, whose light are so faint, or too dark for me to fathom. Don't ask me why...I just know they are there.
I start with those whose colours are bright lately.
KC - who fears and uncertainties are there. But the joy...such great joy at being at such an esteemed place will help conquer. Remember, you are there, because you earned that right.
Blue butterfly: - You project a rainbow
No one has much colour as you, or intense pure light. You know your purpose..you remained through to yourself and HIM. I can only learn; so much from your sincerity and faith. I am humbled my friend, and so ashamed of how little I do, compared to you. Yet you flit...you never stay long enough for people to clip those wings.
Sky - in thunder, lightning and in rain...I feel you the strongest.
Be it even in sunshine. You have learnt to pick up mine too. It's pretty confusing sometimes when sun rays meet thunderbolts...and I prefer to think of it as yin and yang.
Blaque: Time has certainly mellowed my spirited one. You have remained green for a long time now, and that is so comforting.
Yan: My nemesis...now, my friend. Ya..ya..you're right. Some FB status are meant for you. You know how to decipher them.
Spiderman: Tingling senses again? hahaha...your 'gifts', use them wisely my child. For they should serve as warnings to you too, instead of just for others.
Gusti:...my friend. Our conversation about why things happen for a reason (be it known or unknown) helped me to piece so many puzzling pieces together. I still do not understand, I still am very much afraid. But I will learn...haha...20 years to solve a riddle? Do I have that long?
Finally
AB: who lately unwittingly put me through a series of roller-coaster rides.Maybe that is why you do not feel anything...cos someone else does the feeling for you(?!) But colours...if you can find my old entry last year...find the one that says..."the colours I see around you has faded"...this time round...it's blue...
Anyway...you are the special child...and confusion is part of the mystery that I have come to accept.
I hope it is not too random for you to understand.
Maybe it is just me.
But hey, writing again. And that is a relief.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Head Held High :What You Got Here, Won't Get You There...
For the past few days, I never seem to be able to complete the things that I set out to do. Updating this blog is one good example. The easiest excuse is that there are just too many things to do. But hey, it is a matter of choice.
Today, despite the loads of exam papers that have come in, I decided to put aside some time to write. I am going to reflect on some things that I have read in the book with the above title.
We all know what the phrase alludes to.
If I were to ask myself this, "Where are am I now?", or "Have I arrived?" I wonder if I will be able to answer that immediately. How come there is the hesitation?
I do wish that sometimes I have a built-in GPS system...one that will navigate me directly towards the end point. So far, I have relied on my own internal compass, and thank god, I have managed to find my way through.
Maybe the more pertinent question should be, "Hey...where do I want to go next? How do I get THERE...and how will I know when I am THERE?
Quite often, the root cause of uncertainties come when we are not sure what "THERE" looks like. If we cannot visualise the destination, we will find ourselves constantly getting lost.
The next stage of "THERE" is slowly becoming clear. I have thought things through, and find that I want to be doing that job five years down the road. But before I uproot myself for that journey, I need to make sure that I am prepared for it.
Today, despite the loads of exam papers that have come in, I decided to put aside some time to write. I am going to reflect on some things that I have read in the book with the above title.
We all know what the phrase alludes to.
If I were to ask myself this, "Where are am I now?", or "Have I arrived?" I wonder if I will be able to answer that immediately. How come there is the hesitation?
I do wish that sometimes I have a built-in GPS system...one that will navigate me directly towards the end point. So far, I have relied on my own internal compass, and thank god, I have managed to find my way through.
Maybe the more pertinent question should be, "Hey...where do I want to go next? How do I get THERE...and how will I know when I am THERE?
Quite often, the root cause of uncertainties come when we are not sure what "THERE" looks like. If we cannot visualise the destination, we will find ourselves constantly getting lost.
The next stage of "THERE" is slowly becoming clear. I have thought things through, and find that I want to be doing that job five years down the road. But before I uproot myself for that journey, I need to make sure that I am prepared for it.
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