For my comrade-in-arms

It is the end of the academic year, and the corridors of the schools have fallen quiet.  The loud and familiar noise I am used to have faded.  While I seem to be more busy than usual the past two weeks, the silence is a reprieve.

It is a time to take stock of what has been done in 09...both the good and the bad.
It is also the moments when I ponder on the direction to take.
We learn from our mistakes and move on.

I know I have made a promise to stay.  And I will hold on to that promise.
Once I have fulfuilled my obligations, I will go, as quietly as I can.

But the promises I made are not the only things that is keeping me sane.
I think, my sentiments are best expressed to the prose below.

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

by: Taylor Mali


The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers:
"Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."

I decided to bite my tongue instead of his and resisted the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers. Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.

"I mean, you¹re a teacher, Taylor," he says.  "Be honest. What do you make?"
And I wish he hadn't done that ( to be honest) because, you see, I have a policy about honesty and ass-kicking:
If you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

"You want to know what I make?"

"I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best."

"I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.
No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why."

"I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:  I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen."

"I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be."

"You want to know what I make?"


I make kids wonder,


I make them question.


I make them criticize.


I make them apologize and mean it.


I make them write, write, write.


And then I make them read.


I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely


beautiful over and over and over again until they will never misspell


either one of those words again.


I make them show all their work in math.


And hide it on their final drafts in English.



I make them understand that if you got the brains
then you follow your heart
and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make,
you pay them no attention

Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:

I make a goddamn difference!
What about you?


Well put, Taylor Mali.

There will always times when my friends and I question ourselves why we stay in the profession. For sure, it is not about the money. 
So perhaps the answers lie in what instrinsically motivates us...and that is...the kids.

For Paulus - The Mystery of Life

This is for you, Paulus.

You have asked me a question that many have asked .  "What is life?"
Philosophers, great thinkers, scientists, theologists and even the humble man on the street ponder on that.  There are no complete answers; no consensus, no ready book available with the title "How to live."

Life is a journey of self-discovery.  And how you live out your life, will mark the milestones in your life.
I suppose the easiest way to explain this to you is to quote Shakespeare, from Much Ado About Nothing.

"All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' brow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything." — Jaques (Act II, Scene VII, lines 139-166)

I know that is a whole mouthful.
But in that monologue, the character reflects upon the 7 stages of Man...from birth, a 'whiny schoolboy,' the teenager in love, the idealistic soldier (youth), the justice (or a man making his mark in the world),  an age of wisdom and finally, when man dwindles into second childhood. That basically sums up the whole cycle of life we all go through.

But in this one, perhaps we will look at it from a framework drawn by a well-known psychologist and researcher, Erik Erikson who said that all of us go through 8 stages in our social, emotional and intellectual development.
1. Building Trust and Hope ( 1st 2 years of life)
2. Gaining Autonomy & Individual Will ( 3-4 years)
3. Learning Initiative and Purpose
4. Developing Self-competence (school age))
5. Searching for Self-Identity (teen - youth)
6. Finding Love (young adult)
7. Generative Care
8.Integrity and Wisdom.

You can find more if you do your search engines.

But where are you now?
Probably betwen 4 - 7.
As a youth, you struggled with many things in your search your 'yourself'.  That is when you find yourself as a separate entity from your parents...trying to find the right fit of friends ...trying to understand your values.
For some, this stage is one filled with angst.
You hate being constrained, you think that you are right,and that sometimes, the whole world is against you.  No one seems to understand you.  It is a time when you feel like breaking all conventions just to test.

At that point of life, you struggled with a lot of issues.
There was always that question, "Why me?" or "Who am I?"
And that is why, young people need to look out for others.  You look for like-minded friends, and yearn for special compansionships.  Your body, mind and soul look out for those who can fill this void...this emptiness. However, you may not be ready to be tied down yet...the world is such a exciting place...to explore, to try new things.

If you have partly found yourself, you slowly develop a sense of direction as to where you want to go.
However, this is also the time when you are thrown into 'the real world' full of its harsh realities and hardships.  You are idealistic, and full of drive, but find your attempts thwarted at every direction.

I hope I am making sense to you.
I think you are filled with a little bit of nostalgia at the moment; thinking about how good it would be like to be able to go back to school, and just worry about exams...and not about life.
You have yet to make your mark in the world, and that takes a lot out of your own sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
And that is why, you become very uncertain of what your next move should be.  You want to do so much, but each time you find yourself running smack into obstacles; one after another.

Maybe, I will let you ponder about that for today.
I will get back ...and share my experiences about how to cope with that.

Take care.

Shaken & Stirred

Within a short space of 3 days, many things happened.
And since I know that you will be reading this, I hope you will understand some of my references here.

Firstly, I am still on the topic of the DISC.
I am reflecting on how I perceive my environment, and how I respond to it.
Ok...

I am the high S, high C.(at the other extreme, comes the low D. low I)
Technically, this profiling all came about from choices...both the positive and negative choices I have made, and how they now shape my outlook of things.
Positive psychology looks into areas where one must leverage on one's strengths in order to propel one towards achieving one's goals.  But we all have our cynical and skeptical sides right.

Why have I seem to 'reject' things I once used to enjoy?
I think I was outgoing, gregarious, fun-loving and enthusiatic.
I grew up around so many people, and the nature of my job makes me want to be around people.
Why have I allowed myself to grativate towards introverted tendencies?

Experiences can change a person, both consciously and unconsciously.
I have reached a stage in my life where I am comfortable with who I am..
I love being with my family, and my circle of friends are the selected few.  I touch base with people around me via other means.  There is no longer a great need to be a social butterfly...that is too stressful.
I understand my father a lot better now...while mum makes it a point to go around and physically meet up, abah finds comfort around those who really mean a lot to him.

So what have I become?
Lets see if any of these hit the nail on the head?
By being a low D, I am subservient and docile. I allow people to walk over me. (But for you: I hope you see now why I blew up...Both of us patience have their limits...so while I am used to your short explosions,...you need to understand that when I blow, the eruption is just short of a major catastrophe).I have learned many bitter lessons in the work place, and thus, I am less trusting.  When I remain quiet and observant, others are not sure what I am thinking. Pragmatism has its merits, but I seem to have lost my spirit and my drive.

I want to quote something from my personal profile:
"Your tendency to follow procedures and rules in both your personal and professional life means that you are usually restrained in my emotions. In fact, an aura of cautious deliberation may often surrond you.  Even under pressure, you are likely to remain tactful and diplomatic."

Yes...I have chosen that.
I have chosen to, on many occasions hold my tongue and not say what I truly feel.
I have chosen to remain rational and in control....for I fear that when I don't do that, I will be utterly lost.
I have learned to think before I speak, and always be mindful of others.
And in the end, I end up being a very frustrated person, channelling all the negative energy elsewhere.

Saturday....
I guess it was a day of reckoning.
And I hope that we both learnt important lessons from that incident.
"You are likely to fear antagonistic behaviour, which may be because your sense of self-worth is not as high as it could be. it might help you to realise that you tend to define your value too much by what you accomplish, rather than by who you are as a person."
We are similar, and yet different.  What holds us together are the values and beliefs.
I fear that when fire is fought with fire...we both get burnt.
It's a hard lesson we learnt
One I will not forget easily.

Really shaken,
Really stirred
Really on the rocks.

DISC Prolifing & Revelations

I attended an interesting workshop on Friday. As a part of the effort to move forward, members of the SMC got ourselves profiled with the DISC tools.  By doing this, we got to gather a few insights on what kinds of personalities we are intrinsically, what we can become at work, and what drives or pressurise us at work.

I have done StrengthsQuest, and the 360 Feedback, and as far as I know, they both have revealed why I do the things I do, and what causes me to feel lacking in the things I do.  I recognise my plus points, and no matter how much I try, when I simply concentrate on overcoming my weaknesses, I end up being mediocre. Why? Simply because in the way things are run now, I am not able to leverage on my best aptitudes.  Positive attitude alone will not work, and in the long run, if there is no equity, I find myself in a rut.

Back to DISC.  What did it reveal?
Nothing new...that I am indeed a High S, High C....in short, the one who keeps peace at all costs to the point of being anal retentive! Hahahahaha.
I am the steady and compliant.  In the given grid, I fall under the Receptive category."These people are retiring and unobtrusive, and are reluctant to act unilaterally. They may be amiable in approach, or simply reserved and unresponsive, depending on their particular circumstances."

Is it really me? Has age mellowed me so much?
I used to think of myself as a firebrand; a tempest.  While growing up, I was gregarious and outgoing.
Mr Hyde has overwhelmed Dr.Jekyll.....Bruce Banner has tamed the Incredible Hulk.

Hence the stress factors.
While I used to get high out of socialising and meeting people,...I am on my way to becoming a recluse?
And that is why, I am getting stressed lately.  I used to think  I would easily work  with people and get along with them...by driving them forward.
Now?  My profile says..."Hey, let me do my work...alone, and I will do it well."
So what kind of leader am I now?....a pretty isolated and terribly closed-up one.

True...I am a planner. I got lots of ideas and want to do them well.
Haha...see how I colour coordinate my clothes and things at home.  I am loyal to a fault.
Changes upset me (haha...and I thought I was impulsive and flexible)
The truth out there shows...because I think and think and think and think...sometimes, I never get things done.

Well, I know that my strengths is that I am tactful and diplomatic.  Avoid confrontation at all costs...and sadly, it cost me ...for being assertive is not my forte.  I will need to work on this, and not be too willing to try to save the situation.  I need to learn to ask for help.  When confronted with a problem. I am the sponge that aborbs everything, and then when the burden is too much, I crumble under the weight, and ignore the problem altogether as if it does not exist.

Whoa...this is tough, but the insights give me certain clarity.
I am now certain, that my current position is not suitable for me....I am not the main player,,,but an excellent team player...Give me a supporting role, and I make sure, I will make sure I give the best of my knowledge and strength.

The combine profiles now lie with one person.  I hope she has the insight too...to do the reflection and see the bigger piece.
So please please understand...
I want to stay....I like being where I am, but not with what I do.
But I will be more effective when I am able to do the things I love.

Dear God,
I am learning to  accept what I am now, and how I have come to this stage.
Please help others to accept me too.
Ameen

DISC Prolifing & Revelations

Gandhi - 7 Blunders of the World

Wealth Without Work

Pleasure Without Conscience

Knowledge without Character

Commerce without Morality

Science without Humanity

Worship without Sacrifice

Politics without Principle


He was indeed a wise man.

Short Work & Tall Orders

It has not been a good start of the week.
Though I have cleared a lot of physical stuff, I need to get rid of emotional and mental baggage too.
They are the heaviest ones to shoulder.

Aound me, tempers are running short; including mine.
We are all snapping and barking.
Nothing seems to make us happy. 
And when we are unhappy, we make others unhappy too.

What's causing all these?
Misperceptions, miscommunication, (lack of it too) and one thousand and one things under the sun)
Things done, not done, not done properly, cannot be done....done for?

Arrrrgh...
Not good...not good.
The way to go is to snap out of this.

Dear God,
Keep me calm and sane.
I will survive this.
Ameen.