Tick tock tick tock

I had a very restless night....
The numbers don't lie, and the odds are against me.
I have learnt that whatever digits or percentage points that will appear, they all will pivot on those crucial results.

God knows I have tried.
But if I can't, then I am not the person for it.
Kill me if you must, let me go.
But I know that the consequence will be like of the albatross on my shoulder and the virus in my mind.
I will tied to a leash, and constantly haunted, always hunted.

Dear God,
I am accountable.
Please be merciful.
Ameen.

Choose your feelings

I am one who has been writing about making choices.
I know that my stand has always been that to say, " I will always have a choice...and to make the best out of whatever situation I am in."
This entry is to acknowledge the difficulties and challeges I face when I have to apply that.

No matter how much experience one has, or what one has gone through, I feel that whenever a situation presents itself to us, it is hard to act 'as we are used to'.  You see, while a positive mindset is something that we can cultivate and nurture, feelings on the other hand, occur more spontaneously.  We react instinctively.


I can listen to someone telling me a joke, and laugh...or I can blurt out in anger.
I am aware of my trigger points. 
So I guess that it is not so much the situation that creates the feeling alone....I do have some form of choice as to which feeling I can use to respond to the things that happen to me.

Perhaps that is why, it possible to have mixed reactions; or mixed feelings towards certain things.  It is also ok to be unsure.  But I suppose it is important that I cultivate a habit of responding to things more positively rather than negatively.

Last week, it was tough.
I realise the moment I feel that my feelings have been hurt, the wound can fester if I don't learn to let go.
Anger builds, and it does nothing but keeping on burning if I allow it to be fuelled by pessimism.
It took a while to let go,and immediately I could breathe.


Feelings profoundly influence the life you experience, and those feelings are yours to choose in any moment. Choose the ones that give real power to the purpose that lives within you.

Dear God,
I choose to be calm with myself today.
Thank you for your blessings.
Ameen

What they mean to me

Before I sleep tonight, I want to pen down these thoughts.

Earlier today, I had a small group of people over.  It is not possible to invite so many. I do not pick and choose, and it is not a case of finding favorites.  I have long accepted that in God's grand design of things, those are the kids I have grown to love and call my own.

It is something that I cannot explain, nor reason.
Why is each individual so important?
I don't question...I simply accept, and realise how rich my life has become.

Those who did not manage to turn up, you are sorely missed. ...esp Sky, K, M & W,
And those who did...thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Those who stayed long enough, thank you for filling the house with music and laughter.
And also thank you , AB...for being there...

Dear God,
My humble gratitude for the gifts and blessings you bestowed upon me.
I am deeply moved.

Dancing in My Dreams

I needed something to uplift my spirits today.
I found a song that really captures the essence of the username I use, and my wish that I could dance.
This song, :Dance My Dream', comes from a movie called "First Daughter."...something quite inspirational.
It is sung by a beautiful singer, Tamia.

"Dance My Dreams
Spinning, twirling, flying away

Memories guide me from yesterday
Time will reveal my destiny
So why should I fight
What's right for me?

Chorus:
I'll live, I'll breathe
I'll dance my dreams
Hold me, kiss me
Look through my eyes

Know me, oh feel me
No more disguise
So why should I fight
What's planned for me?

Chorus

Take my hand
Dance in my world
As I live, I breathe
I dance my dreams
Tomorrow will be mine

Today is ours
I will never let go
Until time unwinds
Today I have just arrived


And yea...I found my old animated blogskin...
Dear God
I need to dance today; even if it means in my dreams.
Ameen

The Turtle Mode

Those who have been to my office will know that I have a collection of turtles and tortises.  I don't know how or why I develop a penchant for the creatures, so when the menagerie began.  One thing for sure, it is not from watching Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles while Zafran was growing up.

But today, I realised an even deeper significance I have with the shelled creatures.  Someone made a passing remark about me having "Turtle Tendencies." I thought it was because I am slow, but the person said that  it is because I tend to retreat within ,and  I go out of my way to avoid confrontations.  I 'hide' until the coast is clear, and I feel safe again.  I supposed so...when the mind and spirit are beleaguered, I need to hide in my own self-made haven.

I am operating on that turtle mode right now...
For today, it feels as though I hit rock bottom.  Right now, it feels as though I am nursing the mother of all migraines.Something hurts badly.   I want to crawl into a cave and stay there for a few days, away from people.

I know I am not supposed to feel this way.  After all, I had a good time lately...
No, it is not about going back to school either. I am glad for work.
The results released today was quite good.  I applaud the effort put in by my colleagues.  Well done.

Yes...why do I feel so demoralised and so urgh?
I guess that maybe the fear of next year's results....Maybe. But I will worry when that time comes...for no point losing sleep about getting my head chopped off. Maybe it is a lot of unspoken fears and insecurities.

The turtle mode has allowed me, I think,  to enclose myself within...thinking I could cut myself off from certain things.  Unfortunately, this is not the case. The one thing I am never able to do is shut off feelings, and be totally devoid of emotions. That is my weakness.

I felt it so hard this morning...
Picking up waves after waves of unsteady vibes in the air...reaching out and calling...
The whole auras of jumbled colours...flickering bright and then darkening...
I could not shut it off completely...and plus the fact that there was more than one frequency.

And then I read something...
Damned...
The tears started swelling up in my eyes...Right there and then, I had wanted to write something in return.

But I refused to let the dam break.
I would not...I cannot afford to...
I cannot let my guard down...for I am weak.

This is one mentally and emotionally spent turtle.
I got no where to run to anymore, except poke my head out again.

Dear God,
Please help me learn to trust...and believe...

Stopping to smell the...er...?

The past few days, I took time off as promised to spend time with my children.  With Zafran away in Japan, and the fact   that I was not going away on a holiday, I guess it was time to make sure that I did something fruitful.

Monday was a promise that I kept to myself...a little indulgence on my part.
I have been meaning to go to a spa for ages, and I finally took up on Shuhaila's offer.  I should thank my lucky stars that I have an ex-student who actually owned one...and boy, did I get a classy treatment.  So while the kids went bowling with my other half, I spent the time soaking in a jacuzzi followed by a good two hour massage.  I felt like prata dough...kneaded  and flexed and pulled and stretched.  I could feel the pair of strong hands loosening the taut and tensed muscles. I creaked, groaned and rumbled...but there was something comforting about the session.  I literally felt weight lifted off my shoulders.

Tuesday...hmmm...
I had wanted to touch base with another person.....but ... ah well....
Very very very disappointed.

So the plans changed and took Akmal and Iffah down to explore Orchard Rd....something which I have not done for ages.
First stop was Orchard Central...not so much to shop, but experience the escalator ride up.
I ended up being weak in the knees...there is something eerie about ascending up four stories (from level 7 to 11) from glass partitians and looking down at the traffic and buildings below....Even the elevators were glass panelled...so scared myself silly going up and down (ya...ya...plus claustrophobia). It was even worse cos Akmal had a habit of looking over the escalator sides and pointing out excitedly at things...Can pengsan.

Then over at 313 Orchard, Akmal got excited that the upper floors. Why? He has a fetish for carpets...and the floor were covered with them.  I had to make sure that he did not roll over like the does at home.  We walked down to Ion...and I found out that one of my favourite shops, Bobbi Brown was there...hmm...maybe time for a makeover (as if that would work).  And of course, to give the kids a treat, we went to Swenson's Ion...which had an ice-cream buffet...Yes...You read right ICE CREAM BUFFET!...eat all you want...until it oozes out of your eyes and ears.

No lah...I was not that greedy.(though I ate 4 different chocolate flavours at one go).  Not a bad deal...The buffet offered all 50 flavours of ice cream, gelato and sorbet...along with the different toppings....There were cakes and pies offered along with waffles and pancakes...Plus  chocolate and strawberry fountains to make fondue.  I shall not reveal how much I ate...but lets say the money was well-spent by hubby and Akmal who could down the different possible combinations of sundaes.

And today, was another fruitful day.
I took 3 others with me to the zoo...and I must say, it was a truly enjoyable outing.
The long MRT ride itself was an adventure, and so was the bus ride.  But it was great being with people who seemed to be thrilled exploring everything.  Not just the animals, but the plants and the environment too.  Each stop was an adventure; with something new to be discovered.  So thank you Aimee, Evi & Erico....of course Iffah and Akmal. (next adventure coming up pretty soon ok?)

I am glad that I took this time off to be with people I love, and whose company I treasure.
It's true...stop and smell the roses occasionally, and life can become more meaningful.

Expect Nothing ....

Today's lesson was...when you expect nothing in return, you really get nothing.
I truly understand...
A door gets slammed in my face...
It is better not to open it in the first place.