I need to really clear my head.
The worry is getting to me, and the head and the shoulders feel the heavy burden I supposedly carry.
Last night, short of calling me a hypocrite, someone pointed out that I do not practice what I tell others.
I tell others to move on...and look on the bright side.
So why am I wallowing in a self-created pool of despair?
I think it boils down to accountability.
Numbers don't lie...and ultimately, I am judged by those numbers.
I can find reasons and justifications...but my prosecutors are not magnanimous nor forgiving.
A captain must go down in the sinking ship.
This has nothing to do with altruism ... or being a hero.
It is realising one's shortcomings and how that can jeopardise some person's future.
Battered, humiliated....and made to feel like a miniscule of dust.
My self-esteem has been shredded...
My credibility made minute.
When you have been thrown deep down, and left for dead
Crawling up again ... is the hardest thing to do.
Chin up Dee
I know my conscience is clear...and that, hopefully offers hope and redemption.
Dear God,
I surrender to you.
Ameen
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Bushido: The Way of the Samurai
The samurais have a austere code of conduct called Bushido.
Last year, I had to think a lot about this.
Bushido...emphasizes a great deal on many upright virtues
especially, rectitude, honour, loyalty and courage.
The time draws near.
I think I have fought to the best of my ability.
But my sword is ready.
On the day of reckoning,
if need be...
Seppuku....
Dear God,
I gave my best. If that is still not enough,
I will let go...gracefully.
Be merciful...
Ameen.
Last year, I had to think a lot about this.
Bushido...emphasizes a great deal on many upright virtues
especially, rectitude, honour, loyalty and courage.
The time draws near.
I think I have fought to the best of my ability.
But my sword is ready.
On the day of reckoning,
if need be...
Seppuku....
Dear God,
I gave my best. If that is still not enough,
I will let go...gracefully.
Be merciful...
Ameen.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I never saw that coming
Just when I thought I would have a good day.
Someone threw a curveball..fast and furious.
It was unexpected...and like all surprise attacks, this one left me stunned.
Not only did the rug get pulled from under my feet, I got hit below the belt too.
Ouch.
That pain is just as bad as the physical pain I feel.
Don't weigh me down when I tried so hard to remove the burden on my shoulders.
Next week....I promise myself to go back for the jabs again.
But that pain I can manage...
So battle lines are drawn huh?
Unfortunately, I choose not to fight...
Someone threw a curveball..fast and furious.
It was unexpected...and like all surprise attacks, this one left me stunned.
Not only did the rug get pulled from under my feet, I got hit below the belt too.
Ouch.
That pain is just as bad as the physical pain I feel.
Don't weigh me down when I tried so hard to remove the burden on my shoulders.
Next week....I promise myself to go back for the jabs again.
But that pain I can manage...
So battle lines are drawn huh?
Unfortunately, I choose not to fight...
The Uniform in Blue (Part II)
There is no part 1 actually.
But about a year ago, I had an entry about the uniform in blue, and the individual who wore it.
And today, I want to speak of the journey this person went through...I know that there are some parts which this person may not agree with, but what I say is what I see and feel...(anyway, I am so used to being at loggerheads with AB)
Just like how I was moved a year ago, today, as I sat behind and listened to what AB had to say, I know how far this child has come. I had taken a gamble, trusting that what would be said would be meaningful. And just like others before, this young person did not disappoint. True, the message was put across 'differently', but AB was able to drum the idea of choice, hard work and attitude into the heads of the younger group. I should have known that AB was not one to pull punches. Black is black...white is white...no need for shades of grey in between.
The talk was delivered in pragmatic, almost dogmatic style.
It was not your conventional motivational talk.
At some point. I think it may have frightened some of those who listened to this 'legend' crush their egos.
I wondered if a year ago, AB would have the same confidence to speak in such a manner.
The points were put across quite clearly (that I had no doubt about) and emphatically.
But...the 'soul' was there. The voice was real.
Only a person who has gone through the challenges...would be able to convince the audience.
I suppose it had taken a lot of courage to admit some of the things that was said.
I wondered whether AB was 'conscious' of what was said verbally, and how hard it must have been to face certain harsh realities. I wondered if the talk was as meaningful to the speaker as it was to the listener.
And today, I saw the child as an adult...and the potential of what that adult can become.
AB went through a turmultuous year...
Especially for someone who was so focussed on success, stumbling along the way was a situation that was deemed unnacceptable. I am sure that failure was never in AB's personal vocabulary. It was so unthinkable. I saw the anger, the regrets, the frustration, the exasperation, and most of all...the need to vent and channel all this negativity somewhere. At some point, I wondered if AB realised the amount of venom that was spat at those who came near. This was one child...with a lot of 'pride'...and no one could heal the wounds. The walls were built even higher and stronger around AB...no one is allowed to break through.
Practically, AB diverted them towards doing even better...to a point where it became quite scary.
A ball of restless, relentless and tenacious energy driven to succeed...but constantly hitting speedbumps along the way. When that happened...I saw the confusion and angst.
But today...
I saw something else.
I saw a spark of the old magic...of an eager, earnest and positive child I first knew.
I won't go far as to say that AB has mellowed...or that there is internal peace and acceptance.
I hope it has...but I won't hold my breath yet.
Thank you, AB...for today.
I have no hand in what you have become, or what you will be.
But I breathe a pray of gratitude and relief knowing that you are on your way to achieving your goals.
All the best in 2010, dear child.
I have , I do and I will always, believe in you.
I will await another year, when you are able to walk back through the gates, head held high...and fulfil your promise.
God Bless...
But about a year ago, I had an entry about the uniform in blue, and the individual who wore it.
And today, I want to speak of the journey this person went through...I know that there are some parts which this person may not agree with, but what I say is what I see and feel...(anyway, I am so used to being at loggerheads with AB)
Just like how I was moved a year ago, today, as I sat behind and listened to what AB had to say, I know how far this child has come. I had taken a gamble, trusting that what would be said would be meaningful. And just like others before, this young person did not disappoint. True, the message was put across 'differently', but AB was able to drum the idea of choice, hard work and attitude into the heads of the younger group. I should have known that AB was not one to pull punches. Black is black...white is white...no need for shades of grey in between.
The talk was delivered in pragmatic, almost dogmatic style.
It was not your conventional motivational talk.
At some point. I think it may have frightened some of those who listened to this 'legend' crush their egos.
I wondered if a year ago, AB would have the same confidence to speak in such a manner.
The points were put across quite clearly (that I had no doubt about) and emphatically.
But...the 'soul' was there. The voice was real.
Only a person who has gone through the challenges...would be able to convince the audience.
I suppose it had taken a lot of courage to admit some of the things that was said.
I wondered whether AB was 'conscious' of what was said verbally, and how hard it must have been to face certain harsh realities. I wondered if the talk was as meaningful to the speaker as it was to the listener.
And today, I saw the child as an adult...and the potential of what that adult can become.
AB went through a turmultuous year...
Especially for someone who was so focussed on success, stumbling along the way was a situation that was deemed unnacceptable. I am sure that failure was never in AB's personal vocabulary. It was so unthinkable. I saw the anger, the regrets, the frustration, the exasperation, and most of all...the need to vent and channel all this negativity somewhere. At some point, I wondered if AB realised the amount of venom that was spat at those who came near. This was one child...with a lot of 'pride'...and no one could heal the wounds. The walls were built even higher and stronger around AB...no one is allowed to break through.
Practically, AB diverted them towards doing even better...to a point where it became quite scary.
A ball of restless, relentless and tenacious energy driven to succeed...but constantly hitting speedbumps along the way. When that happened...I saw the confusion and angst.
But today...
I saw something else.
I saw a spark of the old magic...of an eager, earnest and positive child I first knew.
I won't go far as to say that AB has mellowed...or that there is internal peace and acceptance.
I hope it has...but I won't hold my breath yet.
Thank you, AB...for today.
I have no hand in what you have become, or what you will be.
But I breathe a pray of gratitude and relief knowing that you are on your way to achieving your goals.
All the best in 2010, dear child.
I have , I do and I will always, believe in you.
I will await another year, when you are able to walk back through the gates, head held high...and fulfil your promise.
God Bless...
Monday, January 4, 2010
Similar, yet so different....
Today marked the begining of the new academic calendar.
I got to meet up with some familiar faces, and at the same time, held my first lesson with those whom I have never thought before.
The impending release of the O'level results are not too far off. Rumours are rampant about them being released some time next week. I dare not speculate. So far, MOE has not given the schools any official confirmation.
It is hard to think of how the kids would fare.
I guess last year's results shook me to the core. For never before, through the years I have been leading my team, has the results dropped so drastically than that of the 08 group. Failure can really rob one of self-confidence and self-worth. For while most of the time my charges have been able to pull themselves just above the expected MSG...the impact of the drop was just short of a sledgehammer being slammed onto my head.
So like the kids, I quake in anticipation of what is to come.
And my worry now...is whether I am still worthy of being the enthrusted with the responsibility of guiding the current first class in schools this year...Not one, but two different exams...The O's and the N' levels.
I felt so proud of my 4N1 today...all that hard work to 'train' them fell into place.
hahah...maybe it was just the first day...but the set expectations have been made known...and yes, cruel me set out their homework for them. But yes, it is better to start early, but they must not fall short of the set target.
Then that is the other class.
It is always difficult and a challenge to 'pick up someone's baby'.
I am sure Serene has done an excellent job in teaching them...but I am worried about my own capabilities.
Will I be able to continue and produce the grades...?
Am I the right person to guide them through?
Dear God,
The time of reckoning draws very near. You are now the only one I can turn to.
I accept Your Will....and what you have decided for me.
I pray that you will answer the prayers of my students...and that they will do well.
I pray that you show me the way...so that I may find the courage to start again.
Ameen
I got to meet up with some familiar faces, and at the same time, held my first lesson with those whom I have never thought before.
The impending release of the O'level results are not too far off. Rumours are rampant about them being released some time next week. I dare not speculate. So far, MOE has not given the schools any official confirmation.
It is hard to think of how the kids would fare.
I guess last year's results shook me to the core. For never before, through the years I have been leading my team, has the results dropped so drastically than that of the 08 group. Failure can really rob one of self-confidence and self-worth. For while most of the time my charges have been able to pull themselves just above the expected MSG...the impact of the drop was just short of a sledgehammer being slammed onto my head.
So like the kids, I quake in anticipation of what is to come.
And my worry now...is whether I am still worthy of being the enthrusted with the responsibility of guiding the current first class in schools this year...Not one, but two different exams...The O's and the N' levels.
I felt so proud of my 4N1 today...all that hard work to 'train' them fell into place.
hahah...maybe it was just the first day...but the set expectations have been made known...and yes, cruel me set out their homework for them. But yes, it is better to start early, but they must not fall short of the set target.
Then that is the other class.
It is always difficult and a challenge to 'pick up someone's baby'.
I am sure Serene has done an excellent job in teaching them...but I am worried about my own capabilities.
Will I be able to continue and produce the grades...?
Am I the right person to guide them through?
Dear God,
The time of reckoning draws very near. You are now the only one I can turn to.
I accept Your Will....and what you have decided for me.
I pray that you will answer the prayers of my students...and that they will do well.
I pray that you show me the way...so that I may find the courage to start again.
Ameen
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Memories in the Sun
I went to Chek Jawa...again.
Actually, I wanted to test the new 'toy'. I bought the Nikon D90, and I knew that the camera would be good for both panoramic (which Zafran likes) and close-up (I love) shots. There will be plenty of things to capture there. Plus, Zarifah is the only one who has not set foot on Ubin before.
The plan was to leave very early after subuh prayers. We would be able to catch the reefs before the tide comes in. I had missed that the other time. But Akmal had watched LOTR till 2am, and thus, it was a chore to wake him up. We then again had breakfast before the we boarded the ferry at Changi jetty.
Unlike the last time, the sun shone brilliantly. It was a beautfiul day, but I was not certain if we could take the strain of cycling in the heat. Plus, while the rain on the last trip had kept people away, today the crowd came in droves.
But cycle we did, and at some point it became a challenge. Part of me realised that I loved the previous experience better. While I had the opportunity to stop and snap pictures along the way, I loved the freshness the rain brought in. In the rain, the leaves and flowers glistened, freshly washed by drops from the heavens above. But the sun brought the opportunity to get up close and personal to other small creatures and insects which I would have otherwise missed.
Hahaha
I conquered the the watch tower again....accompanied by the Significant Other.
But because there were many people around, I had to quell the urge to laugh out loud again.
This time round round, the tide had come in fully, and I missed my sandy white lagoon, with its lush carpet of emerald green seamoss. Parts of the jetty too was covered by sea water. We also saw a sad sight...a garoupa which probably had died due to the increase in some plankton overgrowth and cut off the oxygen supply.
I realised how different the two trips had been.
Even the bicycle charges were different.
On the first one, we paid between $5-$8 for the bikes. This time round, we paid $8 each, regardless of whether there was a basket or not...The shopkeeper had initially asked for $10. And when I returned the bikes, the tourists who had descended on the island were charged $20. Goodness...I know the islanders need to make some profits...but please do not fleece the tourists. They may not want to come back.
Oh....
I forgot to mention...
This time round, we took the longer route back from Chek Jawa...and because of that, I got to see one of the lovely quarries. The emerald pool was so inviting, but the area has been cordoned off for safety reasons. But hey, next trip we may just go around visiting all the quaries.
It is great to be able to get back to nature at Chek Jawa.
I am definitely going back again.
Anyone game to follow me?
Actually, I wanted to test the new 'toy'. I bought the Nikon D90, and I knew that the camera would be good for both panoramic (which Zafran likes) and close-up (I love) shots. There will be plenty of things to capture there. Plus, Zarifah is the only one who has not set foot on Ubin before.
The plan was to leave very early after subuh prayers. We would be able to catch the reefs before the tide comes in. I had missed that the other time. But Akmal had watched LOTR till 2am, and thus, it was a chore to wake him up. We then again had breakfast before the we boarded the ferry at Changi jetty.
Unlike the last time, the sun shone brilliantly. It was a beautfiul day, but I was not certain if we could take the strain of cycling in the heat. Plus, while the rain on the last trip had kept people away, today the crowd came in droves.
But cycle we did, and at some point it became a challenge. Part of me realised that I loved the previous experience better. While I had the opportunity to stop and snap pictures along the way, I loved the freshness the rain brought in. In the rain, the leaves and flowers glistened, freshly washed by drops from the heavens above. But the sun brought the opportunity to get up close and personal to other small creatures and insects which I would have otherwise missed.
Hahaha
I conquered the the watch tower again....accompanied by the Significant Other.
But because there were many people around, I had to quell the urge to laugh out loud again.
This time round round, the tide had come in fully, and I missed my sandy white lagoon, with its lush carpet of emerald green seamoss. Parts of the jetty too was covered by sea water. We also saw a sad sight...a garoupa which probably had died due to the increase in some plankton overgrowth and cut off the oxygen supply.
I realised how different the two trips had been.
Even the bicycle charges were different.
On the first one, we paid between $5-$8 for the bikes. This time round, we paid $8 each, regardless of whether there was a basket or not...The shopkeeper had initially asked for $10. And when I returned the bikes, the tourists who had descended on the island were charged $20. Goodness...I know the islanders need to make some profits...but please do not fleece the tourists. They may not want to come back.
Oh....
I forgot to mention...
This time round, we took the longer route back from Chek Jawa...and because of that, I got to see one of the lovely quarries. The emerald pool was so inviting, but the area has been cordoned off for safety reasons. But hey, next trip we may just go around visiting all the quaries.
It is great to be able to get back to nature at Chek Jawa.
I am definitely going back again.
Anyone game to follow me?
Friday, January 1, 2010
A Gentle Reminder
For the past month, I have been indulging in a lot of things...
I have been a little extravagant, allowing myself to be comforted by a few material gadgets.
No excuses...
But I hope that I have not crossed the line.
So today, before I sleep,
I would recite the doa taubat (repentence prayer) to remind myself to be more discerning.
Bismillahi rahmani rahim.
"Oh my Lord I know I don’t deserve Your heaven
And yet your blazing wrath , I could never defend
So Lord rain down upon this lowly soul , Your forgiveness
Lord , you and you alone forgive
and wash away the most greivous sins
Ameen.
I have been a little extravagant, allowing myself to be comforted by a few material gadgets.
No excuses...
But I hope that I have not crossed the line.
So today, before I sleep,
I would recite the doa taubat (repentence prayer) to remind myself to be more discerning.
Bismillahi rahmani rahim.
"Oh my Lord I know I don’t deserve Your heaven
And yet your blazing wrath , I could never defend
So Lord rain down upon this lowly soul , Your forgiveness
Lord , you and you alone forgive
and wash away the most greivous sins
Ameen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
