Symbols

I'm trying to make it a point to jot down the symbols of my dreams.
Last night...the whole image had to do with boats and water.
Twice, the vessels capsized.
One with me at the helm, trying to balance a shipful of passengers who could not keep still and insisted on rocking.
The second, I was brought to a lake...and my rower insisted that I stand in that tiny canoe and try to keep balance.

So, in both dreams, I ended up in the water.
The first one...struggling to come up to the surface.
The second...eerily calm...letting the quiet, still waters embalm me....

Dear God
You know best...guide me.
Ameen

A Time for Change

There have been many changes taking place in my life recently. Both good and not so good.

When things change, I need to adapt and at times, tolerate.
I learn, un-learn and re-learn.

When things change, it is time to move on.
I have to let go of some things that I once held so dear.
I question to ask myself why.

When things change, I can laugh or cry.
At the end of the day...nothing remains the same.

Hmmm....I wonder

It was interesting that the child picked up something which I had written quite a while back.  I wondered what was in his head lately.  My senses has been tingling lately, and I know, whatever, and however I felt, I had to draw back first, and wait and see...cos firstly, this is no longer a child and secondly, it will take a lot out of him to ask for help.

What do you get when the left brain and the right brain collide?
Never the twain shall meet?
I hope not.
I still feel that he is a bundle of contradictions; but  yes, I still stand by my belief that sometimes, if we always find a logical explanation as to why things happen the way they do...well, sometimes it may lead us to a lot of discontentment within.  And since I surrender myself to a higher Will up there,  I have learn to accept what comes my way a little 'easier'.  I pray for the day when this child will too, someday.

I can't win via logic, his skills have been honed and surpassed mine.
But I will remain true to my inner feelings, and intuition.  That is the grey area that he refuses to be drawn into. And since God has been pushing special kids by my way,
I know... I will keep on trying.

Here is a poem worth mulling over.
If...things can be explained, one way or another, then whether he has a literature background or not, does not matter.
Think this one through.

The Paintbrush - Lee Eizkel
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.

I’m so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you’ll do
– that You might laugh or say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love Me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I Can Love Me, too.

Take care, AB.
Keep your paintbrush near...and use it
until you are really ready.

The Worth of the Price

I know of someone who has a penchant of equating the things he does with the idea of "price'.
Every action that leads to a consequence comes with a price tag...be it in spiritual or emotional , or even monetary or temporal terms. We all seem to think that in order to achieve success, the price we pay is through the 'sacrifices' we make.  It does suggest that if we are willing to pay the price, we can win. 

The things we give up are valuable 'commodities' by themselves.
Time, energy , health, family, relationships and a peace of mind are indeed things we need to consider carefully before we decide to give up.

Yet...there are other pressing needs that may sometimes make us lose our sense of focus in life.
We find ourselves in a dilemma when we have to choose between what we want, and what we need.
There is really nothing as 'having it all."

We need to decide, and the sacrifices can be painful.
At the end of the day...look deep within yourself.
"What is my purpose? Where are my goals?"
"Is it worth the price? Will the ends outweigh everything else"
Can I be accountable and also be at peace with myself when these choices are made?

Dear God,
I am still searching for answers.  But the one thing for sure, let all my actions, my words, and my deeds bring me so
much closer to you.
Ameen

As you grow, I grow ..

Who dares to teach must never cease to learn. ~John Cotton Dana

This is something that I have believed all these years in the profession.  As much as I am called 'the teacher', in reality, my life is enriched daily because I learn from my experiences interacting with the students.

I looked at the results with mixed emotions this time round.  While last year, I was really down because I think I have done an injustice on my charges, this time round, the accountablity factor made me draw back and wonder.  I cannot change the results...they are something that I have to accept.  But this is where I reflect on how attitude makes a lot of difference.

We all know of the saying, "You can bring a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink."
So it boils down to attitude, and the willingness to listen and improve.
That is where the magic begins.

The success stories, for me, are not so much the As.
It is of those who made the effort, and listened.
It is those, who had genuine fears about not clearing the subject, and decided, by hook or by crook, to really do their best.

A wise young man (haha) once said, "The results will only be of value for 2 weeks only. It allows you whether you play with a full deck or less." [more or less]
So for some, the results are the culmination of hard work and determination, while some who looked in disbelief...will know why at the back of their minds.

One by one, they reported back to me.
Those who chose to re-sit for the papers.
It was with a lot of happiness that I received the good news of their success...
I share their joy, but I cannot accept any credit for their victory....It is all theirs.

And to you, who thanked me in your blog,
I would say that you were the one who put your heart and soul into the exam.
It is you , who have achieved.
My role is so minute...I merely opened the door...
And I am so proud to hear that you are not going to wallow in 'what ifs'...but move on.
You will be able to stand tall.

To my kids of 09...thank you.
As you go out into the world, good luck on the next lap of your journey.
Thank you for the memories.

Out of sorts...and sorting it out

I think I got my priorities right...at least today.
I think what I had to do, and put aside forcibly, what I needed to do.
It was a real eye-opener that I wonder if I had been blind-sided all these while.

And today, affirmation came in other forms.
First, from a child whose voice I had missed so much.
His ship had arrived at a port of call, and it was so comforting to know that I am one of the few people that he called.

There are other major decisions that I have to make.
The first is to 'surrender' and accept that something had to give.
For the sake of the loved ones, I am getting back a maid...more to allow me to spend time with my kids and other half.

Two years...that is the target I set.
After I have put things in order, I will step down, and let the younger ones take over.
That, would be the right thing to do.

Dear God,
Each time I take things for granted, you nudge me back to reality.
Help me be strong to face the internal challenges I face,...so that I may grow closer to You and Your Will.
Ameen

Vindication....but at what price?

When the results were released at 8am today, I was immbolised. 
The other heads had formed a circle around the P, but I could not lift myself off the chair.
The blood roared in my head, and I actually was quite faint.
If it was bad news, I could not have taken it.

Myreen was braver...and for a good reason.
She pulled in the best results.  Through her drill and structure, she got her class to perform well.
Kian Beng....the 3 years of hard work paid off...the Sec 5s brought in the best results ever.

Gingerly I made my way to the table...
Clammy hands and wildly erratic heartbeats...feeling woozy as I forced myself to look at the numbers.
I could exhale...
Though not as well as I had hoped for, I felt vindicated.

And then the phone rang.
On the other line...was a voice that informed me what had gone wrong...
I had lost sight of what was really important to me.
So while I took care of the results...and while I am grateful that the kids did well...
It all boils down , at the moment to this.

I failed someone...
I failed...I failed...I failed...
It is really time to go....