If things happen for a reason, I will need to find out why.

It is a challenging time personally...
and while I try not to whine or complain, I think I do need to find an outlet.
And it should not be food...I think I have stuffed myself too much with chocs and other junk.
That is not good.

Today was another shocker.
I came down from class,and checked my messages.
There were some from home with the lines "Call me back urgently"

I don't know how to describe the feeling as I trembled to punch the numbers to dial the person on the other line.  Yes, I think I steeled myself to receive the news.
Bad news: My 75-year old dad fell...into the drain
Thankful news: He only needed several stitches.
At that age, it is not good to fall.  So far, my dad is the latest...after mum, dad-in-law, and mum-in-law.
Between them, a broken wrist, a bad concussion and clotting, and a fractured hip.

Dad has been talking a lot lately about life...and death lately.
I know he has told me "to be prepared for the realities of life...and move on".  I know what he means, but I thank God that he is still alright today.

I believe in God's Will, and that in life, there is Qadha and Qadhar.
But I realise that the things that happen lately...have been the greatest challenges for me.

My girl's illness too...is taking its toll.  It has truly been challenging to stay strong...especially when my own fears overwhelm me.  But I need to stay calm, need to be the one who listens and get her out of her situation.

Psychosis...that's the name.
Sometimes, it seems as if my little girl is lost somewhere, and I must find her...to bring her home.

Ya Rab
I am praying for your constant guidance.
Do not forsake me.
Show me the way.
Ameen

I Dance in my Dreams

I close my eyes...
and I see the big open space beckoning.
The lilting melodies call and wave to invite me in.
I fall under the soothing spell of timeless tunes
"Let you heart sing...Let us in."

I close my eyes...
and let the tempo engulf me still
Sliding, gliding, turning
Spining, twirling, whirling
till the senses and the mind are one.

I close my eyes...
I feel the spirit lulled as the feet moved
in tandom with the soft quiet sounds.

I dance in my dreams...
For there...I am free.

 - Starlightmoondancer -
who longs to dream again.

Catch Me

Last evening, it happened again.
She came crying hysterically into the room, eyes glazed over.
"Help me!" she had screamed.

Startled, I took her into my arms...
I recognised wild fear. 
"I need the key...I want to get out!" she cried over and over again.

I muttered a few prayers as I soothed her.
She was safe. No one would take her away.
I promised her that I would not let her go.
And throughout the night, I watched her sleep...
praying that the tigers that prey her mind would leave her in peace.

Dear God,
I'm scared...and to you I turn.
Help me to be strong...for her.
But should I falter,
Please catch me too.
Ameen

Tomorrow is so full of possibilities

This morning, I have a little time to myself...to muse over the wise words of one of Singapore's founding fathers - the late Mr S. Rajaratnam.  An astute man, he crafted the national pledge ( Sadly, some of the students' perfunctory recitation undermines its significance). A book (The Singapore Lion) was recently written about him recently, and at the launch, the writer, MP Irene Ng (a former journalist), paid a tribute by quoting him

"The only thing you can be certain about in this otherwise uncertain world is that the past is unchangeable. The present will disappear in a moment."

How true.
No matter how much I lament about my past, I simply cannot undo it. 
That has been cast in stone.
There is little point in wallowing about mistakes, or re-living old victories.
And when things are so fluid and dynamic today, I know I must be forward looking instead of clinging on to the past.
And ...live in the present to the best of my ability.

I look at my blessings today to give me hope and inner courage.
If my current situation is the result of the bad choices I made in the past...I must learn to first forgive myself too.
Self-acceptance is crucial.  Awareness of my mistakes must then be followed by the determination to rectify those mistakes.

Today is not the time to procrastinate for tomorrow.
Today is not the time to live in the shadows of the past.
Today IS the tomorrow of yesterday, and the start of your tomorrow.

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: Our life is the creation of our mind.” - Buddha

I guess I need this reminder more than anyone else.
Fear, guilt, regrets, and missed opportunities will definitely fog my head once , but only I can find my way out.
And that...I must ...NOW.

I am a Rock

Today I taught my lit class how to approach an unseen poem.  And like the last time, I used a song; though it is something way before their time. (at least when lyrics were more meaningful)  It took them a while to dissect and analyse the words, because practical criticism is something you need to really respond to, with your senses, and a discerning mind.  Yes, mastering literature is an art by itself.

What did I use this time?
It is an old Paul Simon and Art Grafunkel (yes...the people who crooned Scarborough Fair so dreamily) song.  But just look at the lyrics...and lets see if you and I are on the same page on this. (and yes..it reminds me so much of someone I know)


I am a Rock - Paul Simon

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Who is the persona kidding?
This is the voice, who is trying so hard to convince himself that he is independent and stoic.
But what is he really comes across as a lost hurt soul...who is in need to the very things that he claims to be rejecting.

I hope you will learn a lesson from this.

Dear God,
Slowly...I climb.
Ameen

Lessons from Epicurus

To help me deal with the current state of mind, I am forcing myself to step back and reflect.
I may not be able to slow down and sit still, but the rationale would be if I feed the mind, it helps put a lot of things into perspective.  Perhaps this will offer the way out from the trap that I had unwittingly set for myself.

I think one of the most over-rated words today is 'multi-tasking'.
It has pushed many of us into doing so many things at one time; always rushing to push us into doing things hastily rather than carefully.  Because we seem to race through life daily, no wonder we get physically, emotionally and spiritually depleted.  At night, our attention is distracted by things like TV, the internet and what-nots, that no wonder we deprive ourselves of sleep - a balm to soothe our being.

In my race, I have stumbled, tripped, fallen and limped around.
Now I am lost...basically misguided by a broken internal compass known as my 'ego'.
Internally, I have gone MIA....and I think subconsciously, I do not want to be found...yet.

What does this have to do with Epicurus?
He was a Greek philosopher who advocated one thing...that life, is simple.
"Pleasure is the end...freedom from pain in the body, and trouble in the mind." -Epicurus "Letter to Menoeceus"
Simplicity is the key to obtaining pleasure and minimizing pain. 

I suppose that is the end goal that I seek right now.
A healthy body, a clear and untroubled mind, a fulfilled soul...all ready for my Creator.

Phew...that's it for now.
Even thinking seems difficult
Come Dee...declutter...declutter...declutter...
Begin with the mind.
KISS - Keep it short and simple.

Dear God,
In you, I trust.
Ameen

Lessons from Macbeth

" Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

William Shakespeare
- Macbeth, 1606

The noise gets to me...and I need to retreat.  How I wish I was in a hermetically sealed environment sometimes...so detached and devoid...and mercifully, numbed from pain.

This is not good...being so out of sync like this.
The internal dialogue must change..I am aware of that...
But when...?