Air dicincang tak akan putus..

Literally translated, the phrase means, "Water, even when chopped with an axe will not break/split."
That is a Malay proverb that deals with family ties.
Very often, no matter how bad the relationships may sour, somehow, blood ties will prevail.

The past two months have been a time for family...
to meet new challenges, to mend frail ties, to welcome new kin and also to celebrate, and at the same time cry. It is also a time where we put aside differences, and embrace each other's individuality.
Above all, it reminds me that family, kith and kin, are important.

We celebrate...
with weddings and births....
I would like to think of how the family has expanded.  I feel that nenek would have loved to have seen these moments when her clan are drawn together.
I saw in my cousin's Dinah's eyes...the elation of a new-bride. I am sure that her late mother would have finally approved.  Twenty-years ago, she had sacrifced her own happiness, for her mother, worried that she would 'lose' her daughter, had disapproved of the relationship. But 'kalau dah jodoh, tak kan ke mana.' Who would have thought that now, he reappeared in her life. This time round, the blessings flowed readily.

My cousin Azhari flew down from Melbourne.  He has migrated to Australia, and that had brought a lot of heartache for his mother and sister.  But the news of Kak Ani's illness brought him back on the first flight home...to ensure that he puts things in order.  He does not shirk around from his responsibilities. And what a pleasure it was for me, to have been able to 'steal him away' for a short while:- this cousin who is as close as a brother to me. I miss him...

More weddings...
I watch with mixed feelings at the rows of my aunts and uncles who are getting on with age.
Why does it seem that with each rare gathering, we realise that there is someone missing...a loved one who has passed on?
Yes, the younger generation is there, but will they ever be able to build such strong bonds like that of their parents, or grandparents? Perhaps, there is always hope...as I introduce my children to the myriads of second and third cousins...I can hope and pray...

No family is without secrets, no family is picture perfect.
We have our fair share of black sheep, and skeletons in the cupboards.
I may have my ups and downs with them.
But I am assured, when it comes to the crux of the matter, my family....will rally around me.
In sickness and in health
In good and bad....
Allah, watch over the people I call family...I love them so.

Living with the choices you make

It's over....
The months we had spent preparing for EV came to a peak last week, and this weekend, I could breathe a little better..
Or so I thought.

True to their words, the EV team did not really come with the intention of fault finding.
But during the course of the 3 days,being interviewed by the different people with varying styles, the flaws in our systems became more than glaring.  At one point, when the session turned out to be more of a tutorial session for us, it was apparent that we are below par....and that the members of the E, in a way, felt sorry for us.

Maybe that is my interpretation...
We are nowhere near our vision...something we need to reflect. Are they too lofty in the first place?
Maybe not..but it will have to take a lot of rethinking . Perhaps it was not clear in the first place.
Whatever it is, there is really a lot of work to be done.

I hate this actually.
Instead of being able to sleep once EV is over, why am I kept awake at night worrying about what needs to be done?
I have made up my mind...give up the position.
Can't I make a decision, without having to feel guilty about it?

Please, I can no longer put my job before my family. I simply can't.
and if the school cannot accept that...even if it means my resignation...
then , I will.

On another note...
Please child, don't open up your heart to me...
I am afraid...I cannot cope.
I am not the one to help you.

Lessons from the World Cup.

For most part of the past month, I did not have a good night's rest...thanks to the World Cup fever.
Now, I am past the age of being soccer crazy, for I had more than my fill in my salad days. The men in my house have taken sides on which teams to root for, and have gone to a point to make everyone in the family choose their favoured teams.  I was left with many of the 'default' sides...but to my amazement, at least 4 moved on to the quarterfinals...but then, that is a different story.

The matches are played at an unearthly hour, and I am in no mood to be awakened by frantic yells of 'Gooooal'. Nor do I appreciate the amount of expletives exploded for the missed opportunities.  But my biggest bugbear today must be the vuvuzela...that 'thingy' which I deem fit for the pipe-pipers of dengue mosquitoes.  The endless, mindless drone buzz incessantly in my head, and because I have always been tuned in to the slightest sounds, lets say it has been hard to even get a wink of rest. The result?....ggggrrrrr!

But when I am in one of my saner moods, I do try to reflect about the things I learnt.
a) There is something about men and balls (ooops...that sounds so wrong! Sorry)

No, lets make comparisons with teaching.
From the Pepsi ad:
a)  As the players get closer to the target...the goal posts get shifted.  Have I, as a teacher, done that to my students? I know the aim is to keep pushing them to aim higher...yet even before they can actually score a goal, I make the posts more elusive?  Have I forgotten that many will get demoralised by it?

b) Stars do not make a team.
How the mighty fall fallen....Some of these stars earn more than many of the African nations annual GDP.  Inflated pockets and egos do not necessary be the ingredients to victory.  And it has been proven again and again, how tantrums, and diva-like behaviour are magnified at the World Cup. What has happened to the idea of team spirit and shared responsibilities?  There is no 'I' in team.

c) Hopes and dreams
Some of the teams were lifted by their never-ending dream of achieving success.  I have been impressed by the passion of the African teams, who, without the big names and sponsorship, gave their heart and soul into the games they played.  It is not so much about winning, but about trying to make their dream come true.  It is about the love for the game, played in the true spirit of sportsmanship, without the drama and theatrics.  I hope that my students will never lose sight of their goals. Yes, we will stumble along the way, but do not give up. Try and try again.

d) The coach.
He is the main playmaker...and somehow, the victory and defeat of the teams are attributed to him.  When a team wins, he is great.  When a team loses, the trend seems to be that he gets sacked.  Then, there are teams who mutineed, and go against his orders. The older players take the lead, and try to oust what they deem as an 'ineffective coach.'  And when a favoured team loses, the entire nation calls for an excution of the coach. His head must roll.

What is the point here?
I see that the coach is not much different than that of a teacher.  Sometimes, students wonder why we push them so hard, and 'make their lives miserable'.  It goes back to that word 'responsibility'.  A teacher is obligated to make sure the students do well.  It is not a matter about results alone...though in most cases, we know that a teacher's worth is measured by the academic success of her charges.  In terms of accountability, yes, our heads will roll when the performance is poor.

But then again...
What about other factors?
What about the condition of the pitch, the weather, short-sighted linesmen and refs?
What about distractions from the vuvuzelas?
What about the new unpredictable ball used?
What about the attitude of the players and team?
What about luck?

At the end, quantity seems to count...the team that scored the most goal in the match, wins.
The coach...his fate lies in that.
So is how an educator too, seems to be judged.  (If my team is not even in the major league, what does it say of me?)
Hmmmmmm......

Life...

No, I did not stop writing. There are far too many entries saved as draft to support that conclusion.
Since jotting down my random thoughts can be highly personal, I was afraid what the recent outpourings would reveal.  There are some things which are fresh, and raw...and I think sometimes, I need to take cover.

The first 6 months have been eventful.
When things happen, it is always good to be able to take one step back and reflect; instead of simply reacting to the situation. I think I am able to see the bigger picture, from consequences of past actions, to personal choices made, and of many things done and not done. Of opportunities not taken, of why things that I think I have planned will end up thwarted.

I have received one too many 'wake-up' calls.
God has given me many blessings; some of which come so naturally that I take things for granted. Life is one of them.  It's true you know...when people say that you don't really know the good things you have, until you lose them.

When Iffah feel ill, there were so many unanswered questions.
It is easy to be consumed by feelings of guilt and remorse; over my own shortcomings as a mother.  What have I done wrong? Have I been selfish in the pursuit of my own goals?
And when some of the deeper reasons were surfaced, the dilemma continues...Have I, in trying to protect my child from the harsh realities of the world, make her emotionally vulnerable when it comes to the crunch?
How much do I know of my own children?

This holiday too...well, it seems that holiday has become an elusive idea...that exists in the recesses of my heart and mind. I know...my responsibilities must not be taken lightly.  But I have reached a point when self-denial and escapism become the modus operandi of my daily existence. I have forced myself to focus on work...getting things done, yet I am put off by the things I once used to love. 

I have told myself countless times that I need to get my priorities right.
Yes...but do you know how much courage it takes to really get down to doing that?
The decisions have someone been put aside, because of circumstances and what nots....deep down, I know that they are mere excuses.

One reminder came over the weekend...
A dear cousin, someone I have grown up with, is gravely ill.
There...a logical person can triangulate the signs and signals.
The C markers....do run in the family genes....especially the females.

But instead of doing something about it, why do we seem to sweep this obvious reality aside?
What makes us run away in self-denial...and trying to put off things we which can do now, that would probably save our lives.
I've had my fair share of scares in the past...surgery is not an option that I want...
So is that why I throw myself into the job...(and allow it to consume me)...so that I can forget about another bigger issue?

Life is precious...life is fragile...life...is the grace of God that allows us to live for another day.
Choose to live...
Choose right...
Act now.

The Enemy Within

I wonder if I should even be writing this entry...whether it is worth it to think about this, when the person that I am directing this to is so dead fixed in mindset, that I might as well be crashing my head against a brick wall (which probably would be less painful)

Anyway, I shall say what I think I need to say.
Negativitism kills...
Not physically....but mentally, emotionally, spiritually...you feel like a huge Dementor is sucking the life out of you.
This person loves to be negative...I just don't know why...and the worst thing is, it is directed to the self, and of course the people who are supposedly the 'closest'. Life has been a series of unfortunate events...one after another, all setting the individual for downfalls after downfalls.

It has been hard trying to change a person's perception...especially if it is deeply entrenched with bitterness, regrets, and hate.  The sad thing is...any attempts to help is rebuffed.

I wish you well.

Self-awareness

Yesterday, I had to do a difficult thing.
I did not clear a contract teacher, who is currently on attachment in school, to move on to NIE for the next semester.
I have never done that before.

All these while, I think I have tried to look for the strengths in people, and perhaps, believed that somehow, the flaws can be overlooked. Teaching is definitely not a matter of simply delivering content knowledge. It involves relationships with people...and if you are detached and impersonal, how then would you be able to reach out to others?

I am indeed a dinosaur, holding on to that romantic notion that teaching is a noble profession.  Teaching is more of a 'calling', you are definitely not going to be in it for the money. Yes, it can be a stable job, but hah, you have to put your soul into it...and sometimes, it feels you lose a lot of yourself along the way.

What is happening to the teaching profession lately?
Gen Y & Z...the group of young restless people, who put their needs first before others.
This is the new set of values...for things like loyalty, hard work, compassion and altruism go right to the bottom of the list...

This young individual...claims to want to teach.
But...she does not like people very much, preferring to keep to herself.
Then the question is how is she going to relate to her charges and their parents?

And the worst thing is, I cannot get through the facade...how can you come across as if you don't care?
Educating young people have often meant going down to a level which you sometimes never expect to stoop,  or doing things that you would not dream of doing.

When asked for a reason: - "I do not trust people"
Then is the job choice a right one?
I don't know...this is a job which you sometimes have to feel as though you are a sitting duck for many unexpected things.
You get hurt, angry, upset, insulted...but you will learn to laugh, and grow, especially with the children.

I hope she understands why I am being cruel to be kind.
She is not ready, and needs to find herself first.

But that also leaves me with a big question for self-reflection
What happens when I lose my own heart for teaching?
Leave Dee....leave.

When Titans clash...

I am sooooo mad right now.
Mad at myself, and two other people who think they are my friends.
I am furious at how one seemingly innocent thing has sparked a war, and in the end, I end up being the stupid one caught in between.

No...this time, I refused to say that it is my fault.
How can it be?
All it started out with was that statement on facebook....about my obsession with B&J....and how eating ice-cream helps me out with my marking.

Then it started...people added comments.
Not so much about me and B&Js...(which I can definitely take)...
but something about marking and going to 'war'.
Yup...a full scale war of words did escalate between 2 people....2 hot-headed and opinionated people.

It's either damned I do, damned I don't case.
Both are my friends...and they don't know each other....
But how dare they want me to take sides?

I am fuming because I am a coward.
Instead of telling both them off...I took the easy way out.
Easy, my foot.
Why do I have to suspend my FB accounts because of them?

Dee, you are too too too soft.
All you have to do was to give them a piece of your mind.

But as educators, they forget.
Their accounts are tied to their students...and the whole world can read the comments.
If teachers engage in verbal slanging...then what are we teaching the students?
That we cannot give and take...that arguments have to be aired in public...with name callings and all?
No...
that is the rationale that I am going by.

Sometimes, one wins by saying nothing.
People will see me as a coward, but I maintain my dignity.
What's the point of standing up for your rights..if in the process, you create a lot of unhappiness for other people.

"Hold your head high, and keep those fists down"....
I have chosen...to lose.