The Greek philosopher Plato once asserted, " The first and the best victory is to conquer self". How often are we able to do this?
Sometimes I wonder why it is so hard to allow the mind to conquer the spirit, or even the other way round. When there are long and difficult days, why does it feel that it is so much easier to give up than push on? Or why is it that it feels so challenging to do what is right even when do you not feel like you want to do it.
I am not schizophrenic...nor am I delusional.
Yet time and time again, it feels strange when the brain and the heart do not work in tandem with each other. I sometimes get this surreal experience when I can 'hear' the two parts having a conversation with each other.
Lets take a simple case: NTUC offers the tubs of Ben&Jerry's at a special price.
Heart: Yea! Yea! Go...go...get it...buy...buy.
Brain: Hey, excuse me...take a good look at what B&J has done to the body. Fat..Fat..
Heart: Hello...it's all in the stress factor ok? So what? She's married anyway...She
can afford to be rounded.
Brain: But you know she will consume it at one go...that's not good.
Heart: Look...when she needs to feel good...and if chocolate ice-cream is the
antidote, why do you want to stop her?
Brain: Hey...she consumes too much chocolate already lah. The highs and lows are
are like peaks and valleys.
Heart: If she is happy...we are happy?
Brain: Really ah...but if she gets sick...
Heart: I suffer first...oh no...
Brain: But...we do want her happy...
Heart: So how now?
I hope you get the point...Imagine going window shopping, and having all this internal conversation going on. I don't need to tell you who usually wins. Reason, compassion, logic, empathy all must be delicately balanced.
But seriously, on a higher level, this is really tough. While I may be able to present the most logical and rational thought processes, I still succumb. Where did the self-will and discipline go to?
There are so many other things going on in our lives where we need the moral courage and integrity to put things 'right'. But time and time again, because of challenges, because of self-doubts, because of circumstances...we throw in the towel...or worse this, allow apathy to set in.
Sir Edmund Hillary was once asked about how he made it to the top of Mount Everest. While he acknowledged the physical challenges, he remarked, "It is not the mountains we conquer, but overselves."
So I'm going back to the very basic things...self-discipline.
I need to re-learn to master myself first...
Wish me well.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I Remember....
Almost 20 years ago, a naive, yet eager young teacher opened up an offical letter she received which told her of where she would be posted. She had been lucky to be educated in fairly 'good schools', and thus, was ready to set forth to reciprocate and 'mould the minds of the future.' When she read the name of the institution, she had to sit down. Could she ever survive?
Hahaha...
How fast 20 years seem to fly by.
And how I have spent 20 years in a place which is very much my second home...and through its gates, walked many of the children whom I have come to love, and call my own. Have I survived?
There were many times when I thought I could not, would not...but those moments of doubt will be weighed over by the little moments of triumph and joy of those whose lives crossed mine.
A group of people who have a special place in my life is the batch of kids I grew up with from 1989 - 1993. It was a time when I learned much more from my kids then I can ever teach them. It was then that my eyes opened to the harshness of the 'real world' that I have been shielded from.
I learned from my kids to play hard, to laugh, to cry...and to be resilient. When I adopted a 'holier-than-thou' attitude, they brought me down a peg or two. They taught me for to stand up for rights...and to do the things one belief in...they showed me how to believe. And they drilled into me that the one thing that would keep me going in my job...is to keep on loving the children...no matter how tough the going can be.
Yesterday, when I met up with some of them, I feel I have come to a full circle.
Sufian...my 'nemesis'...there was never a day that went by without us quarreling. We still can spar right?
Shulaila...sweet and gentle as ever.
Azman...you still drive me nuts...in a nice way yesterday
Huzaini...the maturity that I see and respect
Sylvia...who has developed into a strong and outgoing character
Chelsia...wow...the level of confidence is getting you places.
Bisme...what can I say? I take my hat off you...for your will to overcome and chase your dreams.
A special mention of dear, diligent Kenneth, whose idomitable spirit has made him a 'driver' with Singapore's major airline...Hahaha...Hold your head high...never let anyone tell you that it cannot be done.
and of course the many, many other individuals whom I managed to catch up with yesterday.
To the class of 93...thank you for being such a big part of my life.
You have made your mark...
Hahaha...
How fast 20 years seem to fly by.
And how I have spent 20 years in a place which is very much my second home...and through its gates, walked many of the children whom I have come to love, and call my own. Have I survived?
There were many times when I thought I could not, would not...but those moments of doubt will be weighed over by the little moments of triumph and joy of those whose lives crossed mine.
A group of people who have a special place in my life is the batch of kids I grew up with from 1989 - 1993. It was a time when I learned much more from my kids then I can ever teach them. It was then that my eyes opened to the harshness of the 'real world' that I have been shielded from.
I learned from my kids to play hard, to laugh, to cry...and to be resilient. When I adopted a 'holier-than-thou' attitude, they brought me down a peg or two. They taught me for to stand up for rights...and to do the things one belief in...they showed me how to believe. And they drilled into me that the one thing that would keep me going in my job...is to keep on loving the children...no matter how tough the going can be.
Yesterday, when I met up with some of them, I feel I have come to a full circle.
Sufian...my 'nemesis'...there was never a day that went by without us quarreling. We still can spar right?
Shulaila...sweet and gentle as ever.
Azman...you still drive me nuts...in a nice way yesterday
Huzaini...the maturity that I see and respect
Sylvia...who has developed into a strong and outgoing character
Chelsia...wow...the level of confidence is getting you places.
Bisme...what can I say? I take my hat off you...for your will to overcome and chase your dreams.
A special mention of dear, diligent Kenneth, whose idomitable spirit has made him a 'driver' with Singapore's major airline...Hahaha...Hold your head high...never let anyone tell you that it cannot be done.
and of course the many, many other individuals whom I managed to catch up with yesterday.
To the class of 93...thank you for being such a big part of my life.
You have made your mark...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Just One - A Moment in Memory
Here is my response to some of the tags in Facebook. I know I have shared "John's story" with most of you, it is truly something I will not be able to forget so easily.
“One life can make a difference: - it’s really up to you.” Those are the final lines of a poem entitled “Just One” which I find meaningful. As I ponder over them, I finally understood the impact of the phrase. If I could turn back the Hands of Time, I really would have gone the extra mile to make a difference.
John was a teacher’s dream. He greeted me with a cheery hello each morning, and wished me well at the end of the day. He was meticulous in his work, and was always immaculately dressed. He had a kind, gentle soul and his sensitivity was expressed through his creative artwork and his soulful renditions of classics when he tinkled on the keys of the school piano each afternoon.
As a young, inexperienced educator then, I tended to think that the well-behaved ones are able to hold out on their own. My energy and attention were reserved for those who see me as their arch nemesis.
“May I speak to you, please,” he asked one afternoon. The expression on his face was somber.
“Sure… Oh…I have a meeting…Can it wait?”
The eyes that met mine did not have its usual sparkle. A fleeting sense of unease struck me, but I dismissed it as him being stressed. The national exams were not too far away.
He nodded, and turned away wearily. From behind, it seemed as if the weight of the whole world were on his shoulders. I hesitated. Again the niggling feeling told me something was not right. I knew his friends had been giving him a hard time. They were always teasing him with names likes “Nerd” and “Geek”. But so far, John had never taken these to heart. He would just smile and join along.
I had lessons with the class, and made that wonderful announcement. John had scored a distinction in English in his preliminary examinations; the only one in class who had managed to do so. The reaction of the class was typical. Instead of cheering, they groaned and pulled funny faces.
John had laughed too, though the smile never quite reached his eyes. I had wanted to scold the class for being unsupportive and mean. But the child sat there smiling stoically through it all. I wanted then to say how proud I was of him, but my attention was distracted by someone else who was getting out of line.
The bell rang for the end of the day. A lone, tired figure approached the table while the rest scrambled out of the door towards freedom.
“Cher…thank you. “ The voice caught momentarily. I stared at him long and hard. Instinct told me that something was not quite right.
“Well done, John. I am proud of you,” I said.
He shrugged. “It does not matter. I do not make a difference,” and with that, he left the class. The words rang in my ears, but before I could ask him what he meant, I had to run for my meeting. I could not forget those words.
John did not come back the next day…In fact, he never came back at all. He ended his young life, and left me with many unanswered questions.
I wish I had taken the trouble to speak to him, I wish I had listened; I wish I had scolded the class. If only I had cared enough, if only I had given him the time. I can keep on wishing a million times, but I know I will never see the serene smile again. It seems that a moment of folly may never undo a lifetime of regret.
However, if there is one thing I have learnt, it is that every child matters, and every child makes a difference. It is up to me to make that difference.
Dear God, today I say a pray for John...and all the other Johns out there in the world.
“One life can make a difference: - it’s really up to you.” Those are the final lines of a poem entitled “Just One” which I find meaningful. As I ponder over them, I finally understood the impact of the phrase. If I could turn back the Hands of Time, I really would have gone the extra mile to make a difference.
John was a teacher’s dream. He greeted me with a cheery hello each morning, and wished me well at the end of the day. He was meticulous in his work, and was always immaculately dressed. He had a kind, gentle soul and his sensitivity was expressed through his creative artwork and his soulful renditions of classics when he tinkled on the keys of the school piano each afternoon.
As a young, inexperienced educator then, I tended to think that the well-behaved ones are able to hold out on their own. My energy and attention were reserved for those who see me as their arch nemesis.
“May I speak to you, please,” he asked one afternoon. The expression on his face was somber.
“Sure… Oh…I have a meeting…Can it wait?”
The eyes that met mine did not have its usual sparkle. A fleeting sense of unease struck me, but I dismissed it as him being stressed. The national exams were not too far away.
He nodded, and turned away wearily. From behind, it seemed as if the weight of the whole world were on his shoulders. I hesitated. Again the niggling feeling told me something was not right. I knew his friends had been giving him a hard time. They were always teasing him with names likes “Nerd” and “Geek”. But so far, John had never taken these to heart. He would just smile and join along.
I had lessons with the class, and made that wonderful announcement. John had scored a distinction in English in his preliminary examinations; the only one in class who had managed to do so. The reaction of the class was typical. Instead of cheering, they groaned and pulled funny faces.
John had laughed too, though the smile never quite reached his eyes. I had wanted to scold the class for being unsupportive and mean. But the child sat there smiling stoically through it all. I wanted then to say how proud I was of him, but my attention was distracted by someone else who was getting out of line.
The bell rang for the end of the day. A lone, tired figure approached the table while the rest scrambled out of the door towards freedom.
“Cher…thank you. “ The voice caught momentarily. I stared at him long and hard. Instinct told me that something was not quite right.
“Well done, John. I am proud of you,” I said.
He shrugged. “It does not matter. I do not make a difference,” and with that, he left the class. The words rang in my ears, but before I could ask him what he meant, I had to run for my meeting. I could not forget those words.
John did not come back the next day…In fact, he never came back at all. He ended his young life, and left me with many unanswered questions.
I wish I had taken the trouble to speak to him, I wish I had listened; I wish I had scolded the class. If only I had cared enough, if only I had given him the time. I can keep on wishing a million times, but I know I will never see the serene smile again. It seems that a moment of folly may never undo a lifetime of regret.
However, if there is one thing I have learnt, it is that every child matters, and every child makes a difference. It is up to me to make that difference.
Dear God, today I say a pray for John...and all the other Johns out there in the world.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Life Scripts
I read something today which fascinates me. In the area of transactional analysis, Eric Berne claims that people 'are born in inately healthy, but develope patterns early in life based on negative or positive influences around them.' This patterns are called life scripts.
We know of the debate of nature vs nurture. This is a case in point for the case of how the environment we are expose to govern the way we behave. It seems that from an early age, we fall into a role that is played in our family's day-to-day lives. Once this role is decided, we spend the rest of our lives playing it all. Those whose early years are negative..will play out their lives less than happy; unless one make a conscious decision and effort to change.
Does it not go back to choice, attitude and responsiblility of an individual?
Our life scripts, I feel, does not really have to determine how our life should unfold...whether good or bad.
Yes, there may be many times when I reflect about my own life.
Did I really join the teaching service because 'it was in the genes'? That because there are more than 15 of the family in the profession, that I went along too?
Nope...I am clear on why I wanted to teach then.
However, now I can take a step back and ask if I want to do something else...there is no need to just play out a script, without reflecting and pondering when there are uncertainties within you.
Life is always evolving and changing. Life is not static...but life is transcient. Seize whatever opportunities we have to make changes, and be flexible and adaptable to changes.
Remember, life scripts that be changed - for improvements, and to meet new challenges. Let us, and not others, be the one who pens our own story...of a life well-lived.
We know of the debate of nature vs nurture. This is a case in point for the case of how the environment we are expose to govern the way we behave. It seems that from an early age, we fall into a role that is played in our family's day-to-day lives. Once this role is decided, we spend the rest of our lives playing it all. Those whose early years are negative..will play out their lives less than happy; unless one make a conscious decision and effort to change.
Does it not go back to choice, attitude and responsiblility of an individual?
Our life scripts, I feel, does not really have to determine how our life should unfold...whether good or bad.
Yes, there may be many times when I reflect about my own life.
Did I really join the teaching service because 'it was in the genes'? That because there are more than 15 of the family in the profession, that I went along too?
Nope...I am clear on why I wanted to teach then.
However, now I can take a step back and ask if I want to do something else...there is no need to just play out a script, without reflecting and pondering when there are uncertainties within you.
Life is always evolving and changing. Life is not static...but life is transcient. Seize whatever opportunities we have to make changes, and be flexible and adaptable to changes.
Remember, life scripts that be changed - for improvements, and to meet new challenges. Let us, and not others, be the one who pens our own story...of a life well-lived.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Of Atttitudes and Aptitudes
It has been an eventful week; with so many things that happened. Maybe with the onset of the full moon, and the alignment of the things in the solar system, this triggers some of 'natural, innate desire' to do things which are simply beyond reason...like how wolves and wild dogs howl at the moon...hahaha.
If only such logic holds water.
We sometimes tread a fine line between reality and illusion; and choose what we ourselves want to believe. This is part of our makeup.
Recently, I have been asking the young minds about how ready they are to go for 'war'. Few, so far, understood the significance of the analogy, and even fewer have bothered to want to apply this to their current situation.
'Wars' can be waged at many levels. (Hahaha...perhaps the total defence campaigns need to be re-looked). One of the crucial aspects of the 'war' the kids are going to embark, is waged in their minds.
While I can teach and equip them with 'physical, practical knowledge' to face the enemy at the end of the year, the challenge is to prepare both their hearts and minds at the same time. Many wage internal battles as they face obstacles along the way...and sadly, at this stage, are not even ready to believe that they can overcome.
I believe that one of the hardest things to do, is to be your own best friend...sometimes, the biggest enemy lies within ourselves. Those who are realistic and pragmatic often point out that I cannot expect too much; that one's aptitude sets the ceiling to what one is able to do. I fully understand that.
The current reality may seem to be that because society has segregated people based on their abilities and talents, we have allowed ourselves to be judged simply based on those criterion. We chain ourselves to this perception.
Yet, time and time again, we know of how the human spirit is capable of far greater things when the right attitude prevails. Armed with a positive outlook, a winner's mindset, and a heavy dose of resilience and courage...the impossible can really become possible.
I am not talking about one dreaming of becoming superheroes who leap off tall buildings and owning extra-ordinary powers. I just hope that my charges will keep on believing in themselves, and pushing and testing themselves beyond the limits that they think they are capable of.
Alas, maybe, complacency has set in.
Many are not 'hungry' enough to want to win.
Many still believe 'this is me...I can only do so much.'
And in an age of instant gratification, they may not have the patience to just keep on trying again, and again, and again...till they emerge victorious.
We all know how easy it is to find reasons (and excuses).
"I am not good/clever/intelligent/smart/strong/fast.....enough."
Worse still, there are others who say, "luck was not on my side".
Then, if this it the way most feel, then even people like Einstein (who was a school drop out), and Edison (who failed thousands of times before his bulb lit up literally) would not have made a greaat impact to the world.
God, keep me rooted to the ground, while I keep my eyes to the sky.
As a man, I am not born to physically fly, but as long as my spirit does, I know I can go anyway.
If only such logic holds water.
We sometimes tread a fine line between reality and illusion; and choose what we ourselves want to believe. This is part of our makeup.
Recently, I have been asking the young minds about how ready they are to go for 'war'. Few, so far, understood the significance of the analogy, and even fewer have bothered to want to apply this to their current situation.
'Wars' can be waged at many levels. (Hahaha...perhaps the total defence campaigns need to be re-looked). One of the crucial aspects of the 'war' the kids are going to embark, is waged in their minds.
While I can teach and equip them with 'physical, practical knowledge' to face the enemy at the end of the year, the challenge is to prepare both their hearts and minds at the same time. Many wage internal battles as they face obstacles along the way...and sadly, at this stage, are not even ready to believe that they can overcome.
I believe that one of the hardest things to do, is to be your own best friend...sometimes, the biggest enemy lies within ourselves. Those who are realistic and pragmatic often point out that I cannot expect too much; that one's aptitude sets the ceiling to what one is able to do. I fully understand that.
The current reality may seem to be that because society has segregated people based on their abilities and talents, we have allowed ourselves to be judged simply based on those criterion. We chain ourselves to this perception.
Yet, time and time again, we know of how the human spirit is capable of far greater things when the right attitude prevails. Armed with a positive outlook, a winner's mindset, and a heavy dose of resilience and courage...the impossible can really become possible.
I am not talking about one dreaming of becoming superheroes who leap off tall buildings and owning extra-ordinary powers. I just hope that my charges will keep on believing in themselves, and pushing and testing themselves beyond the limits that they think they are capable of.
Alas, maybe, complacency has set in.
Many are not 'hungry' enough to want to win.
Many still believe 'this is me...I can only do so much.'
And in an age of instant gratification, they may not have the patience to just keep on trying again, and again, and again...till they emerge victorious.
We all know how easy it is to find reasons (and excuses).
"I am not good/clever/intelligent/smart/strong/fast.....enough."
Worse still, there are others who say, "luck was not on my side".
Then, if this it the way most feel, then even people like Einstein (who was a school drop out), and Edison (who failed thousands of times before his bulb lit up literally) would not have made a greaat impact to the world.
God, keep me rooted to the ground, while I keep my eyes to the sky.
As a man, I am not born to physically fly, but as long as my spirit does, I know I can go anyway.
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Uniform in Blue
Today, someone walked into the room and plonked himself in the chair next to mine. Actually, for a period of time, I had gotten use to his presence - someone whom I can talk to about many things under the sun. His earnest nature, and quick thinking make him a good person to bounce ideas with, and his responses were often sensible and logical.
Those around me found his presence equally comforting. Unknown to him, he was a symbol of all the things we hope to achieve when we mould our charges. Yes, he is rooted, but we felt we could share a minute percentage of the credit as to how he has turned out.
Today, he came back because of a promise made.
He had once told me that he would not want to return if all his dreams and goals cannot be achieved. At one point, it looked as if this was the current reality.
Not all hopes are lost though.
He walked through the gates...with the uniform in blue - and was true to his first promise.
In that uniform, I sense the transformation.
There was more life and vitality in his voice, and a renewed vigor to face all challenges.
He was different, and yet the same...
I am proud of you.
Those around me found his presence equally comforting. Unknown to him, he was a symbol of all the things we hope to achieve when we mould our charges. Yes, he is rooted, but we felt we could share a minute percentage of the credit as to how he has turned out.
Today, he came back because of a promise made.
He had once told me that he would not want to return if all his dreams and goals cannot be achieved. At one point, it looked as if this was the current reality.
Not all hopes are lost though.
He walked through the gates...with the uniform in blue - and was true to his first promise.
In that uniform, I sense the transformation.
There was more life and vitality in his voice, and a renewed vigor to face all challenges.
He was different, and yet the same...
I am proud of you.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Indispensable Man - by S.W.Kessinger
Sometimes when you're feeling important;
Sometimes when your ego's in bloom
Sometimes when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room,
Sometimes when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions
And see how they humble your soul;
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to your wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that's remainig
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.
You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop and you'll find that in no time
It looks quite the same as before.
The moral of this quaint example
Is do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself, but remember,
There is no indispensable man!
Oh wow...
This is a reminder to myself that sometimes, when we think we get so good at something, no one else can ever replace us. In reality, there is really no such thing as being the BEST PERSON EVER for the job. Life is not static, it keeps on evolving, and thus we should not simply lie on our laurels and live in glories of the past.
Life is fleeting...Life is short.
But until the end of time, it means that we have to constantly give our best...and keep moving on.
For the past few days, I know I have been whining. It seems to contradict all the things which I have said I ought to be grateful for.
So again here is a time for a quick self-reflection:
While I do not deserve to bear the brunt of the outburst, has there been times when I felt appreciated ?
Has there been times when the turnaround in the child's behaviour made me feel useful?
Let he, who is free from all sins, be the first to throw stones at others.
Unfortunately, I am not free from flaws and shortcomings.
I will move on.
God...I pray for wisdom and a clarity of heart. Ameen
Sometimes when your ego's in bloom
Sometimes when you take it for granted
You're the best qualified in the room,
Sometimes when you feel that your going
Would leave an unfillable hole,
Just follow these simple instructions
And see how they humble your soul;
Take a bucket and fill it with water,
Put your hand in it up to your wrist,
Pull it out and the hole that's remainig
Is a measure of how you'll be missed.
You can splash all you wish when you enter,
You may stir up the water galore,
But stop and you'll find that in no time
It looks quite the same as before.
The moral of this quaint example
Is do just the best that you can,
Be proud of yourself, but remember,
There is no indispensable man!
Oh wow...
This is a reminder to myself that sometimes, when we think we get so good at something, no one else can ever replace us. In reality, there is really no such thing as being the BEST PERSON EVER for the job. Life is not static, it keeps on evolving, and thus we should not simply lie on our laurels and live in glories of the past.
Life is fleeting...Life is short.
But until the end of time, it means that we have to constantly give our best...and keep moving on.
For the past few days, I know I have been whining. It seems to contradict all the things which I have said I ought to be grateful for.
So again here is a time for a quick self-reflection:
While I do not deserve to bear the brunt of the outburst, has there been times when I felt appreciated ?
Has there been times when the turnaround in the child's behaviour made me feel useful?
Let he, who is free from all sins, be the first to throw stones at others.
Unfortunately, I am not free from flaws and shortcomings.
I will move on.
God...I pray for wisdom and a clarity of heart. Ameen
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