If You Believe

I've had another eventful week. I think that in my line of work, there will never be a 'dull' day, for something seems to happen unexpectedly...and no matter how many years of experience I have had, each situation will definitely be one that is ...er..a learning point.

But this is also a time, when I managed to get reconnected with some individuals whom I feel have made me think again, about how resilience, faith and perserverance can take a person far in life.

Firstly there is Ping.
He has always been quiet, unassuming, and the 'little boy' with the shy smile. He was overshadowed by his more outgoing and forthright classmates. Haha...my class of '96 will always be special to me...the babies who grew up with me.

Anyway, no one expected Ping to emerge top. I mean...it was impressive that he got his 5A1s then. He was the dark horse...whose attitude was..."never give up trying."
When he got in touch with me again (finally) via Facebook, it's so nice to hear that he has not changed much. He is still humble and polite, and now that he has a teacher for a wife, he tells her "not to look down on neighbourhood school's".

Kenneth decided to have a long chat with me again. Now that NS is finally going to end, he's gonna start to hit the books once more...but I know that his soul is restless. He has dreams...some of which may not be fulfilled by the traditional academic route. My advice for him is to hold on to those dreams first...but be pragmatic enough to get what is necessary for him to move on in life.

K too has come out of his 'under the radar' moods. He is more open, and calmer. The fiery temper has cooled, and he has learnt to control his wilful ways. That really puts my mind at ease.

Oh...before I forget, I must tell AB about how worried I am...this child wavers between melancholia and determined upswings...and I guess, I bear the brunt of some of the blunt remarks...they can be hurtful...but I understand where the reaction comes from. Hang in there.

I am still looking for a few lost sheep...some who has gone away to greener pastures, while some stayed away for reasons only they know. My prayers are that they are safe, wherever they may be...and that they know...there will always be people who understand and believe in them.

If you believe...
you make miracles happen.

Chinks in the Walls

Of late, I think I have been talking to Walls.
You know what walls can be like...cold and unresponsive.

Some walls are simply facades put up as part of the seemingly solid fortress so that nothing can get in. Some are there to deter others from finding out what is going on inside. Some are built to protect and shield.

Anyway, all walls do have chinks...and it is a matter of time before they break and fall. But I wonder if I have the patience to keep on trying.

It is not easy you know...and more often than not, I find myself knocking my head against the hard stones...and it can hurt...very very badly. I am getting tired of doing it.

Is it worth it to even try?
You tell me.
I am just to tired to think.
Just be careful of what you say and do...for I think I give up.

What is a Teacher

This goes out to the many unsung heroes in the line of education.
I found this poem by Gerald Grow, a journalist from www.longleaf.net .It is especially for those who have taken many of the kids under their wings and have moulded them through the years...and especially the younger ones...who need to feel that they are indeed doing the right thing.


What is a Teacher?

To a mind of flint, the teacher must be iron, and strike sparks. To the empty pitcher, the teacher becomes a well. To the fallow mind, a planter of seeds. To the cluttered mind, a gardener to weed, shape, and clear a space for growing.

To the lens, the teacher is light, and to the mind of light, a lens.

To the sleeper, the teacher is the wake-up call of birds at sunrise. To clay, the teacher is potter, sculptor, and trainer in self-shaping. To the wanderer, the teacher is a knowing guide. To the developed mind, the teacher is colleague, listener, friend.

To all, the teacher is a mirror that shows not only the self but the path and its choices, the task and its demands--the difficulties, the joys. To all and from all, the teacher is a learner, a person--and a prism through which the ordinary continuously reveals itself to be miraculous.
- Gerald Grow 1977 -

I want to add a few things of my own.
A teacher...is the one who helps to open doors and continues to open them...even if they get slammed in the face.
...is the one who catches when the child falls, and encourages him to believe he can stand again.
...is the one who must be surrogate parent ...when there is no role models around
...the one who has to be cruel in order to be kind...when the situation calls for it.
...teach about self-awareness when it is sorely lacking
...guides the child towards self-discovery
...works on both intuition, logic and love.
...learns to love the child unconditionally; correct the mistakes the child makes...and not hold it against the character.

A great teacher cares about humanity.

So to my heroes out there, I salute you...for being people I look up too. I still have a long long way to go.

Stay strong...and continue your good work.
I draw my inspiration from you.

Just me
The Effectively Ineffective One

Pain

Of all the pain I have ever experienced, there is one that is the hardest to bear. But before I discuss that, I want to talk about why I have been away from work lately.

I have written about my problem with Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.
I was relatively pain-free for almost a year, but then recently, the symptoms came back - from the numbness to the pins and needles and the intense aches. It seems to have crawled up behind to the neck area...and when that strikes, it hits the head too...cos the brain reacts to it and a mega-migraine gets triggered.

On Friday, I finally decided to do something about it. Of course, the young doctor's recommendation as a pain remedy was to inject the affected area...4 times. He got the cheek to tell me.."Go ahead and cry if you want to." Mind you, the last thing I wanted to do was to cry and embarrass myself. But ow..ow..ow...ow..

That was not the end of the story. I found the potency of some pain killers. For the first time ever, I received Valium...no wonder they are controlled substances. Sure it knocked me out...but have you ever felt stupid? I could not think straight...and though the pain seemed to have been erased...I could barely count to 10...or even retain short term memory. Scary....so had to go to the gp who told me that the 10mg dosage was way way too much (apparently..that's the amount they would use in mental patients only lah)

It's time to take stock to what I am doing.
And that is why the emotional pain comes in.
I stand to lose a lot of things...and I have to let go.

Will I ever have the courage to stand up and do it?
Time will decide...
In the meantime, I will pray that God will give me the strength and good health to carry on.

I am blessed to have my family who have been giving me support,
and some special kids...who are rallying around me.
Thanks Sky and K...thank you...thank you for believing in me.

Sleepless and Unsettled

I am more of a lark rather than an owl.
Years of habit has helped me spring up in the morning, and usually, I am bright and perky. But alas, the downside of that was trying to keep my eyes open after 10pm.

Even as a student, I would prefer to turn in early and then get up at about 3-4pm to study. In the still of the early hours of the morning, I find myself more at peace, and being able to concentrate fully. I enjoy the calm and tranquility , and almost nothing bothers me...the silence is oh-so-beautiful. When I pursued my Masters, it was more meaningful to read my notes at the wee hours before daybreak, for the mind is at peace.

But things have changed lately.
Why am I up so late?
While do I find myself restless and unsettled?

I rue the day when...just like Macbeth who was cursed with "Macbeth shalt sleep no more.."
I need my balm...to soothe my troubled mind.

(so if you see me with panda eyes...you know why)

Floored by Flaws

`In the midst of the excitment and chaos, something happened that made me question by priorities and values. We had been running around trying to manage the situation that had shaken our credibility.

Honestly, I had been fuming. It had taken quite a while for the individual to understand the repercussions of the actions done. At the back of my mind, I had to consciously tell myself the line of work that I am in...education...and the biggest part of that will be to guide, teach, care for and protect.

Then came the sms...Zarifah had sent a message that she was feeling unwell and had fainted in school. Her grandfather had picked her up and sent her to the doctor.

Immediately I called her up. I asked her why she had not asked the school to get in touch with me, or she herself call me. This was her reply.
"I told the school not to call you...because my Mama is very busy. I do not want to disturb you."

There and then...the tears fell. As I looked across the table, I saw someone else's child...that I had the responsibility to look after...no matter how much trouble that person was.

But what about my own?
What about my responsibility as a mother?
How had it come to a point where my kids think that others come first before them.

I am flawed...I have truly failed her.
I am so sorry Iffah...for letting you down.

This will bear weight on the decisions that I will make pretty soon.

And to Sky...
I tried...I tried...
To "AB"
No more stones...no more ripples

I Will Remember You

You suddenly appeared in my dreams and triggered memories long buried. I never thought that the first feeling that would emerge is pain.

Was it the song?
Was it the mind's pictures that replaying like a broken record?

You taught me how to dance...and yet clipped my wings

Yes, I will remember you.