Un-learn, learn and re-learn(Poison Pen)

The cliche goes: "If something ain't broken, why fix it, right?"
Then comes another that claims,"Think out of the box...break all the rules first...and put them all back together."

The world is full of such sayings...to fit whatever situation we might be in.
Anyway, what does all these have to do with 'lessons' per se?

I deleted, or at least, suspended my facebook account.
For 2 reasons...
One it is getting to 'difficult' to manage ... what is the point of adding so many friends and only to hide them?
I guess I lost the whole objective of doing that.

The other, of course, is a bitter reason, which I have failed to learn again.
I have previously deleted my blogs and friendster accounts because of this.
I know that when you post something on the internet, the information becomes public domain.  So one has to be very careful and selective in the things that is said, or written...because very little remains sacred.

I thought I had been careful, and be as objective as I can.
In my line of duty, the last thing I want to do is to get caught in any contraversy , or in an uncompromising position.  I took care about what I wrote, about what I posted...and what I did on line.

I was wrong before...and I am wrong now...and perhaps...in future too...I will be wrong again.
With such information readily available, we now are all siting ducks...due to our own doings.
Any Tom, Dick or Harry can get access...and I know not of their intentions.

But it seems like a lot of people out there, behind the cloak of anonymity, take perverse pleasure in condemning others, ridiculing them, and even hurting...
The internet has unleashed the negative side of Man at our worst.
We glee in provoking and insulting, and enjoy sadistically bullying others.
We assassinate people with our words...

I do not know what I have done to even some of these people...heck...I do not even know some of them.
Maybe if it makes your day, to tear me to shreds...well, I am just wondering if you would have the same courage to say those things to my face.  You may not like me...and if it makes your day to de-mean me, and attack my integrity, I just don't understand.

Dear God,
It is a trying time...especially when I am challenged in more ways than one.
Please help those who are not happy with me...fill them with a sense of inner peace...
So that they will not continue to do it to others.
Ameen

Lost and loss

In a way, I was kind of expecting the dreams to come; especially after events of the day.
The ones of loss...
This time they symbols were clearer.

First was what I can title "The Bus".
I was supposed to escort a load of students somewhere.
But not all of them got on the bus...some had refused to board.
So I told the bus driver to make a stop somewhere to wait for the group.
But I got down, to herd as many of those who got were wandering all by themselves.
I thought I had to...
And to my dismay, as I was the last person...I saw the bus leaving me instead.
I was the one who got lost instead.

The second was the loss of a loved one.
It was as if I had a rendezvous with him...
I meet shortly...and the last thing he promised me was he would come back...
But he never did.
I heard from people that he was gone forever
And I was left...forlorn and alone
Still wandering around in circles wondering what had happened
And why a promise to return was not kept

Vivid or not...I am rather apprehensive to look to deeply into these
In a way, I think I can guess their symbolism

Dear God
Leave me not behind.
Ameen

How do I deal with this?

I have not written for some time, even though many things have happened.
I thought after all these years dealing with young people, I would be prepared for this.

But I am not...and it is scary.
How do I remain calm and collected, when this is the most frightening thing that I have ever encountered?
Why have I been so helpless?

The facade ... is really nothing but bravado.
I am able to speak about it aloud, but inside...only God knows.

Dear God,
Catch me...I do not want to fall.
Ameen

Touche - ?

This is for AB...
in response to what you have been up to

Today, you took me by surprise.
Instead of a dour look, there was a smile on your face this morning.  (My faltering, blurry eyesight may be wrong though)...a smile that seemed to reach your eyes.  I have not seen that for quite some time now.

For quite a while too...you seemed to have so caught up by an internal turmoil.
The 'ghosts' of your past haunt you...and you carry the albatross on your shoulder something you cannot shake off.  Funnily, at the back of my mind, I seem to still think that you really need to hold on to those things that weigh you down.  It is as if , if you finally decide to let them go...you'll find yourself without a sense of direction.

Round and round...
I think you have disected the problems...and analysed the causes ...in a way that only you can.
Your mind is sharp, - you think with such clarity...but..
The but shall remain a but...
for while you know the why and the how,
letting go...is still the hardest step for you to take.

I am sure, that by now, you would have realised that there are actually people who care for you.
That even though you seem to think that you are driving people away, your friends are there for you.
(Haha..I had actually hoped that some sweet young thing would have soften you up a little, and defrost you a little...but...nah, you will not allow that...not yet)

I am not sure if you are trying...but just like many others before you, I see a rite of passage coming.  It's like you having to walk through an uncertain path on your own.  Those who try to watch out for you can only stand by the sides and watch...as you try to take tentative steps forward...that is...if you really want to do you.  You are not quite ready to let go...you can't yet.

But let me say that you will...
You are the only one who can break through the shackles of your mind.

I have hope.
For today, I saw your smile...and I heard you laugh.
To me, that is a positive sign.

I don't know if you remember why I call you AB...or if you understand what AB really means.
It does not matter...
Just remember...you are special.

Symbols

I'm trying to make it a point to jot down the symbols of my dreams.
Last night...the whole image had to do with boats and water.
Twice, the vessels capsized.
One with me at the helm, trying to balance a shipful of passengers who could not keep still and insisted on rocking.
The second, I was brought to a lake...and my rower insisted that I stand in that tiny canoe and try to keep balance.

So, in both dreams, I ended up in the water.
The first one...struggling to come up to the surface.
The second...eerily calm...letting the quiet, still waters embalm me....

Dear God
You know best...guide me.
Ameen

A Time for Change

There have been many changes taking place in my life recently. Both good and not so good.

When things change, I need to adapt and at times, tolerate.
I learn, un-learn and re-learn.

When things change, it is time to move on.
I have to let go of some things that I once held so dear.
I question to ask myself why.

When things change, I can laugh or cry.
At the end of the day...nothing remains the same.

Hmmm....I wonder

It was interesting that the child picked up something which I had written quite a while back.  I wondered what was in his head lately.  My senses has been tingling lately, and I know, whatever, and however I felt, I had to draw back first, and wait and see...cos firstly, this is no longer a child and secondly, it will take a lot out of him to ask for help.

What do you get when the left brain and the right brain collide?
Never the twain shall meet?
I hope not.
I still feel that he is a bundle of contradictions; but  yes, I still stand by my belief that sometimes, if we always find a logical explanation as to why things happen the way they do...well, sometimes it may lead us to a lot of discontentment within.  And since I surrender myself to a higher Will up there,  I have learn to accept what comes my way a little 'easier'.  I pray for the day when this child will too, someday.

I can't win via logic, his skills have been honed and surpassed mine.
But I will remain true to my inner feelings, and intuition.  That is the grey area that he refuses to be drawn into. And since God has been pushing special kids by my way,
I know... I will keep on trying.

Here is a poem worth mulling over.
If...things can be explained, one way or another, then whether he has a literature background or not, does not matter.
Think this one through.

The Paintbrush - Lee Eizkel
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.

I’m so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you’ll do
– that You might laugh or say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love Me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I Can Love Me, too.

Take care, AB.
Keep your paintbrush near...and use it
until you are really ready.