Since the school has decided to adopt the CAR motto (Choices, Attitudes & Responsibilities), I am going to focus on that for the next few entries.
In this profession, my job is to teach, and pass on the knowledge to another person.
But what is important, is that I remain teachable....meaning that I must focus on wanting to learn myself.
I must be open to the fact that there are still a lot of things that I do not know, and that each opportunity may present to me as a learning experience.
These days, I know I can no longer expect the kids to be seated quietly and dutifully follow what I say. I am not the 'master', and it is not a 'monkey see, monkey do' situation. No matter how much knowledge I may think I have, I can learn from what happens around me.
Failure thus...is something necessary in life. Without failures, we don't learn . Some people may think of defeats and outcomes that are not positive as signs of shortcomings...that may be true, but one needs to step back and think.
Why have I failed?
Was it me, or circumstances beyond my control?
What can I change?
Can I find the courage to try again?
If you live to learn, then you will really learn to live.
Dear God,
Thank you for opening my eyes to what I have been blind to all these while.
Help me to continually learn, so that I can grow in Your Service
Ameen.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
The Most Beautiful Flower
The park bench was deserted as I sat down to read
Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree.
Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,
For the world was intent on dragging me down.
And if that weren't enough to ruin my day,
A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play.
He stood right before me with his head tilted down
And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!"
In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight,
With its petals all worn -- not enough rain, or too little light.
Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play,
I faked a small smile and then shifted away.
But instead of retreating he sat next to my side
And placed the flower to his nose and declared with overacted surprise,
"It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too.
That's why I picked it; here, it's for you."
The weed before me was dying or dead.
Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or red.
But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave.
So I reached for the flower, and replied, "Just what I need."
But instead of him placing the flower in my hand,
He held it midair without reason or plan.
It was then that I noticed for the very first time
That weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.
I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun
As I thanked him for picking the very best one.
"You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play,
Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day.
I sat there and wondered how he managed to see
A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree.
How did he know of my self-indulged plight?
Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see
The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself had been blind,
I vowed to see the beauty in life, and appreciate every second that's mine.
And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose
And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose
And smiled as I watched that young boy,
Another weed in his hand,
About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.
- by C.L. Costello-Forshey
Today, I taught this poem in class.
And realised how appropriate this poem is for me.
There are some lines that stuck me to the core.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see
The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself had been blind,
Had I been 'asleep' all this while? Had I been so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget that there are indeed many other things that I should really be thankful for.
I need to listen...and not just hear what is said.
I need to speak, and not just talk.
I need to step back...and not whine or complain.
A rose...by an other name, is still smell as sweet.
Dee...stop and smell the roses.
and dear little special child...thank you for opening my eyes to my blind spots.
One day...you will thaw me out.
Beneath the long, straggly branches of an old willow tree.
Disillusioned by life with good reason to frown,
For the world was intent on dragging me down.
And if that weren't enough to ruin my day,
A young boy out of breath approached me, all tired from play.
He stood right before me with his head tilted down
And said with great excitement, "Look what I found!"
In his hand was a flower, and what a pitiful sight,
With its petals all worn -- not enough rain, or too little light.
Wanting him to take his dead flower and go off to play,
I faked a small smile and then shifted away.
But instead of retreating he sat next to my side
And placed the flower to his nose and declared with overacted surprise,
"It sure smells pretty and it's beautiful, too.
That's why I picked it; here, it's for you."
The weed before me was dying or dead.
Not vibrant of colors, orange, yellow or red.
But I knew I must take it, or he might never leave.
So I reached for the flower, and replied, "Just what I need."
But instead of him placing the flower in my hand,
He held it midair without reason or plan.
It was then that I noticed for the very first time
That weed-toting boy could not see: he was blind.
I heard my voice quiver, tears shone like the sun
As I thanked him for picking the very best one.
"You're welcome," he smiled, and then ran off to play,
Unaware of the impact he'd had on my day.
I sat there and wondered how he managed to see
A self-pitying woman beneath an old willow tree.
How did he know of my self-indulged plight?
Perhaps from his heart, he'd been blessed with true sight.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see
The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself had been blind,
I vowed to see the beauty in life, and appreciate every second that's mine.
And then I held that wilted flower up to my nose
And breathed in the fragrance of a beautiful rose
And smiled as I watched that young boy,
Another weed in his hand,
About to change the life of an unsuspecting old man.
- by C.L. Costello-Forshey
Today, I taught this poem in class.
And realised how appropriate this poem is for me.
There are some lines that stuck me to the core.
Through the eyes of a blind child, at last I could see
The problem was not with the world; the problem was me.
And for all of those times I myself had been blind,
Had I been 'asleep' all this while? Had I been so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget that there are indeed many other things that I should really be thankful for.
I need to listen...and not just hear what is said.
I need to speak, and not just talk.
I need to step back...and not whine or complain.
A rose...by an other name, is still smell as sweet.
Dee...stop and smell the roses.
and dear little special child...thank you for opening my eyes to my blind spots.
Another special child
When I learn to sense the vibes or auras that come from troubled soul; my whole being responds.
I am beginning to see who this child is...and I feel the pain.
But I question...am I ready?
With each special child, there is a new challenge to take on.
With the new individual, I know that again, and again...I will be tested.
I will have to encase my heart in steel...and yet, the armour will be easily broken.
I know I should not question.
God works in mysterious ways...
But please God, I am already worried about my own.
Perhaps this is Your way...
Dear special child,
I will take it slow and easy...for I am not ready for you yet.
But if it is meant to be...I will take you as my own...and do what I am supposed to do.
To all my other kids out there,
Someone is hurting very badly...I know.
Do take good care of yourselves.
I miss most of you...one way or another.
I will try...to accept this new one...and bring to the fold.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sensory Defensive
I wrote in one of my earlier entries that a possible cause of my claustrophobia is that I 'suffer' from an affliction called sensory defensiveness. Because the mind and body work together to operate the 'me' being, when one is out of alignment, everything else goes haywire itself.
We all know that instinctively, we respond to the 'fight, flight or freeze' responses when faced with certain circumstances. Our stress response is designed to help us survive an immediate threat. But I suppose that when one is hyper-sensitive, the body keeps on releasing stress hormones all the time...and with that, the body, mind and soul get worn down very easily.
When I was younger, I was very much a 'gabra' person...easily excited and excitable.
Years of 'training' ...of how one has to behave in public especially has taught me to keep my emotions under control...in public. That is why it sometimes look as though I am calm (haha), collected (hehe) and operate on an ultra-zen mode.(kekekeke). But of course, all that pent-up stress need an outlet somewhere.
So anyway...here I am...nervy, edgy, jumpy.
It makes me mentally tired...and this chronic fatigue is literally exhausting.
So guess what?....time to find comfort food...with lots of chocs and B&Js.
Bad...real bad....
But like I said...I will fight.
Step one....breathe....breathe...breathe....
Write...write...write...(whine, whine, whine)
I feel so random today.
But glad that the mind seems to be working.
Things to do today.
1) clean my table (ok...partially)
2) tell someone...I love them.
So you...I do love and care about you.
That's a good start.
Dear God,
Today has been good.
Thank you.
Ameen
We all know that instinctively, we respond to the 'fight, flight or freeze' responses when faced with certain circumstances. Our stress response is designed to help us survive an immediate threat. But I suppose that when one is hyper-sensitive, the body keeps on releasing stress hormones all the time...and with that, the body, mind and soul get worn down very easily.
When I was younger, I was very much a 'gabra' person...easily excited and excitable.
Years of 'training' ...of how one has to behave in public especially has taught me to keep my emotions under control...in public. That is why it sometimes look as though I am calm (haha), collected (hehe) and operate on an ultra-zen mode.(kekekeke). But of course, all that pent-up stress need an outlet somewhere.
So anyway...here I am...nervy, edgy, jumpy.
It makes me mentally tired...and this chronic fatigue is literally exhausting.
So guess what?....time to find comfort food...with lots of chocs and B&Js.
Bad...real bad....
But like I said...I will fight.
Step one....breathe....breathe...breathe....
Write...write...write...(whine, whine, whine)
I feel so random today.
But glad that the mind seems to be working.
Things to do today.
1) clean my table (ok...partially)
2) tell someone...I love them.
So you...I do love and care about you.
That's a good start.
Dear God,
Today has been good.
Thank you.
Ameen
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Big Puzzle
Enough of self-pity.
I will claw back up...one step at a time.
Lets begin with something more positive today.
Each December, I make it a point to complete a puzzle. I have been doing so for many years.
You see, when I was younger, I was rather hot-tempered and impulsive (haha...still am)
I needed something to keep me focus and build patience.
It forced me to sit still and concentrate.
So I started putting together jigsaw puzzles, 500...right up to 1000 pieces.
Last year, I started on 2...
I got a bit more ambitious, and decided on a 2000 piece.
Unfortunately, unlike most of the puzzles that I have done, this time round, I got two things working against me.
Firstly, I am getting older, and thus...I really need good strong sunlight to make out the distinctions between the subtle colour changes.
Secondly, this is one puzzle that I am not able to start from the corners. You see, they all come in one standard colour - brown.
But as I sat through the past weeks, bent over in concentration, I realise that the concentration, while frustrating at times, has been helpful.
You literally have to keep the big picture in mind...before you can figure out where the small pieces fit.
Secondly, you really need not sweat over the little things...somehow, once you have made the connection, things will fall into place.
I know that there is a bigger picture that I need to see in all that has been happening to me.
Thank you, God, for making me realise what I have been missing, and what I need to do.
I feel better...still challenged...but calmer.
In you I trust.
Ameen.
I will claw back up...one step at a time.
Lets begin with something more positive today.
Each December, I make it a point to complete a puzzle. I have been doing so for many years.
You see, when I was younger, I was rather hot-tempered and impulsive (haha...still am)
I needed something to keep me focus and build patience.
It forced me to sit still and concentrate.
So I started putting together jigsaw puzzles, 500...right up to 1000 pieces.
Last year, I started on 2...
I got a bit more ambitious, and decided on a 2000 piece.
Unfortunately, unlike most of the puzzles that I have done, this time round, I got two things working against me.
Firstly, I am getting older, and thus...I really need good strong sunlight to make out the distinctions between the subtle colour changes.
Secondly, this is one puzzle that I am not able to start from the corners. You see, they all come in one standard colour - brown.
But as I sat through the past weeks, bent over in concentration, I realise that the concentration, while frustrating at times, has been helpful.
You literally have to keep the big picture in mind...before you can figure out where the small pieces fit.
Secondly, you really need not sweat over the little things...somehow, once you have made the connection, things will fall into place.
I know that there is a bigger picture that I need to see in all that has been happening to me.
Thank you, God, for making me realise what I have been missing, and what I need to do.
I feel better...still challenged...but calmer.
In you I trust.
Ameen.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Thresholds...
I am already beginning to see how 2010 is unfolding itself to be a challenging year.
But I take it as a reminder...of my own limitations, of what I think I can achieve, and of course, of His Greatness and Will.
The Power of Prayers
those are the things that help me through each day.
That He will not forsake me...and He will keep on testing me as he sees necessary.
I will not say that my life has turned upside down. It's that many changes have taken place.
And with each test, I cross into another threshold which I never thought possible.
Today I want to talk about pain.
I thought my carpal tunnel problem was under control. All that I managed to put aside for I really needed to be strong for my girl. She is far more important. Her recovery is crucial.
But that evening, when the pain struck, it was so excruciating.
There is no description, like millions of redhot pins pricking my nerve endings relentlessly. Now I understand why they shot horses that break their legs...it's really more humane to be killed than to suffer.
I could not sleep the whole night, and had half a mind to chop off the limbs instead.
I don't know
Medication works now...but I realise...if I go...
what will become of my family?
God....
Help.
Ameen
But I take it as a reminder...of my own limitations, of what I think I can achieve, and of course, of His Greatness and Will.
The Power of Prayers
those are the things that help me through each day.
That He will not forsake me...and He will keep on testing me as he sees necessary.
I will not say that my life has turned upside down. It's that many changes have taken place.
And with each test, I cross into another threshold which I never thought possible.
Today I want to talk about pain.
I thought my carpal tunnel problem was under control. All that I managed to put aside for I really needed to be strong for my girl. She is far more important. Her recovery is crucial.
But that evening, when the pain struck, it was so excruciating.
There is no description, like millions of redhot pins pricking my nerve endings relentlessly. Now I understand why they shot horses that break their legs...it's really more humane to be killed than to suffer.
I could not sleep the whole night, and had half a mind to chop off the limbs instead.
I don't know
Medication works now...but I realise...if I go...
what will become of my family?
God....
Help.
Ameen
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I am...ready.
These past two months have seen many changes taking place.
One of the things I had to do was to re-examine my own goals, and purposes.
It has been one where I had to take stock and think of future directions.
We are all constantly tested in many ways...and I understand mine.
In the past, the challenges were different.
I have been told many, many times that You test us to remind us of Your Greatness and Your Will.
I submit to Your Grace.
I pray...like I have never done before..
for I find this test...the hardest.
Be merciful, dear Lord.
And if there is any way...in any time...
Take me instead...
Ameen.
One of the things I had to do was to re-examine my own goals, and purposes.
It has been one where I had to take stock and think of future directions.
We are all constantly tested in many ways...and I understand mine.
In the past, the challenges were different.
I have been told many, many times that You test us to remind us of Your Greatness and Your Will.
I submit to Your Grace.
I pray...like I have never done before..
for I find this test...the hardest.
Be merciful, dear Lord.
And if there is any way...in any time...
Take me instead...
Ameen.
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