Just random

My mind is beginning to rust, and the cobwebs are gathering around my brain.
I need to write...anything...something...after the 'harrowing' experience today.

If I teach language, why do I not understand what was spoken?
Hahaha...evolution...
Widgets, tweets, pb,...and other fangled thingies...
I belong in another era...and if I do not learn to adapt, then I will definitely lose my place.

I supposed that is how ol' Willie Shakespeare might have felt when he reads my kind of english.
Sigh...

Motherhood statements...

I think I have grown older this week; simply by the random events that has taken place. And since I believe that God has made it such that all things happen for a reason (which may be beyond my comprehension), the only way to make sense is to tie all the loose ends together.

I will begin with Iffah first.
True, she gave me a scare...but do you realise the fear I feel if I were to lose my daughter?
It has been one shaky rickety journey even since her diagnosis.
Yes, she has psychosis...and the first question the doctors ask is "Does this run in the family?"
God, do they know what they are implying when they say that?
No, there is no family history of this...
II thought I am a lousy mother...to possibly have passed a defective gene that my child has to carry like an albatross on her shoulder...

Are the voices in my head when I speak to myself the same as the voices she has been hearing?
And what about the silent accusing eyes...which seem to think that I have driven my child to such a state..."You must have been pressurising her...or neglecting her....you don't give her enough love!"
Never have I felt so low...and the insecurities of my ineffectiveness as a parent have been surfaced. What kind of mother am I...putting others before my own child.

Never question a mother's love for her child.
The heartbreaking moments....when I had to tell Iffah that I would not let her go for her trip, and seeing the torrents of tears.
The joyous moments...of Zafran's success, and of Akmal's progress towards his goals.

Then there are those I call as my own...my growing brood of special kids...
One, who made me proud, when publicly medalled as a hero for saving a life.
One, who became my pillar of support through my troubled times with many little gestures of care and concern,
One, who told me happy stories of how he was moving along.
One, whose thoughtfulness and empathy find a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week.

But it has been a turmultuous week too for a few...
To S...patience is the key...stay strong You will prove your parents wrong
To K..I'll pray so that the pain will go away.
and to AB...don't lose heart yet...and don't fall back into the cycle.

Dear God,
Forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Let my actions always be governed by love and understanding
I may not be the best or prefect mother, but I love them all so.
Bless and protect all my children so that they are always in YOUR loving care,
Ameen

The Night

I had spend almost 3 days at the hospital...namely one that is specially for children.
And last evening, I slept (kept awake) through....

...listening to your gentle breathing,
...waiting as anxiously as you for the clear sign
...just as disappointed when you had to stay on.

Outside,
a hive of activties abuzz
the tiny cries of wee ones in pain piercing through
frantic mothers hushing
the machines quiet hums creating the white noise behind.

God knows...
the tired, sad children who longs for home
and not the cold sterile comfort of the green bed.
The gentle heroes go about their daily rountines
with cheery hellos of "are you feeling better"

Over at the other ward
eerie silence of young souls
prisoned to their beds
shaved heads
battling the invasion of  manevolent armies within.
the caregivers...having to stay strong
slumped over in private tears
once night descents.

I know you want to go home
I want to...
God, be merciful....
God, the provider
Bless the little children who are ill.

The Last Lecture

I have not written lately because....
just because.
Hopefully , this entry will make more sense.

I stumbled upon Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" and have been mulling over its contents ever since.  He was a university professor who died about two years ago, but not before he left such a strong legacy over his students, and most of all...his 3 young children. I read the book...and teared over it...Now if only I can find the 'courage' to watch the much circulated clip on youtube...I guess I will weep buckets.

Of all the things that was said, the most lasting impression has been created by this simple yet profound statement. (much like Low Guat Tin's deathbed legacy question years ago)
"If you have one last chance to share your knowledge with the world, what would you say, and what would your legacy be?"

Do we leave our footprints in the sand...or cast it in stone?

Last week, I thought I had achieved a milestone in my life...after I got that small token of recognition of being in the service for 20 years. Hah! How that had fed my 'ego'...What gave me the right to even think that I had a hand in moulding the lives of some of my students?  Why had I not seen the equation the other way around...that without them, I am nothing.

What would I leave behind?
,,,,probably dust ...

Happy Birthday,my darling daughter

Iffah turned 15 yesterday.
And as I watched her over family dinner last evening, I think of the many episodes that have marked her life.
She is my one and only girl; I love her dearly.

Iffah has grown...15 years suddenly seem so short.  Where did the time go?
This was my baby who decided that she would make life a little more exciting for mummy.
She was 'an owl'...who slept during the day, and wanted attention and play after 12pm.

From young, she already had a mine of her own.
She was then seeming reticent and stoic...refusing to speak to any stranger other than family.
If we took her out, she would rather keep a stony silence rather than warm up to attempts to thaw her out.
And if she insisted in doing something she had set her mind to do, nothing will make her change her ways. .. and that included weeks on end wearing "Power Rangers" T-shirt and shorts, and once, a whole day in a swimming costume!

Haha...back then I vision of dressing up my little princess in cute frilly girly things when up in smoke.  She hated dresses and accessories, and I rued (haha) the times when I had to give away expensive unworn gowns to other people because she refused to wear them.  Forget Barbie...she used to dislike the dolls and so again, we made sure that no one gave them to her.

But there has been frightening little episodes that made me realise that she will truly be my special child.
... the fever fits and the stay in hospital when she was a baby
... the encounter when she accidentally locked herself in the car, and we had to smash the windcreen to get her out.
... the years of having to patch her eyes because of genetic disorder
... the cases of 'bullying' by rowdy and insensitive classmates
... the broken arm
and now....a new challenge....which I think she will learn to overcome in time.

Be proud of who you are Iffah sayang....
Mama loves you...Zarifah...my girl...
Always give your best in whatever you do.
Keep up always being good and compassionate.
May Allah keep you strong, healthy and wise.

I love you.

It feels good...

Over the past few days, in order to complete a school project, I have been in touch with a number of my ex-students; some of whom went way back with me when I was a new beginning teacher.  In those days, I really underwent a sharp learning curve, for each new day, I learnt something new and valuable.

I made mistakes, I fell; I did a few things I was not proud of.
There were many days when I felt like giving up.
But it was the kids who kept me going., and that despite the challenges, I was learning from them as much (I hope) they were learning from me.

I entered the teaching service in 1989...so it has more than 20 years that I have been teaching.
Wow...where did all that time go?
The kids I used to teach have been able to come back to me and proclaim, "Cher...you used to teach me...now you are teaching my child!" ...I have become ancient!
If I am to retire at 65, good grief! I need to keep on going for another 21 years at least...just like now.
Can I make it that long?

I don't know about that, but as long as I keep on hearing the good news the kids have to offer now and then, I think there is enough fuel to sustain the interest and passion.  I felt a little sad when some of them said, "Cher..I do not think what I have done is something worth 'shouting' about.

But they are forget...
'Greatness' is something hard to define...
But if the self continues to believe and keeps up the drive to be the best that you can be,
you are already great in someone's eyes.

And so, to my kids out there,...you are great.
You have all come a long way.
And thank you...for giving me hope, and the courage to go on....

Belief

This is not original.  This was sent to me by a friend.
I want to write something similiar, but I supposed the version here (writer unknown) captures the essence of what I feel too. I have added a few lines of my own here and there.

I Believe (Anonymous)


I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
Or that...perhaps, we are the ones who need to change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
And I as a friend, must be true to them.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
It is not how much you love, but how you love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
A moment of impulse should not lead to a lifetime of regrets.

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
But if I am patient and peservering
I will be who I truly am and do great things.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
Never end the day angry or upset with those who mean much to you.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
Never say die...and keep pushing yourself.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
We have the freedom to choose...the best of what life can offer.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
And that attitude in the long run, outperforms your aptitude.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs
to be done, regardless of the consequences.
And there is a hero in each of us.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
And not to be misled that those whom you think will rally around you
are the ones who will always be there.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel,
Nor the right to indulgence in vengence.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
That if you learn from the lessons of life, you are a much better person.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself..
by simply being your own best friend.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
Learn to bounce back...
Move on...move on.

I Believe....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
Embrace diversity and accept differences.

I Believe....
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
So never make judgements until you know others well.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.
And if you reach up for God too,
He will be your guide.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
That money cannot buy decency and good manners
or imbibe integrity in a person.

I Believe
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have

 I just need ....to believe.