I wonder if I should even be writing this entry...whether it is worth it to think about this, when the person that I am directing this to is so dead fixed in mindset, that I might as well be crashing my head against a brick wall (which probably would be less painful)
Anyway, I shall say what I think I need to say.
Negativitism kills...
Not physically....but mentally, emotionally, spiritually...you feel like a huge Dementor is sucking the life out of you.
This person loves to be negative...I just don't know why...and the worst thing is, it is directed to the self, and of course the people who are supposedly the 'closest'. Life has been a series of unfortunate events...one after another, all setting the individual for downfalls after downfalls.
It has been hard trying to change a person's perception...especially if it is deeply entrenched with bitterness, regrets, and hate. The sad thing is...any attempts to help is rebuffed.
I wish you well.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Self-awareness
Yesterday, I had to do a difficult thing.
I did not clear a contract teacher, who is currently on attachment in school, to move on to NIE for the next semester.
I have never done that before.
All these while, I think I have tried to look for the strengths in people, and perhaps, believed that somehow, the flaws can be overlooked. Teaching is definitely not a matter of simply delivering content knowledge. It involves relationships with people...and if you are detached and impersonal, how then would you be able to reach out to others?
I am indeed a dinosaur, holding on to that romantic notion that teaching is a noble profession. Teaching is more of a 'calling', you are definitely not going to be in it for the money. Yes, it can be a stable job, but hah, you have to put your soul into it...and sometimes, it feels you lose a lot of yourself along the way.
What is happening to the teaching profession lately?
Gen Y & Z...the group of young restless people, who put their needs first before others.
This is the new set of values...for things like loyalty, hard work, compassion and altruism go right to the bottom of the list...
This young individual...claims to want to teach.
But...she does not like people very much, preferring to keep to herself.
Then the question is how is she going to relate to her charges and their parents?
And the worst thing is, I cannot get through the facade...how can you come across as if you don't care?
Educating young people have often meant going down to a level which you sometimes never expect to stoop, or doing things that you would not dream of doing.
When asked for a reason: - "I do not trust people"
Then is the job choice a right one?
I don't know...this is a job which you sometimes have to feel as though you are a sitting duck for many unexpected things.
You get hurt, angry, upset, insulted...but you will learn to laugh, and grow, especially with the children.
I hope she understands why I am being cruel to be kind.
She is not ready, and needs to find herself first.
But that also leaves me with a big question for self-reflection
What happens when I lose my own heart for teaching?
Leave Dee....leave.
I did not clear a contract teacher, who is currently on attachment in school, to move on to NIE for the next semester.
I have never done that before.
All these while, I think I have tried to look for the strengths in people, and perhaps, believed that somehow, the flaws can be overlooked. Teaching is definitely not a matter of simply delivering content knowledge. It involves relationships with people...and if you are detached and impersonal, how then would you be able to reach out to others?
I am indeed a dinosaur, holding on to that romantic notion that teaching is a noble profession. Teaching is more of a 'calling', you are definitely not going to be in it for the money. Yes, it can be a stable job, but hah, you have to put your soul into it...and sometimes, it feels you lose a lot of yourself along the way.
What is happening to the teaching profession lately?
Gen Y & Z...the group of young restless people, who put their needs first before others.
This is the new set of values...for things like loyalty, hard work, compassion and altruism go right to the bottom of the list...
This young individual...claims to want to teach.
But...she does not like people very much, preferring to keep to herself.
Then the question is how is she going to relate to her charges and their parents?
And the worst thing is, I cannot get through the facade...how can you come across as if you don't care?
Educating young people have often meant going down to a level which you sometimes never expect to stoop, or doing things that you would not dream of doing.
When asked for a reason: - "I do not trust people"
Then is the job choice a right one?
I don't know...this is a job which you sometimes have to feel as though you are a sitting duck for many unexpected things.
You get hurt, angry, upset, insulted...but you will learn to laugh, and grow, especially with the children.
I hope she understands why I am being cruel to be kind.
She is not ready, and needs to find herself first.
But that also leaves me with a big question for self-reflection
What happens when I lose my own heart for teaching?
Leave Dee....leave.
Friday, May 7, 2010
When Titans clash...
I am sooooo mad right now.
Mad at myself, and two other people who think they are my friends.
I am furious at how one seemingly innocent thing has sparked a war, and in the end, I end up being the stupid one caught in between.
No...this time, I refused to say that it is my fault.
How can it be?
All it started out with was that statement on facebook....about my obsession with B&J....and how eating ice-cream helps me out with my marking.
Then it started...people added comments.
Not so much about me and B&Js...(which I can definitely take)...
but something about marking and going to 'war'.
Yup...a full scale war of words did escalate between 2 people....2 hot-headed and opinionated people.
It's either damned I do, damned I don't case.
Both are my friends...and they don't know each other....
But how dare they want me to take sides?
I am fuming because I am a coward.
Instead of telling both them off...I took the easy way out.
Easy, my foot.
Why do I have to suspend my FB accounts because of them?
Dee, you are too too too soft.
All you have to do was to give them a piece of your mind.
But as educators, they forget.
Their accounts are tied to their students...and the whole world can read the comments.
If teachers engage in verbal slanging...then what are we teaching the students?
That we cannot give and take...that arguments have to be aired in public...with name callings and all?
No...
that is the rationale that I am going by.
Sometimes, one wins by saying nothing.
People will see me as a coward, but I maintain my dignity.
What's the point of standing up for your rights..if in the process, you create a lot of unhappiness for other people.
"Hold your head high, and keep those fists down"....
I have chosen...to lose.
Mad at myself, and two other people who think they are my friends.
I am furious at how one seemingly innocent thing has sparked a war, and in the end, I end up being the stupid one caught in between.
No...this time, I refused to say that it is my fault.
How can it be?
All it started out with was that statement on facebook....about my obsession with B&J....and how eating ice-cream helps me out with my marking.
Then it started...people added comments.
Not so much about me and B&Js...(which I can definitely take)...
but something about marking and going to 'war'.
Yup...a full scale war of words did escalate between 2 people....2 hot-headed and opinionated people.
It's either damned I do, damned I don't case.
Both are my friends...and they don't know each other....
But how dare they want me to take sides?
I am fuming because I am a coward.
Instead of telling both them off...I took the easy way out.
Easy, my foot.
Why do I have to suspend my FB accounts because of them?
Dee, you are too too too soft.
All you have to do was to give them a piece of your mind.
But as educators, they forget.
Their accounts are tied to their students...and the whole world can read the comments.
If teachers engage in verbal slanging...then what are we teaching the students?
That we cannot give and take...that arguments have to be aired in public...with name callings and all?
No...
that is the rationale that I am going by.
Sometimes, one wins by saying nothing.
People will see me as a coward, but I maintain my dignity.
What's the point of standing up for your rights..if in the process, you create a lot of unhappiness for other people.
"Hold your head high, and keep those fists down"....
I have chosen...to lose.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Just random
My mind is beginning to rust, and the cobwebs are gathering around my brain.
I need to write...anything...something...after the 'harrowing' experience today.
If I teach language, why do I not understand what was spoken?
Hahaha...evolution...
Widgets, tweets, pb,...and other fangled thingies...
I belong in another era...and if I do not learn to adapt, then I will definitely lose my place.
I supposed that is how ol' Willie Shakespeare might have felt when he reads my kind of english.
Sigh...
I need to write...anything...something...after the 'harrowing' experience today.
If I teach language, why do I not understand what was spoken?
Hahaha...evolution...
Widgets, tweets, pb,...and other fangled thingies...
I belong in another era...and if I do not learn to adapt, then I will definitely lose my place.
I supposed that is how ol' Willie Shakespeare might have felt when he reads my kind of english.
Sigh...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Motherhood statements...
I think I have grown older this week; simply by the random events that has taken place. And since I believe that God has made it such that all things happen for a reason (which may be beyond my comprehension), the only way to make sense is to tie all the loose ends together.
I will begin with Iffah first.
True, she gave me a scare...but do you realise the fear I feel if I were to lose my daughter?
It has been one shaky rickety journey even since her diagnosis.
Yes, she has psychosis...and the first question the doctors ask is "Does this run in the family?"
God, do they know what they are implying when they say that?
No, there is no family history of this...
II thought I am a lousy mother...to possibly have passed a defective gene that my child has to carry like an albatross on her shoulder...
Are the voices in my head when I speak to myself the same as the voices she has been hearing?
And what about the silent accusing eyes...which seem to think that I have driven my child to such a state..."You must have been pressurising her...or neglecting her....you don't give her enough love!"
Never have I felt so low...and the insecurities of my ineffectiveness as a parent have been surfaced. What kind of mother am I...putting others before my own child.
Never question a mother's love for her child.
The heartbreaking moments....when I had to tell Iffah that I would not let her go for her trip, and seeing the torrents of tears.
The joyous moments...of Zafran's success, and of Akmal's progress towards his goals.
Then there are those I call as my own...my growing brood of special kids...
One, who made me proud, when publicly medalled as a hero for saving a life.
One, who became my pillar of support through my troubled times with many little gestures of care and concern,
One, who told me happy stories of how he was moving along.
One, whose thoughtfulness and empathy find a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week.
But it has been a turmultuous week too for a few...
To S...patience is the key...stay strong You will prove your parents wrong
To K..I'll pray so that the pain will go away.
and to AB...don't lose heart yet...and don't fall back into the cycle.
Dear God,
Forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Let my actions always be governed by love and understanding
I may not be the best or prefect mother, but I love them all so.
Bless and protect all my children so that they are always in YOUR loving care,
Ameen
I will begin with Iffah first.
True, she gave me a scare...but do you realise the fear I feel if I were to lose my daughter?
It has been one shaky rickety journey even since her diagnosis.
Yes, she has psychosis...and the first question the doctors ask is "Does this run in the family?"
God, do they know what they are implying when they say that?
No, there is no family history of this...
II thought I am a lousy mother...to possibly have passed a defective gene that my child has to carry like an albatross on her shoulder...
Are the voices in my head when I speak to myself the same as the voices she has been hearing?
And what about the silent accusing eyes...which seem to think that I have driven my child to such a state..."You must have been pressurising her...or neglecting her....you don't give her enough love!"
Never have I felt so low...and the insecurities of my ineffectiveness as a parent have been surfaced. What kind of mother am I...putting others before my own child.
Never question a mother's love for her child.
The heartbreaking moments....when I had to tell Iffah that I would not let her go for her trip, and seeing the torrents of tears.
The joyous moments...of Zafran's success, and of Akmal's progress towards his goals.
Then there are those I call as my own...my growing brood of special kids...
One, who made me proud, when publicly medalled as a hero for saving a life.
One, who became my pillar of support through my troubled times with many little gestures of care and concern,
One, who told me happy stories of how he was moving along.
One, whose thoughtfulness and empathy find a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week.
But it has been a turmultuous week too for a few...
To S...patience is the key...stay strong You will prove your parents wrong
To K..I'll pray so that the pain will go away.
and to AB...don't lose heart yet...and don't fall back into the cycle.
Dear God,
Forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Let my actions always be governed by love and understanding
I may not be the best or prefect mother, but I love them all so.
Bless and protect all my children so that they are always in YOUR loving care,
Ameen
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Night
I had spend almost 3 days at the hospital...namely one that is specially for children.
And last evening, I slept (kept awake) through....
...listening to your gentle breathing,
...waiting as anxiously as you for the clear sign
...just as disappointed when you had to stay on.
Outside,
a hive of activties abuzz
the tiny cries of wee ones in pain piercing through
frantic mothers hushing
the machines quiet hums creating the white noise behind.
God knows...
the tired, sad children who longs for home
and not the cold sterile comfort of the green bed.
The gentle heroes go about their daily rountines
with cheery hellos of "are you feeling better"
Over at the other ward
eerie silence of young souls
prisoned to their beds
shaved heads
battling the invasion of manevolent armies within.
the caregivers...having to stay strong
slumped over in private tears
once night descents.
I know you want to go home
I want to...
God, be merciful....
God, the provider
Bless the little children who are ill.
And last evening, I slept (kept awake) through....
...listening to your gentle breathing,
...waiting as anxiously as you for the clear sign
...just as disappointed when you had to stay on.
Outside,
a hive of activties abuzz
the tiny cries of wee ones in pain piercing through
frantic mothers hushing
the machines quiet hums creating the white noise behind.
God knows...
the tired, sad children who longs for home
and not the cold sterile comfort of the green bed.
The gentle heroes go about their daily rountines
with cheery hellos of "are you feeling better"
Over at the other ward
eerie silence of young souls
prisoned to their beds
shaved heads
battling the invasion of manevolent armies within.
the caregivers...having to stay strong
slumped over in private tears
once night descents.
I know you want to go home
I want to...
God, be merciful....
God, the provider
Bless the little children who are ill.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Last Lecture
I have not written lately because....
just because.
Hopefully , this entry will make more sense.
I stumbled upon Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" and have been mulling over its contents ever since. He was a university professor who died about two years ago, but not before he left such a strong legacy over his students, and most of all...his 3 young children. I read the book...and teared over it...Now if only I can find the 'courage' to watch the much circulated clip on youtube...I guess I will weep buckets.
Of all the things that was said, the most lasting impression has been created by this simple yet profound statement. (much like Low Guat Tin's deathbed legacy question years ago)
"If you have one last chance to share your knowledge with the world, what would you say, and what would your legacy be?"
Do we leave our footprints in the sand...or cast it in stone?
Last week, I thought I had achieved a milestone in my life...after I got that small token of recognition of being in the service for 20 years. Hah! How that had fed my 'ego'...What gave me the right to even think that I had a hand in moulding the lives of some of my students? Why had I not seen the equation the other way around...that without them, I am nothing.
What would I leave behind?
,,,,probably dust ...
just because.
Hopefully , this entry will make more sense.
I stumbled upon Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" and have been mulling over its contents ever since. He was a university professor who died about two years ago, but not before he left such a strong legacy over his students, and most of all...his 3 young children. I read the book...and teared over it...Now if only I can find the 'courage' to watch the much circulated clip on youtube...I guess I will weep buckets.
Of all the things that was said, the most lasting impression has been created by this simple yet profound statement. (much like Low Guat Tin's deathbed legacy question years ago)
"If you have one last chance to share your knowledge with the world, what would you say, and what would your legacy be?"
Do we leave our footprints in the sand...or cast it in stone?
Last week, I thought I had achieved a milestone in my life...after I got that small token of recognition of being in the service for 20 years. Hah! How that had fed my 'ego'...What gave me the right to even think that I had a hand in moulding the lives of some of my students? Why had I not seen the equation the other way around...that without them, I am nothing.
What would I leave behind?
,,,,probably dust ...
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