Lessons from" The Road Less Travelled" (life's lessons)

I need a little 'food for the soul". So Kit told me to re-read "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck.
It's a classic...with a good dose of common sense and deep reflections.
Maybe this is the emotional and mental sustenance I need right now.

The first chapter starts like this:
"Life is difficult"
Often we moan and groan about this. We whine, we grumble...and make ourselves the victim of everything else except for our own selves.

I guess it would be so much easier to accept that it may be a fact that life is difficult.
There are no free passes
Nothing comes easy; nothing is for free.
Challenges and obstacles will stand in my way, at some point or another.

So here is the challenge.
Do I continue to adopt a victim, self-pitying mentality?
Or do I grit my teeth, and tell myself...
"Face it...Only I can help myself"...

ah....there are days...and there are days...
Right now...it's getting myself to believe...in myself again.
When life gives you lemons...
Learn to enjoy the tang!


Dear God
Give me strength.
Amin.

Lessons from the past

Today, I had to take stock of my own actions again.
Each year, the release of the exam results will be a day when I go on a wild emotional roller-coaster ride.
Each time, I feel the need to hang on tightly to my sanity as I stand up and be counted.

The hardest part of the job I do is standing up and admitting my accountability for the overall results.  This is something that you cannot run away from.  No matter how much one tries to find excuses, or push the blame, or dig up reasons, the fact is that someone got to be the one responsible.

It's not a blame game.
It's taking stock of how much I am liable for the events that have  unfolded.
I need to remember that while collectively, the impression of the results is not too bad; to some of my kids, each grade matters.

It's not a time for regrets.
It is so much easier to say "if only..." or "I should have.."
It's a time to decide how best to move on forward.

I may or may not have done my best.
I will learn to improve, and work on areas of concern.

Stand up....and be counted.
I do hope however, that by stepping back, I am doing the right thing.

Lessons that I have learnt...
I am not good enough...
Let someone else help them.

Taking Stock

School has ended....technically.
Term ended almost a month back, and I wonder why I don't seem to have much things done.

Let's take stock.
Maybe not...for there seems to be more things left undone rather than done.
The easiest excuse would be just to say that "really...there's so much work"...but I feel that partly the fault lies in the procrastination of a lot of things.

It really has been an eventful November.
To those who know...a time of great shock and disappointment.
It was also a time of hellos and many goodbyes.

The batch of 2010 have graduated.
I think it was a simple, but meaning night..."Sparkles and Jewels".  It marked the last time I would be organising this event. It's part relief...someone else will take over, and maybe breath some life into it.  It's tough when the thing is supposed to be self-funding.  But I will miss doing it for the kids ( I wonder if they appreciate this though)

I said goodbye to a few colleagues and good friends.  Their presence will be sorely missed.  Rab has always been a rock...rarely unflustered, and keeping a clear mind of things. I really enjoyed working with her.  Keng Wee...what can I say? I hope that he takes a good break. 


Why is it that people only appreciate what others have done when they are no longer around?

Me?
I have not been courageous.  I wanted out..but only got perhaps 2 toes out.
I will still do the main job, but to pull out completely is not possible.
Perhaps, one more year. We shall see.

My own children...they have grown.
The little one is on his way to sec school. I am proud of you, Akmal.
The girl...wow...she is facing a major exam next year.
And the eldest...NS soon.
It's like a new chapter in my life.

Dear God,
Thank you for all your blessings.
Thank you for looking out for my family and loved ones
Thank you for showing me the way.
I still need guidance and your Nur.
Do not forsake me.
Ameen.

Audi partem alteram

I am here to give my views...not to argue; nor to debate.
Also, I know that the logic,ethos and pathos I use; are derived from instinct and not from purposeful thinking.
I see to understand, not to condemn, not to change, not to put values on opinions that are different from my own.

Dear child,
I must say that 'this' was the clearest 'voice' I heard in that has been writing.  Paradoxically, you said that you are getting 'confounded by...rationalising'.  Your 'scattered thoughts' have said a far lot more about your situation.

I guess that it must be really hard to be you. That is why you use the word 'hate' - one of the strongest forms of negative emotions.  It is not a word that I would normally use because of the connotations - but you are one who do not mince your words.  You are fully aware of your own self-expectations, and if these are not met - the idea of a letdown ; to others, and to the self, becomes pretty intense.

No one seems to fully grasp the nature of your feelings...no one ever will really. Unless they are you, no one can comprehend the complexities of the fear, frustration and anger (if I may label them as these).  Your tone and demeanour are interpreted as 'arrogance and callousness'...for very often, people cannot accept that when one is blessed with good brains like yours, one should be happy with the good results one gets...and not 'hate the capacity to overtake others without doing the proportional amount of work'.  Unfortunately, that is the reality of life. It will never be fair or equal....really, I cannot imagine how much you can fly if you truly overcome your own shortcomings of 'complacency'.

You are clear-headed; and your sharp mind is probably your most crucial asset. But this too is like a double-edged sword...for it hones in on, and harps on your flaw.  You find that it is not right for people to pin hopes on you; or for that matter; you seem to think that even you will let yourself down ultimately.
After all, it all adds up right?...the failure of the past because of complacency, a certain person surpassing you in terms of academic performance, your action of spending a lot of time on the computer; and so on. You know that these are almost dialectic evidences of your 'weakness'.

You are fully aware of your predicament..of how your gift of intellect is also your curse (I know you never said that..so pardon me if I misunderstood this). And you are right..about how easy it is for people around you will be so offended and put off by the things you say, or feel.  Unless they walk in your shoes, it is extremely difficult to empathise the depth of your dilemma.

I am not going to venture into your stand on relationships yet...for I acknowledge, that is really difficult to me to even find a middle ground.  But what I am trying to do, is really to sift through the words and emotions I pick up, and perhaps see how best I can support you from behind.

Perhaps, after your exams, it would indeed be good that you are going in early.  Being in an non-academic environment, and away from people and things which remind you of your internal conflicts may bring about new perspectives and experiences.

We cannot change the past...and we cannot really predict the future.
We live in the present...doing the best of what we can...to make things a little more bearable. Perhaps, you will find your inner peace...of the spirit and mind...there.

In the meantime,...just focus on doing your best.
I will not hold you to your promise...
Just be yourself...just be a little more happy.

We Teach Who We Are - lessons from Parker Palmer

As I was clearing my desk area yesterday, I found a little green book tucked between some of my old files. It is entitled " The Heart of a Teacher" by Parker Palmer. He is well-known among the education fraternity; and his works on issues of education, community and social change are often widely quoted.  This essay that I found is an extract from his book "The Courage to Teach: Exploring the Inner Landscape of a Teacher's Life".

Maybe there is a reason as to why this book suddenly appeared....for the last time I read it was almost four years ago.  I had slipped it into my bag, and since the Sup was late for the interview yesterday, I had a chance to re-read Palmer's work yesterday.  Maybe...maybe it gave me the answer that I was looking for inside.

"Teaching, like any truly human activity, emerges from one's inwardness, for btter or worse.  As I teach, I project the condition of my soul, my subject, and our way of being together.  The entanglements I experience in the classroom are often nor more or less than the convolutions of my inner life...viewed from this angle, teaching holds a mirror to the soul...

...to know good teaching, we need to look into the inner landscapes of a teacher's life... - the intellectual, emotional and spiritual...None can be ignored.

Reduce teaching to intellect and it becomes a cold abstraction;
Reduce it to emotions, and it becomes narcissistic;
Reduce it to spiritual, and it loses its anchor to the world...."

"Good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher."

I think I have lost myself somewhere along the way for the past few years.  In the pragmatic, competitive environment, there is a heavy price that I have paid...that the flames that once burnt bright within, has somehow diminished in intensity...it flickers, wavers...and even came close to being extinguished.

There are days when I do not 'teach as I am'...
It is always easy to blame others, or even circumstances for this...
But what about myself?
Why have I allowed this to happen?
Where is the engagement...and the connection?

That was my reflection for that 20 minutes or so that I was there...to think, and reflect.
I want to find myself again...and,
I hope...that was the message that was sent, and received during the interview yesterday.

The end of this chapter

This is the last day.
As effect of 4.30pm, I will no longer go by a 'certain title'.
It comes with a lot of mixed feelings.

I had anticipated that I would be asked this question:
"Why?"
Mentally I had earlier prepared myself to meet a superior who, through the course of the years, know me through our professional dealings.  But she too, has left...for a new post.  I had to speak to a different person, one who recently rose up to the higher rung.

It would have been easy to simply say that I stepped down for personal reasons.
That has been, and still is, the main factor in my decision.
But I know that I needed to come up with something that will carry more weight, professionally.  One cannot simply cite personal reasons.

The other day, a minister toyed with the idea of raising up the retirement age to 68.
....so from 45 (for some services like the army)...to 55 (old minimum withdrawal age)...to 60...and then the current 62.
But given the current financial situation, and longevity of the average Singaporeans, we are inching up.
Bottom line...you work till you have one foot in the grave?

I have been in the teaching service for 21 years already.
If I get my Maths right,...I need to serve another 24 years.
That...at the moment, is just too mind-boggling!
Can I envision myself doing then, what I am doing right now?
Gosh...it is not something that I think I would have the capacity to do.

Without a doubt, as one ages, priorities change.
I have reached a stage in my life where I think family, religion, happiness, good health overide the need for recognition.
This is the reality of life...
I still know that I need to go on earning a living...I love my profession, and will want to contribute as much as I can.

So now, circumstances has pushed myself in this direction.
As hard as it is to let go, I feel that with God's grace, I am ready.

Dear God,
I thank you for the experience of the last 7 years in that chapter of my life.  It has both its good and bad times, and its share of challenges.  But I have grown from what I have learnt, and my life has been enriched by it.  As I close this page, and move on to another, I seek for Your guidance and blessings still.  Show me the way, and make me serve You in the way I can.
Ameen

Finding Myself

As I made my way along the corridor, I passed by the door.  A booming voice beckoned me.  I braced myself for more work.  Lately, the moment I am summoned, I tend to jump.  That's how paranoid I have become.  Either work, or for a 'gentle remainder' of work not done.

I was told to sit down.
I could not get the image of the Chesire cat, grinning at me.

"Are you still serious about your decision?"

I steeled myself.  That, was a loaded question.
My mind was already worn out by an earlier discussion.  I felt vulnerable.

I forced myself to look ahead.
"Yes."

The shoulders in front of me slumped a little.  It's already past 6.  A little late for a battle of wills; too late to try to pull a fast one.  Mind games...power games...

I needed to get out of there, quick!
Before...my shields fall.
They know that I have an Archilles heel.

"Ok...prepare your portfolios.  But I must say, I don't know what you should have.  You got things ready?"

Hope reigns...
Yes, yes, yes!

Those were the sweetest words I heard.

Dear God,
Alhamdulillah.
A shackle has come off.
There are many more I need to unlock.
With you, I am not alone.
Ameen.