Random Musings

Random Musings
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Someone asked me why I have not been writing much lately. Actually, I do write, but some of the entries have been saved as drafts, and not posted. Some are really too personal to be published and left on line. But I promise this person that I will be a little more regular.

Maybe a little bit of catch up.
God works in mysterious ways, and a few days after I wrote about Subihan (my greatest moment of fear), we crossed paths again.

I was at Vivocity window shopping (as if), when I felt I was being stalked. Someone had followed me from shop to shop! And you know how paranoid I am right?...having to keep looking over my shoulder. I was getting very nervous, and not quite sure what to do.

So I anchored myself outside Page One, and decided to pretend to look at the book display, hoping that I would be able to get a glimpse of whoever was following me from the reflection in the glass window. But there were too many people walking by, and of course, I hated it when I sense people behind me. It makes me only too vulnerable.

"Excuse me. Are you Ms Adibah?"
I nearly jumped out of my skin. The speaker was just behind me. Instinctively, I swung my bag, and hit his hand. I turned around, and saw a tall, young man looking uncertainly at me.


"Ms Adibah?....from Changkat?" he tried again, hesitantly.The voice was gruff, but familar. Mind you, since I am getting more short-sighted, it takes a while to get my eyes focused on the face, to decipher who he was. But when he called me "Miss", I knew he must be one of my earlier 'babies'.

Then suddenly, the waves of memories washed over me. The face...the child has grown into a man.

"Subihan?" I whispered. It was strange. Why were we talking in such hushed tones.

He broke into a wide grin...took my hand, and shook it. It was a rather awkward moment..for it was then that the other 'unpleasant memories' came back too...his illness, his words to me...my own reactions.

"It's good to see you. How are you?" I asked, secretly scanning for signs of his ailment.

It was as if he could read my mind.
"I am fine...so much better...no relapse. I am working now. My parents have split up. I am happier with my mother."

We exchanged news about school and how we have moved on. The small talk was cordial, and he looked genuinely good. There were a lot of unspoken questions, but it was best that the past was not raked up again.

When it was time for me to go, I apologised for not being able to chat with him longer. This time around, he took my hand, and 'salam' , a gesture which I took, as a sign of respect.

"Thank you, Cher...for everything. I never said sorry..I never said thank you" His eyes misted.
I choked for a moment. He remembered....and I remember too...after all this years...this was my special child...someone who affected my life as an educator. He turned out well...that's a real relief...and I am gratified by his words. I feel I have done something right, despite a time when things seemed so wrong. I felt at peace.

I thank God for that chance meeting. Sometimes, as a teacher, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. It is not easy having to look after another person's child, and having to 'raise' and educate that child not only with knowledge, but with skills and values.

At a time, when my doubts are heavy, and when my confidence is low, meeting Subihan again reminds me of what I really want to do...what I find worthwhile doing. The challenges will always be there, and the times when I find myself wanting to bang my head against the wall in frustration, are all 'erased' by the presence of this young man who will always have a special spot in my heart.

The story of the starfish is true.
I will not be able to throw all the starfish back into the ocean.
But when I do, it does make a difference.

Thank you, Subihan...thank you for helping me find my way.