Schooled in the spirit....Via , Veritas, Vita

Viva Verona...what a blast.

There are so many things that I wish I can capture about the evening....not just in photographs, or fleeting memories that will be buried in the recesses of my mind. Of course, like other school reunions, I had a wonderful time, catching up with long-lost friends, and meeting with teachers.

People change...times change...but I realise what it is that binds us together. As we sang the lyrics of the school song, I am convinced that it is the values that hold many of us united in our hearts.

I know there is a common lament that school songs are so 'uncool' - at least the present generation say so. My girl, who goes to the same alma mater, cannot understand why I can still remember the lyrics even till today. But why not? I think the school spirit is strong in those who understand how far the school was involved in moulding the characters of her girls.

"Courageously, with heads held high, we march ever on through life"

Looking at the youthful, happy faces this evening, I can vouch for the dignified, upright characters that went through the gates of St. Anthony's. It is there...in the bearing and mannerisms...in the way they speak, and conducted themselves.

"Schooled in your spirit Canossa, for virtue, truth and nobility we strive..."

As I look back, I know that part of who I am now, is a result of the education I received in school. I have been truly blessed. I had great friends in school, great teachers who were good role models, and I was also enriched by the intrinsic and extrinsic experiences of my primary and secondary school.

Via, Veritas, Vita
The Way, The Truth, The Life...
I hope I will not let you down.

I Failed...Am I a Failure?

Does failing makes one a failure?
I am trying to grapple with this...amid the benchmarking, KPIs, unaccomplished goals, and 1001 things that seem to be leading to this present state of mind.

It does not matter what you are pragmatic or a dreamer, a pessimist or an optimist,rational or intuitive...I am sure we all waver and get 'tsunamied' by feelings of inadequecy and ineffectiveness. Self-doubts are such powerful negative energy that leave you feeling as though the rug has been pulled from under your feet.

Sometimes, thinking of it can be a long-drawn, painful process.
Rationalising failure is tough, feeling it is tortuous.

So that is why I am reading Maxwell again, hopefully to allow me to re-set the internal compass within so that my bearings will be right again.

For today, I end with these quotes from Dave Anderson, as a point of self-reflection:
"Failure is the hallmark of success. It can be the starting point of a new venture, such as when a baby learns to walk; he has to fall down a lot to learn a new skill. Failure is also the mark of success you've worked for. When a polevaulter finally misses in the competition, it shows how far he has come. That failure becomes the starting point for his next effort - proving that failure is not final."

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." - Elaine Maxwell


Dear God,
It's tough...and going to get tougher.
Give me moral courage and grant me the wisdom as you guide me through. Ameen

A Parable Re-visted II: The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Someone asked me a question the other day after reading my entry on the blind men and the elephant. "Eh...how come you read fairy tales?" Sigh. I think the person missed what I was trying to say. But never mind. Here I am again, musing over another tale.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf is another cautionary tale. The bored, young shepherd boy who had nothing better to do decided to create some excitment by testing the kindness of the people of his village. However, his pranks got too much to bear, and when he really needed help,no one really believed him. Aesop ended his fable with the moral advice
"Even when liars tell the truth, they are never believed. The liar will lie once, twice, and then perish when he tells the truth."

I am no moralist; as a human, I am flawed.
But the whole point that I want to bring here, is not so much about the boy, but the general attitude of us humans, who are more than 'happy', when it is someone else who gets blamed, or is highlighted for some bad deed.

"Give a dog a bad name, and hang him"?
We all are guilty of stereotyping 'other people'. "They all"...are the problematic ones; not us.
Perhaps that is why programmes like the Yellow Ribbon Project will take a lot of time before people can fully accept the ex-offenders back to society.

I am not saying that the-boy-who-cried-wolf is totally bad...neither is he good. He will learn to accept the his actions have brought about certain consequences. But I have dealt with enough young, restless people to know that they are at a stage when the thrill and impulse of doing something negative is so ...oh-irresistable.

In my line, we are often reminded, " reprimand and dislike the action...but do not label the child." But this can also be a challlenge...when the negative behaviour surfaces over and over and over again. Some cry wolf almost every day...hoping to trigger some kind of reaction...for even negative attention is attention itself. But, if I really stop believing, what will happen, if Wolf, does really materialise?

I guess I must consciously remind myself that sometimes, we can be 'wrong' for the right reasons...and also be 'right', for the wrong reasons (I am getting confused).

So those who you are with me on my journey for absolute truth...let me tell you...at this moment...I am still trekking on.

When Immorality is Unavoidable...

Actually I wanted the to read "damned do, damned I don't"...but some of you know how I feel about using toot! toot! words. Hey darn!(ooops...the horns are beginning to sprout), but under the current circumstances, do allow me to ... er ... vent with whatever colourful vocabulary I have stored up all these years.

Haha...if only I can.
While I am driven by strong impulses to let loose a verbal tirade, the rational side is reining them in. So as the head-heart heated debate is raging on...I will find some outlet. (So drama...)

I am still on that journey to find answers...
And today, I found myself cornered in a kind of age-old ethical dilemm. What happens when you find yourself caught between a rock and a hard place?

Sometimes, we face situations where you know, whatever choice you make, it will end up wrong, and go against the grain of your beliefs. It is times like that when logic even will not help.

One such moral paradox is that little quiz people do. If a ship is sinking, and you can only save one person, would it be your spouse or your mother? Or...to bring in another example...would I turn in Robin Hood knowing fully well, that he is a thief?

Sigh.
Sometimes, like it or not, there are times when it is really quite impossible to do the 'right' thing...this is especially so, when I deal with my young charges who can be wilful and reckless at times.
There are times when I simply have to bite my tongue, hold the pride down, and hold steady, even though it's tough. However I know that it is so hard to make the right...or even the best choice.

Can an action be so wrong, and yet the person who does it remain blameless?
Is it logical to think that we can be forced into doing the wrong things things...not because we want to, but because we have to?

Now that I think about it, I can't find the answers posed on ET!on line. They asked if that woman who gave birth to 8 babies, be allowed to keep her children.

Huh? You need a public poll on that?
Why should any mother not be allowed to raise her children?
But then, this lady has already got 6 older children (the eldest is 9 I think), no husbandand no job. Under that circumstances, does the state have the right to take the children away? Really? Is that for the greater good? Whose good? Are we already assuming that she will not be a good mother?


I think I am thinking to much.
But...thank God, I am still able to.

Signing off
The ethically befuddled one

A Parable Re-visted: The Blind Men & the Elephant

This is a parable that many of you would know.

Basically, it is cautionary tale of perceptions (and misperceptions). These six blind men touched different parts of the elephant - like the trunk, leg, tail , body, ear and tusk - and all of them formed different images of what the animal looked like.

Each felt that their mental picture was right, and that based on whatever little experience they had, they assumed that only they were right; and the other wrong. Thus, when the six got together, they all could not agree what the elephant looked like; with each believing that only he was right.

I suppose that even in today's context, we still have so many 'blind' men ... who truly feel that only their views are right.
Is that why Mankind can never agree?

I must admit that there is no one in the world who can claim to have the 'total' picture. People have strong views about things, based on our own beliefs, our conditions and our experiences.

But the lesson to be learnt here is, I suppose, to not only feel and think, but also to listen. How much do we really listen to another person's views? Or, in our minds, when we hear ideas and views are are different from ours, we are so ready to defend what we think is right?

What is an absolute truth?
I don't have an answer...but I will keep on searching.
And in the meantime, I hope, I will be able to keep on listening.

Drawn Together

Today's entry will be brief.

Quite a few of us were shocked and saddened by Hafiz's passing...and it took quite a while to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

His circle of friends are now drawn together by a common grief...but at the same time, humbled by the the benevolence of his actions. He would truly be missed.

Life is really to short...
- to sweat over little things
- to pursue trivial issues
- to make mountains out of molehills
- to only put our self-interests first just to get ahead of others
- to bear grudges
- to seek revenge
- to cause hurt to others...

Lets live our lives meaningfully . . .

And a big thank you...to 2 very special kids, who took the time and trouble to make me feel a little better.

The Present : For the Fallen Child

Like many others, I would take a cursory glance at the orbituaries while reading the papers...But today, a familiar face appeared that left me in tears.

This was a child I knew years ago...and like many of the special children, I had a soft spot for him.
In a group of rather challenging individuals, he stood out for his determination and resolve. While others were caught up with their angst and fears, he had an air of confidence. It life gives you lemons, make lemonades - that kind of positive attitude.

He was steady...
and pursued his own interests in the things he enjoyed. Never mind what others thought, for he knew what he wanted.

I remember the chats we had on msn...where he spoke of his hopes and dreams... of his new-found skills and his quiet pride at being chosen to go for an overseas attachment...of him getting his advanced diploma.

He told me many things...except for one important thing.
That he was ill...
I would never thought that the times of his 'absence' on line...were due to the times he was away for treatment.

In my hand, I hold a beautiful handmade box.
A box, which was, I think, lovingly put together by a talented, artistic child. He had spent hours in the technical workshop to smoothen the wood, and drilled the edges together. I am sure he spent hours too, painting the gold maple leaves and single rose. The edges are then glued with corded lace.

I remember when he placed the item on my table. I was taken aback by the size.
"Don't worry, Cher...It's not expensive...I made it myself. But I hope it will be priceless. "

Priceless - indeed it is.
With the title "Secret Diary" on the top, and the words "Happy Teachers' Day 01" etched on the inside, this now is the present he left behind...that will store my memories of a dear, sweet child.

Each time I lose a child, I lose a small part of me as well. He could have gone on to much bigger things in life...He was only 25.

If I know him, he would not have allowed me to weep.

Rest in peace, dear child.
Al-fatihah for Muhammad Hafiz Abdul Hamid
I will always remember you.

A Lesson In Building A Fire

In times of economic hardships, it looks like it is a boom for the educational sector to attract people into the service. And with the lastest news that more graduates are currently unemployed (one of the highest number ever), it looks like the target of getting even the support staff would be easily met.

Yet I wonder...
I hope those who do come into the service, know the challenges of the tasks ahead.
...that they will not be thinking about the job security alone, for the reality is that, to last in the job takes determination, guts, and that drive to reach out to others must be there.

Parker Palmer, in "The Courage to Teach" talks about the "fire within." It is the fire that must be able to sustain a person in this line...when we lose hope, the fire will still keep us alive.

But...
it is also hard work to keep the fire burning.
I remember a poem that talks about how one should go about keeping this fire burning steadily...and not burn out.

The best example of this analogy I can think of is that of how we try to start a bbq. A few years back, at the class bbq, two of the kids were given the task of lighting up the pits next to each other.

Both had the same materials. Both pits were similar, and because the pits were adjacent, they were subjected to the same wind condition.

I watched one child carefully arranging his coals, spacing them out, and placing only a few fire starters. The other child used more coals, closed together...and even added some oil "to get it started faster"

Lo and behold...
The second pit caught fire first, but the child was covered with thick smoke, and had to keep on fanning constantly to keep his flame steady, and allow the other coals to burn too.

The other child held is ground, fanning only when necessary at a constant, even pace. His took longer to start...but then Whomps. The whole bunch of coals burnt merrily, and he even got a little mini campfire going. And throughout the nite, he kept his pit going at a good pace, and the food that was cooked over it was somehow more even.

What is the lesson I learnt there?
To start a fire,, you need all the right things. But both had the same items.
Then there was the arrangement.
It is how you arrange the coals, where you place them. "Too much of it will not help" I was told.

The spacing between the coals was also important. At the beginning, you need to focus on getting the fire started, and all it needed was to make sure you find the best leverage....and when you need to keep it going, it is the effort that you make at the start that will keep it steady. Just because it starts burning a little...does not mean it will burn forever.

The passion for the job is like the fire.
And we need to keep that passion alive is we are to carry on for many many many years.

We need to then be able to find out our space too...without giving too much or too little of ourselves. We cannot afford to burn too quickly either...or too slow.


...Remember...remember...remember...
Do not let the light be snuffed out...
There is still a flicker...protect
and believe again.

Lost Generation

Please read,understand and choose.

The Broken Pieces...

It was uncanny.
It all started last Tuesday when I decided to come home early (well, earlier than usual) and it was then that the feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. So with that, I changed the tagline on the msn.

Of all the people, He was the last one I expected to respond. "Are you ok?" he typed..."By the way...I am in Singapore."

Many, many, many years ago, He used to be one of the most important persons in my life...But because ... He became a person I wanted to know nothing about...because...He...was a thief of heart.

Hahaha...
Time does heal...and I realise that time does allow me to forgive (?!)After all, I think I am the lucky one...and that God, in his Great Design, has left me much richer because of that experience.

Wow...how long has it been?
What was it like then...to be young and so giddy in thinking that the first person I liked would be the person I would live forever with.

Yes...separation...the physical distance became the challenge...I was the naive one...for I believed that promises made would be kept.
But...He felt otherwise. It was an exciting time...doing new things, meeting new people...and having her in front of him daily...while I waited patiently far, far away.

Back then...I 'vowed' never to forgive...for his 'cruelty'...and with a prayer that God is benevolent...

Fast forward to the present...
Facebook is a funny thing...of how it can connect you to people that you thought is long gone.

Like I said, time does heal...so why make a big fuss of being friends again? I do not bear grudges...and it is with a tinge of sadness that I realised He was no longer with the Her that caused so much grief.

I think He assumes too much...
Because I don't even dig up the past, does not mean that I have water under the bridge.
So what gave him that right...to call and then say, "Hey, you sound so different!" I was flabbergasted. When was the last time He spoke to me over the phone?

I have erased the number from my list...but nah...I still have him as a friend...and I know some of my sweet, sweet friends are all ready to take a swipe at him...for all the injustices years ago.

What is the point of this?
Right now...I know of two young people who are hurting very badly.
I do not understand what went wrong, or why things went wrong...but the hurt is there.

Here is something that I hope you will learn from my experience.
Yup... the First One...is the most beautiful...the most precious...and the most memorable.

If you want the relationship to work...then you will have to work hard at it...and it cannot be the effort of just one party...the physical distance and time constraints are there...but hey...how badly do you want this to work?

My advice...well...keep on being good friends.
Don't throw the friendship away because things do not work out.
Maybe...maybe...there is still hope yet...both of you are still so young.

Take care both of you.
And to 'He'... I wish you well.

On a wing and a prayer

Dear Child,

It has taken me a while to pen the right words to write this to you. I am not even sure that these are even the appropriate things to say. But tell to you I must.

It is a time of change...
Who changed, what changed, why things have changed...I think those things are secondary. But the main thing is I wonder if you realise how much you have changed.

Are those changes good or bad? I don't really know.
Since I have been saying that nothing remains the same forever, I should then be able to embrace the shifts in your perceptions and self-beliefs. It means you are growing...questioning...thinking...reflecting.

You assert your independence, you make known your stand. You challenge certain mindsets. At times it feels as though you found your wings...all set to fly just by the passion of the spirit. But then...there are also days...when I seriously doubt your readiness.

New knowledge gained...does not immediately equate with wisdom. That will come with experience and in some cases, the school of 'hard knocks'. When you realise that in life, the journey is rarely smooth, where the trials and tribulations that life has to offer leaves you wondering a lot about yourself at times. Beliefs get shaken too...and values are questioned...over and over again.

I know that you are thing to find yourself...trying to find your way to the things that you value. But in the process, there are times when self-doubts set in...and it reins you in. But most of the time...it is the internal monologue within you that can be critical and harsh...as the focus is on the self-judgement. Self-evaluation ia bench-marked by the high standards of expectation that is set upon by the self.

Change is really something very hard, but not insurmountable.
The restlessness...the sense of uneasiness are things which are to be expected.The dilemmas faced will leave many unanswered questions.

I don't have the answers...I believe God is the only one who does.
So keep that spirit up...as your quests take you through many uncharted territories.
Let your internal compass keep you focused, and lead the way to where you want to go.

God...bless this child.
My prayers go with you.

The Hare and the Tortise - Who Wins Today?

I am currently reading a book entitled" Mindsets- the new psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck. In one of the chapters, she asks readers to evaluate the famous fable of the hare and the tortise. Is the adage of "Slow & Steady Wins the Race" applicable in today's world?

We live in an age of instant gratification...where people want actions and results almost fast...where tempers and patience are short. Where a split second is measured by that moment in time when the traffic light turns green, and the car behind honks at you.When even a 4-minute interval wait between MRT trains feel like an eternity.

The hare's downfall was because it was arrogant and complacent...It had the talent, it had the aptitude. While we applaud and respect the plodding tortise...who really wants to be the tortise ... today?

We all wish that the hare had been a little less impulsive in making decisions. We know that had the race been one of a certain short distance, the hare would have won hands down. Would the tortise stand a chance in a 100m dash to the finish?

What do I want to be?
I think a mixture of both...I will need the speed and agility of the hare...and the sheer persistence and resilience of the tortise...Effort counts too.
The celebrated genuises of the world did not make it on talent nor skill alone. Ours is such a complex, fast-paced world; and adaptability, and the ability of respond to changes that come our way are things which will put us in good stead today.

Life will always be filled with challenges...and nothing stays status quo. It will then mean that we need to constantly keep on learning, and building our on our experiences. The hare needs to learn maybe how to outhop and outjump other animals like monkeys and birds...for his competitors will never be the tortise only. And the tortise...perhaps, may need to find the 'correct race' to take part in...where his strength will be recognised and rewarded.

The art of becoming...lies in how and why we learn. It is not always about being the best; getting the straight As all the time, and outperforming everyone else. We all study, and go through experiences to learn...and to enjoy the learning process. Sometimes failing in tests or exams...do not make us a failure in life.

Both the tortise and the hare must be able to make their own choices, and see value in themselves. The new race that the tortise and the hare embark...starts with the race against self. They need to keep pace with things that are happening around them, and at the same time, think, plan and strategise how they can keep on moving forward and succeed.

No one wins all the time...and no one loses all the time either.
The important thing is that we never just give up on ourselves...and to keep on improving.

When life is blue...find other colours to make your day.

Someone asked me..."Do you wear the colours of your clothes to suit your mood?"
I did a quick double-take. Today, I was decked, from top-to-toe, in all shades of blue. Ya...ya...I looked like little blue riding hood. But did that mean that it was an indicator that the emotions were going to head south for the rest of the week?

I think some of you would remember me teaching the classic "Love is blue" song to show how colours have significance. And I did warn some of the kids that should I dress in a certain colour...they ought to watch out. Hah!...was it the class of 2004 who called me "Black Magic Woman" because the day I came into class in an all black-ensemble, I had a foul mood to match. Out of sheer coincidence, I was trying to keep my patience in check, but my mutterings under the breath were misinterpreted as me putting a hex on some of the recalcitrant ones. Did someone really fall off the chair and blamed me for my 'incantations'?

How I digress...
Once and for all, let me tell you that as a very vain person, I do have clothes of almost every shade...with scarves to match...Hmm...shoes...now that would be a bit much.

But perhaps, there is truth behind why certain colours call out to me each morning and say, "Wear me...wear me...I reflect how you feel."
It has been quite disheartening as I try to complete my marking...for instinctively, I think there is a co-relation between the way I teach, and the way some of the kids are writing. The natural reaction would always be..."what have I done wrong? How come, at this stage, I get products like these?"

I am learning to manage that...
Remember, it is not about who shoulders the blame, and which way the fingers shall point.
It is about...ok...here is the problem...so now what?

I want to share this letter which I wrote for my kids last year...and I also gave this to my current kids...

A Note from your teacher:

My dear kids,

You may wonder why I have attached this little love note you each of you. Almost one term has passed by, and I do not wish to hyper-ventilate as I watch you attempt the summary question.

If each time I mark your scripts, a strand of my hair turns white, then I guess I will look like Storm from X-Men pretty soon. Kindly help me from aging prematurely. I would also plead for mercy because I do not think my poor palpitating heart can take the stress, and if I do pass out in class, it is a sign that my blood pressure has risen through the roof.

I think most of you are also suffering –from an affliction called “Summaricitis.” Here are the following symptoms. Please read over carefully and put a tick against them if you think the malaise I describe fits you.

Health Alert : Changkat Summaricitis (Hazard Level: Code Red)

1. Forget to break down the questions into manageable chunks.
2. Underline stuff that may look what the question wants – only because my teacher is anal.
3. Underline chunks from the text (why waste time listing right?)
4. Copy chunks as part of listing 15 points (geez…my teacher is really anal)
5. Come across big words and mentally substitute the word even though the meaning may change.
6. Write down the summary without noticing the connection between the opening lines.
7. Write in a handwriting that decreases in visibility. My teacher can afford glasses anyway. Better still, be illegible, cos I am a doctor in training.
8. Write one draft…oops…too many words…cancel…cancel…
9. Write one draft….oops…too little words…(my teacher cannot count right?)
10. Write one draft only…It is part of my effort to save the trees and ink.
11. Cut and paste (drag and drop)…never mind if my sentences do not connect.
12. Ignore all conventions of spelling, punctuation and grammar…(I alws rite tis way. Gr8)
13. Litter the summary with connections…never mind if they cannot connect anything…at least I sound impressive.
14. Ignore the tenses. (As long as I make my teacher tense, it is enough)
15. Pray that a miracle will happen.


So if at least 8 of the above fits you, I will be the one who is going to do lots and lots of praying for divine intervention.

Through my laughter and tears,
Me

Dear God
Thank you for filling my days with colours...and keep my sense of humour intact please. Ameen

The Growth Mindset: When Becoming is better than Being

I want to thank those who left me a note and wished me luck when last wrote about about wanting to re-define my values. I am glad for the intellectual responses.
Today, I want to share about what I have read about mindsets.

My long experiences with the kids have shown me something.
Self-beliefs are powerful, and that the mind, is the strongest organ we possess. Our mind is able to grow. Intellectual capacity and skills, can be honed through effort and constant use. When you keep on learning, and picking up new skills, you develop..no matter what age you are.

So it is back to the aptitude working very closely with the attitude.
True, some people are blessed with more grey matter, but with experience, training, learning and perserverance, we can push ourselves up. If we want to, that is...if we continue believing that we can.

"People who start out the smartest, do not necessarily end up being the smartest."
How many of you out that are living proofs of that?
Yes, at one point of your lives, you were 'measured' by how you performed in the tests and examinations...but life is more than just exams alone. Life goes beyond proving yourselves by academic qualifications alone.

When the last set of results came out, I was shattered. For days, the sense of failure struck deep in my sense of being. I saw what happened as the only direct measure of my own competence and worth. And for days, I allowed myself to be paralysed by regrets and self-censure.

It is taking time to re-orientate my thoughts. It does take time to pull oneself up again. I have to keep telling myself that failure is just one setback in life...we do really have to learn to pick ourselves up, brush off the dirt, focus, and start all over again if the need arises.

Success is not all about proving to the world that you are intelligent, gifted or talented. In a paradigm shift, success is seen as stretching yourself to learn something new, or un-learning and re-learning something old...only from a different perspective. It is driven by a need to keep on growing and growing by developing yourself.

So here I am...at the next point of discovering myself.
I have made my choice. I want my mind to grow.
So...for the next few days, I am going to think deeply and reflect on where I would like to go...and I will allow my mind to take me there.


Dear God,
Again I pray, for the strength of my Iman, and for Guidance.
Bless me with your Nur of Knowledge. Ameen