Adieu...

Well, it's time to move on...at least from this particular blog.
Just like the other blog I had on Friendster, I will go continue writing on a new blog, and I will explain my reasons there.

But I guess, I will just leave this Tigger one as it is...and perhaps, may write general things on it occasionally.

To those of you who have indicated that you want to continue reading, thank you.
Once I get the other site up and running, I will give you access.

To those who read occasionally, thank you also for being part of my life.

Adieu is such a heavy word...
But I have too.

The Number Game

I spent a good part of my day yesterday looking at numbers...Yes me, who vowed in the part to have nothing to do with numbers unless I have to save my life.

I have said it once, and I will say it again.
When I see numbers...I see stars.
But I know I had to force myself to go beyond getting cock-eyed, because it really meant I have to save my life...as well as those of my young charges.

If the data does not lie, then where have I gone wrong?
Have I been too optimistic all this while, or had my faith in those kids been too much. Worse still...is this the true reflection of my abilities?

Then for sure, I am the wrong person for the job.
I have not done enough, I am not good enough, I did not push enough.
Numbers are there in black and white...evident of all my shortcomings.

I got to stop seeing the world from rose-coloured hues.

If I have to play the number game, then I better buck up.
They won't let me go, I know.
Urgh...

A Promise to Keep

For a long time, I have toyed with the idea of leaving.
It is not because I am unhappy, but because I was not sure about the direction I am going.

I feel restless...
But somehow...when I thought it was time to cut loose, they managed to get me to promise...to stay.

I will hold on to my promise...
Not because I have to, but because I want to.
The only worry now is...for how long?

And The Owl Goes ".......

I'm up again...
While it may be normal for some people to be wide awake, this is definitely not what I need. So before I have another surreal encounter where I try to psyche my brain to allow me to go back to Lala Land, I might as well pen my thoughts now.

It is so quiet...except for the humming of my aircon,which is more than 15 years old. I should change it, for at times, the old condesing unit hums like an old motor boat. But the ears are so attuned to it that my usually ultra-sensitive hearing has somehow blocked it out.

The entire family is asleep...all of us ,including the cats. Ya, strange as it is to some, the holidays will find the kids and katz (that's what I call my 4-legged ones)all comfortably camped in their nooks and crannies in my room. If there is a place where we can unwind or 'lepak' (in Malay),yup, this is it. Even the animals have staked out their indivdual spots (ya...like my side of the bed!)

Gosh, the room is old and shabby...and at times, can resemble a war zone.
I never quite got qround to renovating the upper part of the house...save for stripping the wall papers and giving it a new coat of paint years ago. The money was always spent on other priorities like the children and investments for the future.

I know that someday, if I need to, I may have to sell this place and move to somewhere smaller...if we ever need to finance the children' future education. That is the intention when we first moved...years ago when Akmal was barely a month old. I know that a greater part of his memories will be tied to this place...so as the others. This is where they have grown up.

So in many ways, I am gratified by one thought.
A house is simply a structure..four walls that provides you shelter.
It is the people, the memories of good (and tough) times that will turn it into a home.

As cheesy as this sounds, I am glad...I have a happy home.

God,
I thank you for all the blessings you have showered on my family.
We are grateful that our lives are simple yet comfortable.
Help us to keep on strengthening our love for one another, for our extended families, and those whom we have embraced as part of our lives.
Keep filling this home with faith, hope, joy and laughter...with fortitude and an indomitable spirit...
Ameen.

I feel at peace.

Ramblings of the Owl

Last night ( I think it should read early this morning), I could not sleep.
I should correct that:- for hours on end, I kept my eyes closed, but I could 'see', 'hear' and was very well aware that my mind was working overtime. The subconscious was on overdrive.

I had long conversations with myself, I think. At some point, it went like this:

Me: Hey, I am tired. Go to sleep.
Mind: What sleep? I am alert right now. Come on, get up. It's the best time to get some work done.
Me: Work? I did work during the day!
Mind: You call that work? You were just like a zombie. You did not even use me. The rest of the body was on auto mode.
Me: But don't you control the rest of me?
Mind: You think I do? We would not have this conversation if I did...So I am taking control now...hehehe...when the body is weak...


Freud and Jung would have had a field day with me.
I know, I know...it's look like I am the best candidate now for a straight jacket. I speak out aloud during the day...and now, I am taking to myself at night? The best part was that I know the brain is the most powerful organ in our body. In the process of 'IT' admonishing me for my daytime shortcomings, it even gave me ideas about what to teach during the day!

Mind over matter, they say.
But tonight, I will be nice to Ms.Brain...please...I need my sleep.
Zzzzzzz

Meltdown

I should have seen it coming. The signs were already there.
As the temperatures kept rising, I found myself drawn more and more drained by the lethargy.

I became a sloth..slow in my movements.
But the brain gets dulled too.
I need to apologise to those whose commitments I could not keep, and horrors, I even got my dates wrong.

What happens when the flame dies out?
What happens when the well runs dry?
What happens when the spirit loses its drive?

I hate feeling this way.
I need to get out.
But how?

The Road Not Taken -Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20


This is one of my favourite poems.
I am not doing a critical analysis of his intention...only what the words mean to me.

Very often, we are told that life's journey is full on winding and forked roads. We will come to a point when we are at crossroads and we have to make choices


The decisions taken will depend on a lot of factors..circumstances, preferences, and others...but we find ourselves rejoicing or regreting the things we do. But we should try to still be the captains of our own lives...and live by the choices we make.

Life is really too short...

The messages and updates had come up in rapid succession the past three days. Each time, they got more and more desperate. There were intermitten pain, hope and confusion. The last one was that of resignation and acceptance.

A friend of mine lost his younger brother early this morning. The young man was only 32. He has fainted at the office, and hit his head hard. There was a blood clot, and he had hemorrhage. He slipped into a coma, and never recovered.

He left behind a wife and a young son...and a grieving extended family who are now trying to come to terms with his sudden passing.

My condolences, Amer, on the loss of your brother.

I am reminded again of the fragility of life.
Death is something that no one can ever predict...
It comes...
Am I ready?

Mis(sed) Communication

As a person who deals a lot with language, I know the power of words. I have been trained to pick up tone, infer both the literal and implied meanings, and often, I will scan for reasons why particular words are used within a certain context.

We use language everyday.
By far then, what words we use, how we use , when and where we use, and why we use them...can be attributed to why humans get into conflicts with each other. Communication breaks down when we fail to understand each other.

Unlike machines or computers which are programmed to decipher specific codes, Man's ability to comprehend, translate and interpret what he sees, hears, feels or reads is far more diverse and superior. Yet, this gift is both a boon and a bane.

We know that there is already a difference when we say something face-to-face and when we write something down in print. Then we each make inferences depending on our experiences, cultural perspectives, our biasness, level of maturity and self-awareness.

Things have become far more complex with the age of IMs. Asynchronous communication - with its shortforms, stylised impersonal lingo and going against all grammatical conventions - gives very little for us to really understand what the other person is really saying. We then make our own assumptions which sadly, may not be the real intention of the sender of such messages.

We 'kill' words...and yet, we forget that words can kill. Over time, human relationships get killed in the process too.

I think I need to remind myself to go back to the basics.
We humans as social beings, and we had started off with actions, gestures and non-verbal cues...haha. I am not advocating the 'touchy-feely-thingy'. All I am saying is this:

Seek to clarify and be understood.
Say what you mean as simply as you can.
Open all channels of communication.
Listen with both your heart and mind.

To AB...
I hope you understand now.

Touching Base

I took a short break over the weekend. I felt it was time to touch base with those I love and care about. I also needed the time to space out too, and let the healing process begin. But what I realise is that sometimes, before something gets better, it does get worse first.

The thing that I wanted for K finally happened. He has found someone that he would like to settle down with. For awhile, he showed me a succession of pretty ones, (hahaha...first line of censorship huh? or for stamp of approval?)that I lost count who was who. So it is a little surreal to accept the fact that he has found THE ONE (hahaha). Sorrie dearie...(you know me lah...remember the joke about I will only breathe easy when you show me the cert in hand?)

But that was all behind him now.
I have not him so calm and at peace with himself for a very long time.
I guess my instincts had been right...for the gem has managed to polish itself...The values were there all the time, only misplaced for a little while. Way to go, and all the best.

I took my medication and let them take effect.
The weather did not help.
I felt wilted, droopy and terribly lethargic. I was a sloth...down with

I had to cancel the usual Sunday activities.
The house had an unusual silence...haha..never thought I would really miss the buzz of activities when the other brood comes down. I enjoy cooking up square meals to feed the troops.

But I got to touch base in another way..."Mada mada da ne" anyone?
Had fun watching Ryoma, Tezuka and the gang...defy every possible law in physics. Perhaps the best part was because the kids decided to keep me company as we kept cool in the room.

I also got to talk chat with some other people on line. Haha...yes sweetie, while FB is ok with its shoutout and all, I will resist the urge to try Tweeter...I do not think I need a play-by-play account of what a person is doing at the moment.

And Sky...I know you were joking when you asked me that question.
But still, it threw me off guard for a while. Perhaps I should have answered, "yes".

Wardah, Faiz...I am going to make time to catch up too.

But I know...despite all that catching up...there is one more person I really need to touch base with..to clear the air and start perhaps, find ways to make better sense of things...Lets find the 1% we agree on, and give it 100% of our effort.