The Turtle Mode

Those who have been to my office will know that I have a collection of turtles and tortises.  I don't know how or why I develop a penchant for the creatures, so when the menagerie began.  One thing for sure, it is not from watching Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles while Zafran was growing up.

But today, I realised an even deeper significance I have with the shelled creatures.  Someone made a passing remark about me having "Turtle Tendencies." I thought it was because I am slow, but the person said that  it is because I tend to retreat within ,and  I go out of my way to avoid confrontations.  I 'hide' until the coast is clear, and I feel safe again.  I supposed so...when the mind and spirit are beleaguered, I need to hide in my own self-made haven.

I am operating on that turtle mode right now...
For today, it feels as though I hit rock bottom.  Right now, it feels as though I am nursing the mother of all migraines.Something hurts badly.   I want to crawl into a cave and stay there for a few days, away from people.

I know I am not supposed to feel this way.  After all, I had a good time lately...
No, it is not about going back to school either. I am glad for work.
The results released today was quite good.  I applaud the effort put in by my colleagues.  Well done.

Yes...why do I feel so demoralised and so urgh?
I guess that maybe the fear of next year's results....Maybe. But I will worry when that time comes...for no point losing sleep about getting my head chopped off. Maybe it is a lot of unspoken fears and insecurities.

The turtle mode has allowed me, I think,  to enclose myself within...thinking I could cut myself off from certain things.  Unfortunately, this is not the case. The one thing I am never able to do is shut off feelings, and be totally devoid of emotions. That is my weakness.

I felt it so hard this morning...
Picking up waves after waves of unsteady vibes in the air...reaching out and calling...
The whole auras of jumbled colours...flickering bright and then darkening...
I could not shut it off completely...and plus the fact that there was more than one frequency.

And then I read something...
Damned...
The tears started swelling up in my eyes...Right there and then, I had wanted to write something in return.

But I refused to let the dam break.
I would not...I cannot afford to...
I cannot let my guard down...for I am weak.

This is one mentally and emotionally spent turtle.
I got no where to run to anymore, except poke my head out again.

Dear God,
Please help me learn to trust...and believe...