Just random

My mind is beginning to rust, and the cobwebs are gathering around my brain.
I need to write...anything...something...after the 'harrowing' experience today.

If I teach language, why do I not understand what was spoken?
Hahaha...evolution...
Widgets, tweets, pb,...and other fangled thingies...
I belong in another era...and if I do not learn to adapt, then I will definitely lose my place.

I supposed that is how ol' Willie Shakespeare might have felt when he reads my kind of english.
Sigh...

Motherhood statements...

I think I have grown older this week; simply by the random events that has taken place. And since I believe that God has made it such that all things happen for a reason (which may be beyond my comprehension), the only way to make sense is to tie all the loose ends together.

I will begin with Iffah first.
True, she gave me a scare...but do you realise the fear I feel if I were to lose my daughter?
It has been one shaky rickety journey even since her diagnosis.
Yes, she has psychosis...and the first question the doctors ask is "Does this run in the family?"
God, do they know what they are implying when they say that?
No, there is no family history of this...
II thought I am a lousy mother...to possibly have passed a defective gene that my child has to carry like an albatross on her shoulder...

Are the voices in my head when I speak to myself the same as the voices she has been hearing?
And what about the silent accusing eyes...which seem to think that I have driven my child to such a state..."You must have been pressurising her...or neglecting her....you don't give her enough love!"
Never have I felt so low...and the insecurities of my ineffectiveness as a parent have been surfaced. What kind of mother am I...putting others before my own child.

Never question a mother's love for her child.
The heartbreaking moments....when I had to tell Iffah that I would not let her go for her trip, and seeing the torrents of tears.
The joyous moments...of Zafran's success, and of Akmal's progress towards his goals.

Then there are those I call as my own...my growing brood of special kids...
One, who made me proud, when publicly medalled as a hero for saving a life.
One, who became my pillar of support through my troubled times with many little gestures of care and concern,
One, who told me happy stories of how he was moving along.
One, whose thoughtfulness and empathy find a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week.

But it has been a turmultuous week too for a few...
To S...patience is the key...stay strong You will prove your parents wrong
To K..I'll pray so that the pain will go away.
and to AB...don't lose heart yet...and don't fall back into the cycle.

Dear God,
Forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Let my actions always be governed by love and understanding
I may not be the best or prefect mother, but I love them all so.
Bless and protect all my children so that they are always in YOUR loving care,
Ameen

The Night

I had spend almost 3 days at the hospital...namely one that is specially for children.
And last evening, I slept (kept awake) through....

...listening to your gentle breathing,
...waiting as anxiously as you for the clear sign
...just as disappointed when you had to stay on.

Outside,
a hive of activties abuzz
the tiny cries of wee ones in pain piercing through
frantic mothers hushing
the machines quiet hums creating the white noise behind.

God knows...
the tired, sad children who longs for home
and not the cold sterile comfort of the green bed.
The gentle heroes go about their daily rountines
with cheery hellos of "are you feeling better"

Over at the other ward
eerie silence of young souls
prisoned to their beds
shaved heads
battling the invasion of  manevolent armies within.
the caregivers...having to stay strong
slumped over in private tears
once night descents.

I know you want to go home
I want to...
God, be merciful....
God, the provider
Bless the little children who are ill.

The Last Lecture

I have not written lately because....
just because.
Hopefully , this entry will make more sense.

I stumbled upon Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" and have been mulling over its contents ever since.  He was a university professor who died about two years ago, but not before he left such a strong legacy over his students, and most of all...his 3 young children. I read the book...and teared over it...Now if only I can find the 'courage' to watch the much circulated clip on youtube...I guess I will weep buckets.

Of all the things that was said, the most lasting impression has been created by this simple yet profound statement. (much like Low Guat Tin's deathbed legacy question years ago)
"If you have one last chance to share your knowledge with the world, what would you say, and what would your legacy be?"

Do we leave our footprints in the sand...or cast it in stone?

Last week, I thought I had achieved a milestone in my life...after I got that small token of recognition of being in the service for 20 years. Hah! How that had fed my 'ego'...What gave me the right to even think that I had a hand in moulding the lives of some of my students?  Why had I not seen the equation the other way around...that without them, I am nothing.

What would I leave behind?
,,,,probably dust ...

Happy Birthday,my darling daughter

Iffah turned 15 yesterday.
And as I watched her over family dinner last evening, I think of the many episodes that have marked her life.
She is my one and only girl; I love her dearly.

Iffah has grown...15 years suddenly seem so short.  Where did the time go?
This was my baby who decided that she would make life a little more exciting for mummy.
She was 'an owl'...who slept during the day, and wanted attention and play after 12pm.

From young, she already had a mine of her own.
She was then seeming reticent and stoic...refusing to speak to any stranger other than family.
If we took her out, she would rather keep a stony silence rather than warm up to attempts to thaw her out.
And if she insisted in doing something she had set her mind to do, nothing will make her change her ways. .. and that included weeks on end wearing "Power Rangers" T-shirt and shorts, and once, a whole day in a swimming costume!

Haha...back then I vision of dressing up my little princess in cute frilly girly things when up in smoke.  She hated dresses and accessories, and I rued (haha) the times when I had to give away expensive unworn gowns to other people because she refused to wear them.  Forget Barbie...she used to dislike the dolls and so again, we made sure that no one gave them to her.

But there has been frightening little episodes that made me realise that she will truly be my special child.
... the fever fits and the stay in hospital when she was a baby
... the encounter when she accidentally locked herself in the car, and we had to smash the windcreen to get her out.
... the years of having to patch her eyes because of genetic disorder
... the cases of 'bullying' by rowdy and insensitive classmates
... the broken arm
and now....a new challenge....which I think she will learn to overcome in time.

Be proud of who you are Iffah sayang....
Mama loves you...Zarifah...my girl...
Always give your best in whatever you do.
Keep up always being good and compassionate.
May Allah keep you strong, healthy and wise.

I love you.