I think I have grown older this week; simply by the random events that has taken place. And since I believe that God has made it such that all things happen for a reason (which may be beyond my comprehension), the only way to make sense is to tie all the loose ends together.
I will begin with Iffah first.
True, she gave me a scare...but do you realise the fear I feel if I were to lose my daughter?
It has been one shaky rickety journey even since her diagnosis.
Yes, she has psychosis...and the first question the doctors ask is "Does this run in the family?"
God, do they know what they are implying when they say that?
No, there is no family history of this...
II thought I am a lousy mother...to possibly have passed a defective gene that my child has to carry like an albatross on her shoulder...
Are the voices in my head when I speak to myself the same as the voices she has been hearing?
And what about the silent accusing eyes...which seem to think that I have driven my child to such a state..."You must have been pressurising her...or neglecting her....you don't give her enough love!"
Never have I felt so low...and the insecurities of my ineffectiveness as a parent have been surfaced. What kind of mother am I...putting others before my own child.
Never question a mother's love for her child.
The heartbreaking moments....when I had to tell Iffah that I would not let her go for her trip, and seeing the torrents of tears.
The joyous moments...of Zafran's success, and of Akmal's progress towards his goals.
Then there are those I call as my own...my growing brood of special kids...
One, who made me proud, when publicly medalled as a hero for saving a life.
One, who became my pillar of support through my troubled times with many little gestures of care and concern,
One, who told me happy stories of how he was moving along.
One, whose thoughtfulness and empathy find a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week.
But it has been a turmultuous week too for a few...
To S...patience is the key...stay strong You will prove your parents wrong
To K..I'll pray so that the pain will go away.
and to AB...don't lose heart yet...and don't fall back into the cycle.
Dear God,
Forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Let my actions always be governed by love and understanding
I may not be the best or prefect mother, but I love them all so.
Bless and protect all my children so that they are always in YOUR loving care,
Ameen
Sunday, April 18, 2010
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