The Enemy Within

I wonder if I should even be writing this entry...whether it is worth it to think about this, when the person that I am directing this to is so dead fixed in mindset, that I might as well be crashing my head against a brick wall (which probably would be less painful)

Anyway, I shall say what I think I need to say.
Negativitism kills...
Not physically....but mentally, emotionally, spiritually...you feel like a huge Dementor is sucking the life out of you.
This person loves to be negative...I just don't know why...and the worst thing is, it is directed to the self, and of course the people who are supposedly the 'closest'. Life has been a series of unfortunate events...one after another, all setting the individual for downfalls after downfalls.

It has been hard trying to change a person's perception...especially if it is deeply entrenched with bitterness, regrets, and hate.  The sad thing is...any attempts to help is rebuffed.

I wish you well.

Self-awareness

Yesterday, I had to do a difficult thing.
I did not clear a contract teacher, who is currently on attachment in school, to move on to NIE for the next semester.
I have never done that before.

All these while, I think I have tried to look for the strengths in people, and perhaps, believed that somehow, the flaws can be overlooked. Teaching is definitely not a matter of simply delivering content knowledge. It involves relationships with people...and if you are detached and impersonal, how then would you be able to reach out to others?

I am indeed a dinosaur, holding on to that romantic notion that teaching is a noble profession.  Teaching is more of a 'calling', you are definitely not going to be in it for the money. Yes, it can be a stable job, but hah, you have to put your soul into it...and sometimes, it feels you lose a lot of yourself along the way.

What is happening to the teaching profession lately?
Gen Y & Z...the group of young restless people, who put their needs first before others.
This is the new set of values...for things like loyalty, hard work, compassion and altruism go right to the bottom of the list...

This young individual...claims to want to teach.
But...she does not like people very much, preferring to keep to herself.
Then the question is how is she going to relate to her charges and their parents?

And the worst thing is, I cannot get through the facade...how can you come across as if you don't care?
Educating young people have often meant going down to a level which you sometimes never expect to stoop,  or doing things that you would not dream of doing.

When asked for a reason: - "I do not trust people"
Then is the job choice a right one?
I don't know...this is a job which you sometimes have to feel as though you are a sitting duck for many unexpected things.
You get hurt, angry, upset, insulted...but you will learn to laugh, and grow, especially with the children.

I hope she understands why I am being cruel to be kind.
She is not ready, and needs to find herself first.

But that also leaves me with a big question for self-reflection
What happens when I lose my own heart for teaching?
Leave Dee....leave.

When Titans clash...

I am sooooo mad right now.
Mad at myself, and two other people who think they are my friends.
I am furious at how one seemingly innocent thing has sparked a war, and in the end, I end up being the stupid one caught in between.

No...this time, I refused to say that it is my fault.
How can it be?
All it started out with was that statement on facebook....about my obsession with B&J....and how eating ice-cream helps me out with my marking.

Then it started...people added comments.
Not so much about me and B&Js...(which I can definitely take)...
but something about marking and going to 'war'.
Yup...a full scale war of words did escalate between 2 people....2 hot-headed and opinionated people.

It's either damned I do, damned I don't case.
Both are my friends...and they don't know each other....
But how dare they want me to take sides?

I am fuming because I am a coward.
Instead of telling both them off...I took the easy way out.
Easy, my foot.
Why do I have to suspend my FB accounts because of them?

Dee, you are too too too soft.
All you have to do was to give them a piece of your mind.

But as educators, they forget.
Their accounts are tied to their students...and the whole world can read the comments.
If teachers engage in verbal slanging...then what are we teaching the students?
That we cannot give and take...that arguments have to be aired in public...with name callings and all?
No...
that is the rationale that I am going by.

Sometimes, one wins by saying nothing.
People will see me as a coward, but I maintain my dignity.
What's the point of standing up for your rights..if in the process, you create a lot of unhappiness for other people.

"Hold your head high, and keep those fists down"....
I have chosen...to lose.