Audi partem alteram

I am here to give my views...not to argue; nor to debate.
Also, I know that the logic,ethos and pathos I use; are derived from instinct and not from purposeful thinking.
I see to understand, not to condemn, not to change, not to put values on opinions that are different from my own.

Dear child,
I must say that 'this' was the clearest 'voice' I heard in that has been writing.  Paradoxically, you said that you are getting 'confounded by...rationalising'.  Your 'scattered thoughts' have said a far lot more about your situation.

I guess that it must be really hard to be you. That is why you use the word 'hate' - one of the strongest forms of negative emotions.  It is not a word that I would normally use because of the connotations - but you are one who do not mince your words.  You are fully aware of your own self-expectations, and if these are not met - the idea of a letdown ; to others, and to the self, becomes pretty intense.

No one seems to fully grasp the nature of your feelings...no one ever will really. Unless they are you, no one can comprehend the complexities of the fear, frustration and anger (if I may label them as these).  Your tone and demeanour are interpreted as 'arrogance and callousness'...for very often, people cannot accept that when one is blessed with good brains like yours, one should be happy with the good results one gets...and not 'hate the capacity to overtake others without doing the proportional amount of work'.  Unfortunately, that is the reality of life. It will never be fair or equal....really, I cannot imagine how much you can fly if you truly overcome your own shortcomings of 'complacency'.

You are clear-headed; and your sharp mind is probably your most crucial asset. But this too is like a double-edged sword...for it hones in on, and harps on your flaw.  You find that it is not right for people to pin hopes on you; or for that matter; you seem to think that even you will let yourself down ultimately.
After all, it all adds up right?...the failure of the past because of complacency, a certain person surpassing you in terms of academic performance, your action of spending a lot of time on the computer; and so on. You know that these are almost dialectic evidences of your 'weakness'.

You are fully aware of your predicament..of how your gift of intellect is also your curse (I know you never said that..so pardon me if I misunderstood this). And you are right..about how easy it is for people around you will be so offended and put off by the things you say, or feel.  Unless they walk in your shoes, it is extremely difficult to empathise the depth of your dilemma.

I am not going to venture into your stand on relationships yet...for I acknowledge, that is really difficult to me to even find a middle ground.  But what I am trying to do, is really to sift through the words and emotions I pick up, and perhaps see how best I can support you from behind.

Perhaps, after your exams, it would indeed be good that you are going in early.  Being in an non-academic environment, and away from people and things which remind you of your internal conflicts may bring about new perspectives and experiences.

We cannot change the past...and we cannot really predict the future.
We live in the present...doing the best of what we can...to make things a little more bearable. Perhaps, you will find your inner peace...of the spirit and mind...there.

In the meantime,...just focus on doing your best.
I will not hold you to your promise...
Just be yourself...just be a little more happy.