Ties that Bind...

I think that this is one of the hardest entries that I have written...
In a sense, I have been meaning to write this for so long; and yet have kept it in my draft box; revision after revision. I am not quite sure of the purpose of writing this...or who my targeted audience is.
But today, I start off with the determination that I shall end this piece.

In less that two weeks, I'll be sending Zafran off for national service.  I am not quite sure how I would really react on that day. I'm psyched up to go to Tekong...so far, it seems like it will be just as if he was going away to some school camp or other.  I do not think that there will be tears on my part...after all, I will still get to stay in touch with him via sms, and God willing (Insyaallah), he will be home after his basic 3 weeks of confinement...and after 9 weeks, the army will make a man out of my son.

Where did all that time go?
It seems like yesterday, I was cuddling a chubby little baby in my arms. He was always earnest as a child, and rarely did anything that made me angry with him for long.  I remember for quite a while he was upset for not being taller than me...and when he shot up but at least a head, I am glad he did not resort to lording over me.

A mother is not supposed to play favourites - I mean how can I ever say that I love each of my kids differently?
Zarifah is special - cos she is my only girl...and Akmal is special too, since he is my baby. Zaf...well, I know that my husband would say that this is the child who can do no wrong.(so not true!)...He is my eldest...and the one who understands me best I feel.

There is no best way to describe my relationship with my kids...I have been very blessed indeed...
Maybe some people assume that the moment a woman has children, she automatically becomes close to them.  Maternal love alone is never enough to cultivate lasting relationships.  I understand that a mother may always want what is best for the child...but must know the difference between what is best may not be what is right.

Over the years, I worked hard to cultivate a loving, trusting relationship with the kids...especially since I spend so much time with other people's children. I learn what works, and what doesn't...and at the back of my mind, the whole purpose of raising children is carrying out Allah's 'amanah'. I had both good times and bad, made wise and foolish decisions along the way, and in the process, learn to accept the kids for you they are...and hopefully pray, that they will turn out to be ok people.

Allah gave me special challenges, and interesting times...
I have wiped their tears, cleaned their mess, and celebrated their successes.
I know what has been like to worry when they fall ill, and worry when they are not doing well. I've shared their little secrets...and do wonder if I will get to share more in future.

These past 4 months, by God's grace, I have had the chance to spend time with my oldest 'baby'...and reconnect with him.  I got the chance to play 'mama', and renew the ties...for he has really grown up in the years he spent in JC...I got the opportunity to understand how he relates to people, and how those around respond to him.  I am gratified when people compliment me for having raise 'a good son'.

Praise to God. (Alhamdulillah)
Zafran is very much his own person...and hopefully, with the values grounded in him...he will continue to grow from strength to strength.  So as he embarks on the next chapter of his life in the army, it is only right that I let him go with my prayers and blessings.  May he always stay grounded and strong in character; and find the courage to face all his challenges resolutely....and dear God, keep him safe and sound.

Ameen.