Where do I go from here

It's another long break from writing...and now coming to a point where I wonder if I should really keep this blog going. Writing used to be a cathartic exercise - a focal point of release for the deepest thoughts and feelings.  Yes, of late, the words refused to flow in momentum with the jumbled thoughts. I would start something, and then, find my senses clogged...and like a drainpipe that is choked to the brim, it would take a great amount of  de-cluttering to get it flowing freely again.

Which makes me wonder...I am up at this ungodly hour; wide awake because my mind is still active while the battered body craves for respite. I am weary; more ever than before. The practical side would tell me to just close my eyes, and try my best to will my brain to stop thinking...and perhaps remind the 'whatever sense' to stop picking up other people's vibes. I do need to be stop being a sponge...for negativity is not productive.

'Will the brain to stop thinking'...why would I ever want to wish that to happen?
It's very scary thought...and one that I have tried to brush aside in case I open that pandora box - but how can one really avoid this?

A few years ago, I wrote a poem, "If I should forget to remember you"... a tribute to my maternal grandma who suffered from Alzheimer's disease, and my Nek Tor, whose trauma caused her to succumb to selective mutism, and had her memories swallowed by time...Now, it looks as though, that defective gene has reared its ugly head again.

My siblings and I had managed to persuade mum to go for testing, and the results have shown the onset of dementia. It merely confirmed what we had suspected. She was always misplacing her things; and of late; forgetting dates and even whether she has eaten or not. We understand that old age does that to people - as the chemically and structurally, the brain changes and slows down.

Perhaps now, the worry strikes at two levels...because there is a genuine terror that her memories will give way completely...and secondly, I have to come to terms with this real possibility: Am I predisposed to this condition too?

Dear God...
I can only pray...and seek solace in you.