When the Spirit is brokened...

Today, I felt demoralised.
It was not by the words that were said, nor the actions.
It was a painful realisation that I may not be a good teacher after all.

I walked into class today with a very specific objective in mind.
I wanted them prepared...and ready.
I wanted them bright, bushy-tailed and all ready to take in the knowledge I wanted to impart in them.

But then...the things that happened...
I have talked about opening up their minds...but have I crippled their thinking?
I want them to be quick and able to think on their feet...but have I intimidated them into keeping quiet and say nothing at all?

I used to think that apathy could be the cause; and the lack of self-awareness could be the contributing factor to their passivity. But this is not it. I like being with them...on their own, they are very nice, well-mannered kids.

Is fear paralysing them?
But don't they realise that they are sinking even faster in this quick-sand like situation if they do not want to help themselves?

While I do my part, suddenly I am overwhelmed at the enormity of having to be accountable for the results they produce. That alone is leaving me breathless. There are no excuses I can give if they do not do well. All fingers will come pointing at me.

My dear kids, I do hope that you remember this.
My 'work' is to make sure you pass, and do well in the exams. I come in...all rah rah and ready, but the general lethargy will get to me. At one point, it seems like the Dementors in Harry Potter's stories, sucking out the life in me.

I cannot be pushing all the time...I cannot be the one catching you each time you fall...You cannot fall, because you do not even seem to want to try.

Please, please. This is a plea.
Do not break my spirit too. I have just that much...and I cannot be positive for everybody.
You have to start...use baby steps if you have too...

Someone catch me please...
I am falling.

Drawing the Line

This entry is for you, though I do not know whether you read my blogs anymore.

I realise that the more I try to convince you to slow down, the more you resist.
I understand you enough now to figure certain things out. And instead of trying to make you change your mind, this is what I am going to do instead.


You keep harping on mistakes...and have to atone for what was done.
I try to think of which was the biggest mistake...and the main link I can make out as the source of your discontent...is that 6.

I partly contributed to that...
Like you said, you were lulled by false hope.
I gave you hope, for to the best of my knowledge, you were on your way there...
But I was wrong.

So you don't trust anything now...and least of all, me.
So I draw the line...
You are fine on your own...trust your instincts, do what you think is right.

The more I try to give advice, the more I think I will misguide you.
So no more.
No more naggings..
No more...

The one thing I do ask...is that you forgive.

Good luck,A.B.

Are you a Stayer?

Years ago, there was a great debate on the loyalty of Singaporeans who left the country in seek of greener pastures. Many felt that those who left had no sense wanting to give back to the nation, that in a way, they were the selfish ones who only sought for their own wants.

I will not even venture into that area, though I can see the similarities with the situation that is happening in schools. There are more than 50 new faces around...many of whom with 3 years or less in service. Many more are expected to join them.

I have been rooted to the school for about 20 years now...
I spent a fair portion of my life there. I have set my roots there, and I love the place...
I love the people...at least those whom I have worked with for many years...but then, the number grows smaller, and smaller as time goes on.

Many of my dear friends have left.
Many of them, with big, kind hearts and a real love for the job. Their departure often left big gaping voids which sometimes can never be replaced.

Why did they leave?
Why do the younger ones no longer want to stay long?

It is not a matter of loyalty anymore.
It is, I feel, also not an issue of being selfish.
It has reached a sad, sad point.

You know...passion can be killed quite easily. Even the hardiest candle can be snuffed out, if it is constantly being blown against the wind.

So when M said that she has had enough, my heart felt the pain again,
I would have loved to open my mouth, to persuade, to coax, to cajole...for her to stay. But how can I , when deep down, I feel that I should do the same...

I have made a choice...I promised...
But that promise to keep is so heavy.
I do not want to stay simply because I have to...I stay because...I don't know, I struggle to find reasons to convince even myself.

Should you decide to go...I understand.
Maybe...one day, when I am released from my hold, I'll fly away too.

I know know why...the caged bird doesn't sing.

Starting Fresh

I have neglected this blog for quite some time. While I have used the excuse of shutting down the other blog to suspend my entries, I feel that I should not have run away from the daily mental exercise to 'penning down' my thoughts. I have become lazy and my mental faculties are rusty.

Maybe, today's entry shall focus on why I created that new FB account.
I am a coward you see. Rather than confront the situation I was facing,I chose to run away and hide. How long more will it be before I am discovered?

Facebook has been good to me in many ways. It has helped me established links with others, broadened my network of friends, and of course, reconnected me with people whom I have not touched based with for a long time. But hence lies the problem, or my so-called dilemma.

Had I been selective about who I added, I would not have easily faced the problem of having 'unwanted' friends. I think you know what I mean when I say, I would rather be left alone. It is not a game. But how do I choose? Is there a'nice way' of putting people down?

When I was younger, I thought it would have been great if I had lots and lots of friends. The more the merrier. But now, I value my privacy. And the very nature of my job placed me in a dilemma. I needed to be very very guarded with my responses. I have to be mindful of my audience, and that the things I sometimes let go. Some thoughts are just not for public consumption.

So I created this new account, and just like this blog, I hope I am going to be much wiser and prudent because of prior experiences. Nothing is totally safe, but I hope my circle of readers and friends will really be those who mean a lot to me.