When the Spirit is brokened...

Today, I felt demoralised.
It was not by the words that were said, nor the actions.
It was a painful realisation that I may not be a good teacher after all.

I walked into class today with a very specific objective in mind.
I wanted them prepared...and ready.
I wanted them bright, bushy-tailed and all ready to take in the knowledge I wanted to impart in them.

But then...the things that happened...
I have talked about opening up their minds...but have I crippled their thinking?
I want them to be quick and able to think on their feet...but have I intimidated them into keeping quiet and say nothing at all?

I used to think that apathy could be the cause; and the lack of self-awareness could be the contributing factor to their passivity. But this is not it. I like being with them...on their own, they are very nice, well-mannered kids.

Is fear paralysing them?
But don't they realise that they are sinking even faster in this quick-sand like situation if they do not want to help themselves?

While I do my part, suddenly I am overwhelmed at the enormity of having to be accountable for the results they produce. That alone is leaving me breathless. There are no excuses I can give if they do not do well. All fingers will come pointing at me.

My dear kids, I do hope that you remember this.
My 'work' is to make sure you pass, and do well in the exams. I come in...all rah rah and ready, but the general lethargy will get to me. At one point, it seems like the Dementors in Harry Potter's stories, sucking out the life in me.

I cannot be pushing all the time...I cannot be the one catching you each time you fall...You cannot fall, because you do not even seem to want to try.

Please, please. This is a plea.
Do not break my spirit too. I have just that much...and I cannot be positive for everybody.
You have to start...use baby steps if you have too...

Someone catch me please...
I am falling.