Taking stock

I wish I am able to write more often. Because each time I try to sit down to pen down my jumbled thoughts, I get distracted by so many other things.  Yes, of course there is such a thing as drafts...but looking at the number of unpublished stuff I have kept in that folder; I know that I will never get back to them....cos the 'moment' is lost...I would not be able to capture what I really wanted to say...at that moment.

Here's a summary of the many things left 'unsaid':

I did it! Finally, the move that I have long anticipated finally materialised.
But it was indeed strange when I realised the amount of mixed emotions that accompanied the official announcement of my stepping down.  Immediately, I found myself within the outer circle.
Maybe I am being too sensitive about these things...but really?
Why are people suddenly talking in whispers in front of me?
I know I am no longer a part of the whole planning process...but they ask for my books and materials...they ask for my notes...but then shut me out, without explaining why.

I know that the move upstairs will bring a host of problems too...having to readjust.
People will not know how to respond...or behave...or even trust...
It's going to be like .."You were one of them...you..."
Maybe I am just reading to much into the situation.

...on another note
The exam looms near.
And each time that happens...I go through this whole cycle of ....fear, anger, hope, annoyance...and what nots
Have I done enough? Am I doing enough?
Are they prepared?


There is a lot of personal hope and fear too for my own kids...esp for Akmal and Zafran.
But with that, I leave in the hands of Allah.
I am proud of them...for it is the effort that I am pacified.

One final note to AB (if you do read this)
I really don't know what lead to the exchange last evening.
It started 'harmlessly enough'...but ended really, with ...
I stand by what I have said....I am on your side...
But I supposed...you know best
and if you think I have misunderstood ...
then you are right....
I never know you....
and for that, I failed you...again.