A Teacher's Prayer

This is a poem by Jill Wolf dedicated to my fellow 'warriors-in-arms'.


A Teacher's Prayer - Jill Wolf
I want to teach

my students more
than lessons in a book;

I want to teach them
deeper things
that people overlook-

The value of
a rose in bloom
its use and beauty, too;

A sense of curiosity
to discover
what is true;

How to think
and how to choose
the right above the wrong;

How to live
and learn each day
and grow up to be strong;

To teach them always
how to gain
in wisdom and in grace;

So they will someday
make the world
a brighter, better place.

Let me be
a friend and guide
to give these minds a start;

Upon their way
down life's long road
then I'll have done my part.


Happy Teachers' Day to all who count themselves as educators.
You are heroes.

(specially dedicated to the best teacher in the world - Mdm Fazidah Abu Bakar)

Life...is too ....fleeting.

It has been a sad and sober month.
I lost....another Changkat child.

In the prime of his life...this young man had fallen overboard and got swept into the sea.
He lost his life a day before raya...and was only found after two days.

I will miss your laughter.
May your soul be placed among the pious.
Alfatehah..
Aidil bin Jasni.

Expectations - and why I will never learn

I need to remind myself that whenever I do things for others, never expect anything in return.
The 'niat' must be right.
I thought I was doing ok with this...for so far, I never caught up with 'you owe me' kind of mentality. I do not ask for favours, I do not gloat over help rendered.

But...
I am human.
When someone turns to me...in times of need...I will help.
But in good times...when there is no problem...
I get ignored...

Ouch...
That hurts.

The 7 most difficult days of your life - Dr Phil

I have been reading Dr Phil McGraw's book "Real Life". I still like John Maxwell a lot better, but while waiting for his new book to be out, I took to reading the former.  Dr Phil also makes a lot of sense, but he lacks that 'oomph-up-and-go rah rah' effect as compared to Maxwell...but that is just my opinion.

What caught my attention in the book was the section where he summarises the factors that will trigger the most stress in our lives....and those factors are likely to wreck havoc and pain, and put us through emotional turmoil.  Here is an extract of the common 7 days that almost everyone goes through

a) The Day the Heart is Shattered:
It is a day when you lose something or someone of great value, and in the process, your heart is broken and can never be fixed as a whole again.  The sense of loss is so great that it brings grief and gripping pain.

b) The Day you realise you have Lived your life as a Sellout
This is a day when you lose your value as a person. You know you are living without courage and integrity, without honour and dignity.  It is when you suffer a sense that you have let yourself down. (I guess some people will take a long time to realise this...and even if they do, it is too late for regrets.)

c) The Day you realise you are in Way over your Head
This is meltdown day - when you realise that you have lost control, and not able to meet the most challenging of demands. You are simply overwhelmed, and would just wish that the earth would open up and swallow you whole. ( I understand this...it's when I want to crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head, and not wake up)

d) The Day the Body breaks down.
Most of the time, the body signals that there is something not quite right with us.  The physical being reacts more readily to stress, and when yet we tend to ignore the symptoms. But when it does...the body is capable of wear and tear. The day that we are stricken with a serious illness, or when someone we love is seriously hurt, we have to be prepared to face this reality.

e) The Day the Mind breaks down
This is a day when you realise and have to acknowledge that you or a loved one's mental and emotional functioning is in trouble. (enough said...I know...from grandparents who suffered from Alzheimer's, and my girl's depression)

f) The Day Addiction takes over
Drugs, Alcohol, and Gambling may seem to be the ones out in the open, but there are many more. When the obsession takes over your life, it can easily destroy it.

g) The Day you have Lost your Purpose and have no answer to the question "Why"
This is the challenge of finding meaning for your life. It deals not so much with who you are, but why you are. This is where you find that there is no sense to your existence...and you have lost your inner compass.

Well, I hope to be able to share more.
In a nutshell, what he is trying to tell us is that everyone faces problems and challenges. Life is truly no bed of roses, nor a smooth road for us to travel on.  Life is NOT a success-only journey.  We all will meet those 7 days at one point or another....and must learn how we can deal with them.

So for today:
So chin up and smile...and for me, Bismillahi Rahmaani Rahiim - In Allah, I trust.

You're Ok...we are ok....

This entry is for you...whose 'outpourings' lately reflect your current state of mind. It occilates, swings from one random thought to another, and you constantly find yourself making contradicting statements.  But hey, let me assure you that you are not losing it - that what you are going through - is actually normal.

I feel for you, and I understand....trust me, I have been through it too before.  You have suffered a loss - but that loss does not necessary mean just the physical being.  When that person is gone, you lost many other things too - a sense of belonging, warm memories, your ideals and of course, love. It has hit you to the very core because you have lost a large part of yourself. 

So, it is ok to feel the things you are feeling right now - the whole gamut of emotions - and it is ok to find yourself doing 'crazy' things.  You are one of the sanest and most grounded person I know...and while you find yourself unravelling, your innate values will somehow anchor you...you will not completely drift away.

When we first suffer a loss, it is ok to grieve....to feel so sad that it seems that your whole world has fallen apart. At the beginning, there was a sense of incurable misery...so much so that you would have wished that the world would stop...or that you simply wanted to be away from everyone and everything...so that the pain would stop.

Then I saw the anger and disbelief seeping in.  You could not understand what had taken place. It seemed incredulous right...why had that person left?...what had gone wrong? What was that person thinking? You felt that you had done everything right...and yet life dealt you a cruel blow.

You went into another part of the cycle...you became a little desperate...thinking of 'quick-fix' solutions trying to make up for your loss. You tried to convince yourself that there are better things out there, only to swing back into desolation. You yo-yoed between feeling high and low, and it left you tired, weary and I guess, more confused than ever.

The next stage you tried was to block off all emotions...You tried to focus on something else, channelling all your energies there....But in truth, the hurt, the pain, the misery has not gone away.

Yet I sense that you are a lot 'calmer' now...cos there is now a growing dulled sense of acceptance that you can change things back to what they were....

You know, you are slowing moving on.  You are picking yourself up, and though there are times you will falter and stumble, you are on the way to healing.  But I want to remind you of one thing...emotional healing will take time...there must be acceptance, and forgiveness...If you can't forgive the other person yet, learn to forgive yourself. It was never your fault in the first place.

Take care, dear child.
I know you will grow stronger from this experience.
All the best.

The MRI Experience

Ok...it now has been more than 4 months since I fractured the ankle. I can walk, though I limp.  At times, the foot would swell and look 'elephantly', and at night, the aches can still be unbearable....But I am not complaining. The fall has taught me to appreciate the importance of my legs; and how they keep me mobile and upright.

But since the recovery has been super-slow, the good doctors (so good that a wait for a consultation at CGH can be as long as 3 hours!) had wondered what could possibly go wrong. After all, the X-ray has shown that the bone has healed. The young doc I saw had poked at the area, asked if it hurt, and promptly stated," I cannot understand. The foot is swelling. The bone is ok."

(Sorry,doc. I don't mean to insult you...but the loooooooooong wait had made me rather intolerant of such bedside diagnosis. After all, you were the one who went to medical school...I don't understand either)

Since X-rays can only pick up scans of bones, I was told to get an MRI done.
(please people out there....please buy medical insurance...medical bills can be soooooooooooo hurting on the pockets)....and I had to do it during this fasting month.

For those who never had an MRI done, let me share this with you.
First, it is done in the deepest denizen of the hospital (oh...the lowest level houses the morgue)...and the temperature there is nothing is comparable to the icy blasts of the North Pole.  You besides shaking with fear, you'll probably find your speech incomprehensible cos your teeth are chattering non-stop.

The young radiologist (see...they keep getting younger) asked me if I had any metal implants...for they apparently will affect the radiation...I cracked my brain, and said I had titanium implant in my teeth...but after frowning for an eternity or two (brrrr....I was that cold!), he said it would not matter since I was not going to have my head scanned.

I was told to get on the machine, and thankfully, they strapped on me one of the most comforting heated thermal blankets in the world (hey...may I know where I can buy one?). The radiologist gave me STRICT ORDERS not to move. They then placed a pair of headphones over my ears, and it was blasting a song by Jay Chou...(how I knew, don't ask.....)Oh, I was also given a rubber pump which apparently I could squeeze if I wanted to communicate with the radiologists outside the room.

Now, how do I describe what happened next....the room went all dark, and the great white shark...er machine came cranking to life...oh...they switched music, and the sounds from Glee came shrieking into my eyes. I felt as though I was slowing being swallowed into that ....that....that hole.

I suffer from an acute case of claustrophobia. Lets compound that with an active imagination.  So the MRI machine transformed from the Great White Shark to a burning funeral pyre within seconds...and I imagined myself in a coffin about to be disintegrated by the licking flames....the sheer terror of it all! I wondered if I would even be able to fit into the hole as my body inched further and further in.

I think I must have screamed....as loudly as I could inside my head.  I was so tempted to press the pump to stop tell them to stop the madness. Yes, the rational side of my head kept telling me not to move....Concentrate....concentrate...don't look...don't look....close your eyes...let the music take over.

Music....music....music...
I know...lets stand up and dance....Nope, I am 3/4 way through...If my head goes in, ....breathe....breathe...music...dance....darkness....jaws.....(you get the drift)

Thank god my whole head need not go in. It stopped short at my neck where I could see the blinking counter lights....25 minutes.....lap counter....The machine jerked and my heart stopped. Don't eat me! don't eat me!

I think those were the longest 30 minutes of my life.
The lights came on, the monster machine fell silent.  My radiologists hurried into the room.  "Are you ok? You were so still...we were worried."

Hello? Still?...did you not tell me NOT TO MOVE?

Anyway, I am still waiting for the results of the MRI. My foot is considerably better, thanks to the massage and herbs I have been taking.
And oh....I did ask Zarifah, who also had an MRI previously done. She went for a brain scan and of course, was thoroughly inside the machine. When questioned if she was afraid, this is her answer.
"No....I fell asleep."

Sigh...it's just me.

Hurry Scurry ...for curry!

The weekend saw me in a 'frenzied state'...not because of anything else but over a pot of curry.
By now, many would have heard about the Singapore Curry Movement that gained momentum over the (long-overdue: 7 years ago mind you) dispute between the Foreign Talent (PRC) who set roots here and their Indian Singaporean neighbours over the smell of curry.

No...this is not a rhetoric against Singapore's immigrant policies.
I believe that everyone has a place in this world...and that the One who really decides where we mere mortals would end up is the One above.  So as a civilised member of the human race, I would simple state that no one race is better than the other, nor above the other.  But for the sake of humanity, tolerance and  respect are some things which are premiums we cannot afford to lose.

So back to my curry story.
I promised myself that in this Holy month of Ramadhan, my 'small sacrifice' would not to post any comments on Facebook....though I concede that I still do read my 'wall'. When I got to know about the National Curry Day, I thought that it would be fun to join in...no, not as a protest, but as a show of solidarity and get into the spirit of things.  After all, how many people really hate curry?

I wanted to do something slightly different (re: Never cook what your mother-in-law is good at - hey, that does contribute to 0.1% to world peace you know)
I decided to cook Bamiah - this Arab-like curry with okra and beef, and eaten with bread. I do remember arwah Cikgu Sadiah's generosity.  Each time she cooked, she would bring a large pot to school to share with the staff.  Maybe I should carry on her legacy. However....I am not a great cook...so sigh.

Anyway, it became a learning experience for everyone involved. I sent Zarifah down to Geylang with Bibik to do some marketing, and I ended up having a good laugh at her 'harrowing tales'.  I forgot that my little princess is a supermarket shopper, and for the life of her, has never stepped into a wet market.  She gasped in horror when she realised that the meat she purchased were not nicely cling-wrapped in convenient packages.  She can't speak Malay to save her life, and there was a 'chicken-duck' miscommunication as she tried to verbalise her thoughts.  I had told her to buy 'mee kuah'...and had emphasized to her that I wanted the soupy version of the Indian noodles.  I think this was what transpired.

Zarifah: I want mee kuah. Sop please.
Mamak: Awak nak mee kah atau sop kambing?
Zarifah: Sop. No mee...no goat.
Mamak: Mee Kuah?
Zarifah: No mee. Soup one
Mamak:....goes out of his stall and asks her to point to the pictures above.
(well....at least she knows how to recognise her food!....though she had jumped when I asked her to buy ladies fingers. When she was younger, she had thought that I literally wanted to cut off the hands of some young women...and refused to show cannibalistic instincts)

But with that experience, both she and Bibik abandoned the idea of getting the other things I had on the list....which took me some time to search over the next few days.  The secret ingredient of course is the specially madefresh paste (and yoghurt) you have to purchase from the old Indian lady.

Then she posted on FB that I was going to make Bamiah.  Now, I forgot to mention that this dish is actually cooked on special occasions only...so when news got around, more than one family member got excited....and you know what that means.

Yes...I ended up cooking not for one family...but at least four others.
I am not complaining...but in this fasting month, I get a little worried that the dish may not turn out well. However, with a prayer, and a lot of 'campak-campak' ingredients (literally meaning throwing in things here and there)...all went well for Iftar.

Cook a pot of curry and share...
I like the idea
That's how memories are made.

Small Blessings

Ever since Zaf went to camp, I would receive a call each night; except for the days when he was out in the field, or came back late from the range.  But I was always prewarned not to expect his calls...so I was quite prepared in advance not to hear from him.

For this, I am very thankful.
I sound like a high-strung mum, unwilling to let my child go...or to some, he is some 'poor mummy's boy' who is still firmly tied to the apron strings. Either way, I don't care much about what others say.

Do you know how much it means to me...to know that my child is safe and sound?
Even if it is a simple hello...or to a list of things he did at camp, I cherish the few short minutes I hear his voice.
It does not only apply to Zaf....whenever I am away from the family, I make it a point to speak to my children at least once a day... I need to hear them...to touch base.

It does not take much to keep the channels of communication open.
I would be the saddest person on earth, if my children no longer want to speak to me.

So thank you, Allah. I am grateful.
Alhamdulillah.

Life...is fleeting

The sad news came fast and furious yesterday... one that brought about shock, disbelief and eventually grief.  A young life was lost...very tragically, because it was quite unthinkable how the accident happened.
A life, which should have been lived much longer, was snuffed out...by someone's else reckless moment of folly.

This was what I meant yesterday; that we have no full control over our destiny.
I hope that for the rest of her friends and myself; this untimely loss will serve as a reminder to us...that life is fleeting.
We live life to its fullest each day; with the idea that we also need to prepare our souls for the hereafter.
We make each day count...doing good deeds...seeing good, saying good, hearing good....we be good. There is no need to waste time on the negatives...for each minute is precious..

Our life...is a gift. Treasure it.


Rest in peace, dear child.
You will be remembered.
Al-fatheha...Fathanah Jailani (4E 2002)
May your soul be placed among those of deep faith. Amin.

Journey

'Life's a Journey, not a Destination' -Ralph Waldo Emerson

This entry is a response...not just to one person, but to the few others whom I find it worthwhile to just answer the rhetorical questions they randomly throw.  It is also a note of self-reflection...as I take a breather to mull over unspoken thoughts.

It has been challenging times...for some, coping with changes and circumstances.For others, it meant a time of renewal and acceptance; of grief and loss; while others cope with the perpetual curveballs and hard knocks that life seem to offer.

Each one of us must travel down the road that is 'predestined'. I don't even think we know where exactly that road will take us eventually...though we can visualise the pit stops we will make, or the milestones we hope to cross.  We can still 'shape' and map out the route we hope to take...though we are not in total control.  And one of us, drives down a different path.

What do we take with us on this journey?
Some travel light, while others are burdened....emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I guess it depends pretty much on one's outlook.
I have come to realise that it doesn't take much.
If you come with a moral compass, you'll be pretty much grounded, and can still keep a steady course even though there are distractions and obstacles along the way.

Will we ever be fully prepared for this journey?
I guess that one cannot be absolutely sure.
Some needs to drag themselves along, while others can run...each move along according to the beat of one's readiness. But ready or not, through this journey, we discover more about ourselves...and hopefully, become better human beings.

So if we travel down our roads, let's think about how we can learn to enjoy the experience and the challenges. Do not forget that there is a Higher Being at work up there; and that if we can accept that we are not in total control of our own fate....so things do happen for a reason; very often unknown to us.

We should not allow to be weighed down too much by things that happened...in the past, or are happening. We learn from our mistakes; repeat them if necessary...and learn to keep on going. There may be times when we question"why me"?....but we need not worry...if we keep on going with the idea that our final destination ... is a good place in the hereafter.

So God, I start each part of my journey with "Bismillah"
In You, I trust.
I will carry on....till my time here is up.