Un-learn, learn and re-learn(Poison Pen)

The cliche goes: "If something ain't broken, why fix it, right?"
Then comes another that claims,"Think out of the box...break all the rules first...and put them all back together."

The world is full of such sayings...to fit whatever situation we might be in.
Anyway, what does all these have to do with 'lessons' per se?

I deleted, or at least, suspended my facebook account.
For 2 reasons...
One it is getting to 'difficult' to manage ... what is the point of adding so many friends and only to hide them?
I guess I lost the whole objective of doing that.

The other, of course, is a bitter reason, which I have failed to learn again.
I have previously deleted my blogs and friendster accounts because of this.
I know that when you post something on the internet, the information becomes public domain.  So one has to be very careful and selective in the things that is said, or written...because very little remains sacred.

I thought I had been careful, and be as objective as I can.
In my line of duty, the last thing I want to do is to get caught in any contraversy , or in an uncompromising position.  I took care about what I wrote, about what I posted...and what I did on line.

I was wrong before...and I am wrong now...and perhaps...in future too...I will be wrong again.
With such information readily available, we now are all siting ducks...due to our own doings.
Any Tom, Dick or Harry can get access...and I know not of their intentions.

But it seems like a lot of people out there, behind the cloak of anonymity, take perverse pleasure in condemning others, ridiculing them, and even hurting...
The internet has unleashed the negative side of Man at our worst.
We glee in provoking and insulting, and enjoy sadistically bullying others.
We assassinate people with our words...

I do not know what I have done to even some of these people...heck...I do not even know some of them.
Maybe if it makes your day, to tear me to shreds...well, I am just wondering if you would have the same courage to say those things to my face.  You may not like me...and if it makes your day to de-mean me, and attack my integrity, I just don't understand.

Dear God,
It is a trying time...especially when I am challenged in more ways than one.
Please help those who are not happy with me...fill them with a sense of inner peace...
So that they will not continue to do it to others.
Ameen

Lost and loss

In a way, I was kind of expecting the dreams to come; especially after events of the day.
The ones of loss...
This time they symbols were clearer.

First was what I can title "The Bus".
I was supposed to escort a load of students somewhere.
But not all of them got on the bus...some had refused to board.
So I told the bus driver to make a stop somewhere to wait for the group.
But I got down, to herd as many of those who got were wandering all by themselves.
I thought I had to...
And to my dismay, as I was the last person...I saw the bus leaving me instead.
I was the one who got lost instead.

The second was the loss of a loved one.
It was as if I had a rendezvous with him...
I meet shortly...and the last thing he promised me was he would come back...
But he never did.
I heard from people that he was gone forever
And I was left...forlorn and alone
Still wandering around in circles wondering what had happened
And why a promise to return was not kept

Vivid or not...I am rather apprehensive to look to deeply into these
In a way, I think I can guess their symbolism

Dear God
Leave me not behind.
Ameen

How do I deal with this?

I have not written for some time, even though many things have happened.
I thought after all these years dealing with young people, I would be prepared for this.

But I am not...and it is scary.
How do I remain calm and collected, when this is the most frightening thing that I have ever encountered?
Why have I been so helpless?

The facade ... is really nothing but bravado.
I am able to speak about it aloud, but inside...only God knows.

Dear God,
Catch me...I do not want to fall.
Ameen

Touche - ?

This is for AB...
in response to what you have been up to

Today, you took me by surprise.
Instead of a dour look, there was a smile on your face this morning.  (My faltering, blurry eyesight may be wrong though)...a smile that seemed to reach your eyes.  I have not seen that for quite some time now.

For quite a while too...you seemed to have so caught up by an internal turmoil.
The 'ghosts' of your past haunt you...and you carry the albatross on your shoulder something you cannot shake off.  Funnily, at the back of my mind, I seem to still think that you really need to hold on to those things that weigh you down.  It is as if , if you finally decide to let them go...you'll find yourself without a sense of direction.

Round and round...
I think you have disected the problems...and analysed the causes ...in a way that only you can.
Your mind is sharp, - you think with such clarity...but..
The but shall remain a but...
for while you know the why and the how,
letting go...is still the hardest step for you to take.

I am sure, that by now, you would have realised that there are actually people who care for you.
That even though you seem to think that you are driving people away, your friends are there for you.
(Haha..I had actually hoped that some sweet young thing would have soften you up a little, and defrost you a little...but...nah, you will not allow that...not yet)

I am not sure if you are trying...but just like many others before you, I see a rite of passage coming.  It's like you having to walk through an uncertain path on your own.  Those who try to watch out for you can only stand by the sides and watch...as you try to take tentative steps forward...that is...if you really want to do you.  You are not quite ready to let go...you can't yet.

But let me say that you will...
You are the only one who can break through the shackles of your mind.

I have hope.
For today, I saw your smile...and I heard you laugh.
To me, that is a positive sign.

I don't know if you remember why I call you AB...or if you understand what AB really means.
It does not matter...
Just remember...you are special.

Symbols

I'm trying to make it a point to jot down the symbols of my dreams.
Last night...the whole image had to do with boats and water.
Twice, the vessels capsized.
One with me at the helm, trying to balance a shipful of passengers who could not keep still and insisted on rocking.
The second, I was brought to a lake...and my rower insisted that I stand in that tiny canoe and try to keep balance.

So, in both dreams, I ended up in the water.
The first one...struggling to come up to the surface.
The second...eerily calm...letting the quiet, still waters embalm me....

Dear God
You know best...guide me.
Ameen

A Time for Change

There have been many changes taking place in my life recently. Both good and not so good.

When things change, I need to adapt and at times, tolerate.
I learn, un-learn and re-learn.

When things change, it is time to move on.
I have to let go of some things that I once held so dear.
I question to ask myself why.

When things change, I can laugh or cry.
At the end of the day...nothing remains the same.

Hmmm....I wonder

It was interesting that the child picked up something which I had written quite a while back.  I wondered what was in his head lately.  My senses has been tingling lately, and I know, whatever, and however I felt, I had to draw back first, and wait and see...cos firstly, this is no longer a child and secondly, it will take a lot out of him to ask for help.

What do you get when the left brain and the right brain collide?
Never the twain shall meet?
I hope not.
I still feel that he is a bundle of contradictions; but  yes, I still stand by my belief that sometimes, if we always find a logical explanation as to why things happen the way they do...well, sometimes it may lead us to a lot of discontentment within.  And since I surrender myself to a higher Will up there,  I have learn to accept what comes my way a little 'easier'.  I pray for the day when this child will too, someday.

I can't win via logic, his skills have been honed and surpassed mine.
But I will remain true to my inner feelings, and intuition.  That is the grey area that he refuses to be drawn into. And since God has been pushing special kids by my way,
I know... I will keep on trying.

Here is a poem worth mulling over.
If...things can be explained, one way or another, then whether he has a literature background or not, does not matter.
Think this one through.

The Paintbrush - Lee Eizkel
I keep my paint brush with me
Wherever I may go,
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.

I’m so afraid to show you me,
Afraid of what you’ll do
– that You might laugh or say mean things.
I’m afraid I might lose you.

I’d like to remove all my paint coats
To show you the real, true me,
But I want you to try and understand,
I need you to accept what you see.

So if you’ll be patient and close your eyes,
I’ll strip off all my coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.

Now my coats are all stripped off.
I feel naked, bare and cold,
And if you still love Me with all that you see,
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to save my paint brush, though,
And hold it in my hand,
I want to keep it handy
In case somebody doesn’t understand.

So please protect me, my dear friend
And thanks for loving me true,
But please let me keep my paint brush with me
Until I Can Love Me, too.

Take care, AB.
Keep your paintbrush near...and use it
until you are really ready.

The Worth of the Price

I know of someone who has a penchant of equating the things he does with the idea of "price'.
Every action that leads to a consequence comes with a price tag...be it in spiritual or emotional , or even monetary or temporal terms. We all seem to think that in order to achieve success, the price we pay is through the 'sacrifices' we make.  It does suggest that if we are willing to pay the price, we can win. 

The things we give up are valuable 'commodities' by themselves.
Time, energy , health, family, relationships and a peace of mind are indeed things we need to consider carefully before we decide to give up.

Yet...there are other pressing needs that may sometimes make us lose our sense of focus in life.
We find ourselves in a dilemma when we have to choose between what we want, and what we need.
There is really nothing as 'having it all."

We need to decide, and the sacrifices can be painful.
At the end of the day...look deep within yourself.
"What is my purpose? Where are my goals?"
"Is it worth the price? Will the ends outweigh everything else"
Can I be accountable and also be at peace with myself when these choices are made?

Dear God,
I am still searching for answers.  But the one thing for sure, let all my actions, my words, and my deeds bring me so
much closer to you.
Ameen

As you grow, I grow ..

Who dares to teach must never cease to learn. ~John Cotton Dana

This is something that I have believed all these years in the profession.  As much as I am called 'the teacher', in reality, my life is enriched daily because I learn from my experiences interacting with the students.

I looked at the results with mixed emotions this time round.  While last year, I was really down because I think I have done an injustice on my charges, this time round, the accountablity factor made me draw back and wonder.  I cannot change the results...they are something that I have to accept.  But this is where I reflect on how attitude makes a lot of difference.

We all know of the saying, "You can bring a horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink."
So it boils down to attitude, and the willingness to listen and improve.
That is where the magic begins.

The success stories, for me, are not so much the As.
It is of those who made the effort, and listened.
It is those, who had genuine fears about not clearing the subject, and decided, by hook or by crook, to really do their best.

A wise young man (haha) once said, "The results will only be of value for 2 weeks only. It allows you whether you play with a full deck or less." [more or less]
So for some, the results are the culmination of hard work and determination, while some who looked in disbelief...will know why at the back of their minds.

One by one, they reported back to me.
Those who chose to re-sit for the papers.
It was with a lot of happiness that I received the good news of their success...
I share their joy, but I cannot accept any credit for their victory....It is all theirs.

And to you, who thanked me in your blog,
I would say that you were the one who put your heart and soul into the exam.
It is you , who have achieved.
My role is so minute...I merely opened the door...
And I am so proud to hear that you are not going to wallow in 'what ifs'...but move on.
You will be able to stand tall.

To my kids of 09...thank you.
As you go out into the world, good luck on the next lap of your journey.
Thank you for the memories.

Out of sorts...and sorting it out

I think I got my priorities right...at least today.
I think what I had to do, and put aside forcibly, what I needed to do.
It was a real eye-opener that I wonder if I had been blind-sided all these while.

And today, affirmation came in other forms.
First, from a child whose voice I had missed so much.
His ship had arrived at a port of call, and it was so comforting to know that I am one of the few people that he called.

There are other major decisions that I have to make.
The first is to 'surrender' and accept that something had to give.
For the sake of the loved ones, I am getting back a maid...more to allow me to spend time with my kids and other half.

Two years...that is the target I set.
After I have put things in order, I will step down, and let the younger ones take over.
That, would be the right thing to do.

Dear God,
Each time I take things for granted, you nudge me back to reality.
Help me be strong to face the internal challenges I face,...so that I may grow closer to You and Your Will.
Ameen

Vindication....but at what price?

When the results were released at 8am today, I was immbolised. 
The other heads had formed a circle around the P, but I could not lift myself off the chair.
The blood roared in my head, and I actually was quite faint.
If it was bad news, I could not have taken it.

Myreen was braver...and for a good reason.
She pulled in the best results.  Through her drill and structure, she got her class to perform well.
Kian Beng....the 3 years of hard work paid off...the Sec 5s brought in the best results ever.

Gingerly I made my way to the table...
Clammy hands and wildly erratic heartbeats...feeling woozy as I forced myself to look at the numbers.
I could exhale...
Though not as well as I had hoped for, I felt vindicated.

And then the phone rang.
On the other line...was a voice that informed me what had gone wrong...
I had lost sight of what was really important to me.
So while I took care of the results...and while I am grateful that the kids did well...
It all boils down , at the moment to this.

I failed someone...
I failed...I failed...I failed...
It is really time to go....

Come what may...

I need to really clear my head.
The worry is getting to me, and the head and the shoulders feel the heavy burden I supposedly carry.

Last night, short of calling me a hypocrite, someone pointed out that I do not practice what I tell others.
I tell others to move on...and look on the bright side.
So why am I wallowing in a self-created pool of despair?

I think it boils down to accountability.
Numbers don't lie...and ultimately, I am judged by those numbers.
I can find reasons and justifications...but my prosecutors are not magnanimous nor forgiving.
A captain must go down in the sinking ship.

This has nothing to do with altruism ... or being a hero.
It is realising one's shortcomings and how that can jeopardise some person's future.

Battered, humiliated....and made to feel like a miniscule of dust.
My self-esteem has been shredded...
My credibility made minute.

When you have been thrown deep down, and left for dead
Crawling up again ... is the hardest thing to do.

Chin up Dee
I know my conscience is clear...and that, hopefully offers hope and redemption.

Dear God,
I surrender to you.
Ameen

Bushido: The Way of the Samurai

The samurais have a austere code of conduct called Bushido.
Last year, I had to think a lot about this.

Bushido...emphasizes a great deal on many upright virtues
especially, rectitude, honour, loyalty and courage.

The time draws near.
I think I have fought to the best of my ability.
But my sword is ready.

On the day of reckoning,
if need be...
Seppuku....

Dear God,
I gave my best.  If that is still not enough,
I will let go...gracefully.
Be merciful...
Ameen.

I never saw that coming

Just when I thought I would have a good day.
Someone threw a curveball..fast and furious.
It was unexpected...and like all surprise attacks, this one left me stunned.
Not only did the rug get pulled from under my feet, I got hit below the belt too.
Ouch.

That pain is just as bad as the physical pain I feel.
Don't weigh me down when I tried so hard to remove the burden on my shoulders.
Next week....I promise myself to go back for the jabs again.
But that pain I can manage...

So battle lines are drawn huh?
Unfortunately, I choose not to fight...

The Uniform in Blue (Part II)

There is no part 1 actually.
But about a year ago, I had an entry about the uniform in blue, and the individual who wore it.
And today, I want to speak of the journey this person went through...I know that there are some parts which this person may not agree with, but what I say is what I see and feel...(anyway, I am so used to being  at loggerheads with AB)

Just like how I was moved a year ago, today, as I sat behind and listened to what AB had to say, I know  how far this child has come.   I had taken a gamble, trusting that what would be said would be meaningful.  And just like others before, this young person did not disappoint.  True, the message was put across 'differently', but AB was able to drum the idea of choice, hard work and attitude into the heads of the younger group.  I should have known that AB was not one to pull punches.  Black is black...white is white...no need for shades of grey in between.

The talk was delivered in pragmatic, almost dogmatic style.
It was not your conventional motivational talk.
At some point. I think it may have frightened some of those who listened to this 'legend' crush their egos.

I wondered if a year ago, AB would have the same confidence to speak in such a manner. 
The points were put across quite clearly (that I had no doubt about) and emphatically.
But...the 'soul' was there. The voice was real.
Only a person who has gone through the challenges...would be able to convince the audience.

I suppose it had taken a lot of courage to admit some of the things that was said.
I wondered whether AB was 'conscious' of what was said verbally, and how hard it must have been to face certain harsh realities.  I wondered if the talk was as meaningful to the speaker as it was to the listener.
And today, I saw the child as an adult...and the potential of what that adult can become.

AB went through a turmultuous year...
Especially for someone who was so focussed on success, stumbling along the way was a situation that was deemed unnacceptable.  I am sure that failure was never in AB's personal vocabulary.  It was so unthinkable. I saw the anger, the regrets, the frustration, the exasperation, and most of all...the need to vent and channel all this negativity somewhere. At some point, I wondered if AB realised the amount of venom that was spat at those who came near.  This was one child...with a lot of 'pride'...and no one could heal the wounds.  The walls were built even higher and stronger around AB...no one is allowed to break through.

Practically, AB diverted them towards doing even better...to a point where it became quite scary.
A ball of restless, relentless and tenacious energy driven to succeed...but constantly hitting speedbumps along the way.  When that happened...I saw the confusion and angst.

But today...
I saw something else.
I saw a spark of the old magic...of an eager, earnest and positive child I first knew.
I won't go far as to say that AB has mellowed...or that there is internal peace and acceptance.
I hope it has...but I won't hold my breath yet.

Thank you, AB...for today.
I have no hand in what you have become, or what you will be.
But I breathe a pray of gratitude and relief  knowing that you are on your way to achieving your goals.
All the best in 2010, dear child.
I have , I do and I will always, believe in you.
I will await another year, when you are able to walk back through the gates, head held high...and fulfil your promise.
God Bless...

Similar, yet so different....

Today marked the begining of the new academic calendar.
I got to meet up with some familiar faces, and at the same time, held my first lesson with those whom I have never thought before.

The  impending release of the O'level results are not too far off.  Rumours are rampant about them being released some time next week.  I dare not speculate.  So far, MOE has not given the schools any official confirmation.
It is hard to think of how the kids would fare.

I guess last year's results shook me to the core.  For never before, through the years I have been leading my team, has the results dropped so drastically than that of the 08 group.  Failure can really rob one of self-confidence and self-worth.  For while most of the time my charges have been able to pull themselves just above the expected MSG...the impact of the drop was just short of a sledgehammer being slammed onto my head.

So like the kids, I quake in anticipation of what is to come.
And my worry now...is whether I am still worthy of being the enthrusted with the responsibility of guiding the current first class in schools this year...Not one, but two different exams...The O's and the N' levels.

I felt so proud of my 4N1 today...all that hard work to 'train' them fell into place.
hahah...maybe it was just the first day...but the set expectations have been made known...and yes, cruel me set out their homework for them.  But yes, it is better to start early, but they must not fall short of the set target.

Then that is the other class.
It is always difficult and a challenge to 'pick up someone's baby'.
I am sure Serene has done an excellent job in teaching them...but I am worried about my own capabilities.
Will I be able to continue and produce the grades...?
Am I the right person to guide them through?

Dear God,
The time of reckoning draws very near.  You are now the only one I can turn to.
I accept Your Will....and what you have decided for me.
I pray that you will answer the prayers of my students...and that they will do well.
I pray that you show me the way...so that I may find the courage to start again.
Ameen

Memories in the Sun

I went to Chek Jawa...again.
Actually, I wanted to test the new 'toy'. I bought the Nikon D90, and I knew that the camera would be good for both panoramic (which Zafran likes) and close-up (I love) shots.  There will be plenty of things to capture there.  Plus, Zarifah is the only one who has not set foot on Ubin before.

The plan was to leave very early after subuh prayers.  We would be able to catch the reefs before the tide comes in.  I had missed that the other time.  But Akmal had watched LOTR till 2am, and thus, it was a chore to wake him up.  We then again had breakfast before the we boarded the ferry at Changi jetty.

Unlike the last time, the sun shone brilliantly.  It was a beautfiul day, but I was not certain if we could take the strain of cycling in the heat.  Plus, while the rain on the last trip had kept people away, today the crowd came in droves.

But cycle we did, and at some point it became a challenge.  Part of me realised that I loved the previous experience better.  While I had the opportunity to stop and snap pictures along the way, I loved the freshness the rain brought in.  In the rain, the leaves and flowers glistened, freshly washed by drops from the heavens above.  But the sun brought the opportunity to get up close and personal to other small creatures and insects which I would have otherwise missed.

Hahaha
I conquered the the watch tower again....accompanied by the Significant Other.
But because there were many people around, I had to quell the urge to laugh out loud again.
This time round round, the tide had come in fully, and I missed my sandy white lagoon, with its lush carpet of emerald green seamoss.  Parts of the jetty too was covered by sea water.  We also saw a sad sight...a garoupa which probably had died due to the increase in some plankton overgrowth and cut off the oxygen supply.

I realised how different the two trips had been.
Even the bicycle charges were different.
On the first one, we paid between $5-$8 for the bikes.  This time round, we paid $8 each, regardless of whether there was a basket or not...The shopkeeper had initially asked for $10.  And when I returned the bikes, the tourists who had descended on the island were charged $20. Goodness...I know the islanders need to make some profits...but please do not fleece the tourists. They may not want to come back.

Oh....
I forgot to mention...
This time round, we took the longer route back from Chek Jawa...and because of that, I got to see one of the lovely quarries.  The emerald pool was so inviting, but the area has been cordoned off for safety reasons.  But hey, next trip we may just go around visiting all the quaries.

It is great to be able to get back to nature at Chek Jawa.
I am definitely going back again.
Anyone game to follow me?

A Gentle Reminder

For the past month, I have been indulging in a lot of things...
I have been a little extravagant, allowing myself to be comforted by a few material gadgets.

No excuses...
But I hope that I have not crossed the line.

So today, before I sleep,
I would recite the doa taubat (repentence prayer) to remind myself to be more discerning.

Bismillahi rahmani rahim.

"Oh my Lord I know I don’t deserve Your heaven

And yet your blazing wrath , I could never defend
So Lord rain down upon this lowly soul , Your forgiveness
Lord , you and you alone forgive
and wash away the most greivous sins
Ameen.