I am an Imploder

Kaboom!
That's why I suddenly jolted me up. It's around 3.45am now. I had been awake for more than an hour already.

I had not wanted to be reliant on medication.  No anti-depressants, no sleep-inducingvalium. I had thought that the tiring events of the day would allow my weary body to rest.
I guess I was wrong.

Kaboom!
One may not usually remember much of dreams.
But it had felt that a time bomb just went off in my mind.
Sleep was not restful at all.

The fragments of the day's events became a jumbled mess in my mind.
The scoldings, the fretting, ...the whole litany of unspoken words that remained imprinted were looking for an outlet.
Twice today, I had to walk out of the classroom.
Not because of anger, but because of tears.

It's that time of the year.
Wondering if I had done enough...if I had done my part
If I had been keeping to my 'amanah'

I cannot help but be emotionally involved...though it is their future; their lives.
I cannot switch off, and not wonder about the 'if onlys'

Dear God,
Guide me...and give me the wisdom to know my place, and my limitations.
Help me find the inner strength.
and...bless me with much needed sleep.
Ameen.