If You Believe

I've had another eventful week. I think that in my line of work, there will never be a 'dull' day, for something seems to happen unexpectedly...and no matter how many years of experience I have had, each situation will definitely be one that is ...er..a learning point.

But this is also a time, when I managed to get reconnected with some individuals whom I feel have made me think again, about how resilience, faith and perserverance can take a person far in life.

Firstly there is Ping.
He has always been quiet, unassuming, and the 'little boy' with the shy smile. He was overshadowed by his more outgoing and forthright classmates. Haha...my class of '96 will always be special to me...the babies who grew up with me.

Anyway, no one expected Ping to emerge top. I mean...it was impressive that he got his 5A1s then. He was the dark horse...whose attitude was..."never give up trying."
When he got in touch with me again (finally) via Facebook, it's so nice to hear that he has not changed much. He is still humble and polite, and now that he has a teacher for a wife, he tells her "not to look down on neighbourhood school's".

Kenneth decided to have a long chat with me again. Now that NS is finally going to end, he's gonna start to hit the books once more...but I know that his soul is restless. He has dreams...some of which may not be fulfilled by the traditional academic route. My advice for him is to hold on to those dreams first...but be pragmatic enough to get what is necessary for him to move on in life.

K too has come out of his 'under the radar' moods. He is more open, and calmer. The fiery temper has cooled, and he has learnt to control his wilful ways. That really puts my mind at ease.

Oh...before I forget, I must tell AB about how worried I am...this child wavers between melancholia and determined upswings...and I guess, I bear the brunt of some of the blunt remarks...they can be hurtful...but I understand where the reaction comes from. Hang in there.

I am still looking for a few lost sheep...some who has gone away to greener pastures, while some stayed away for reasons only they know. My prayers are that they are safe, wherever they may be...and that they know...there will always be people who understand and believe in them.

If you believe...
you make miracles happen.

Chinks in the Walls

Of late, I think I have been talking to Walls.
You know what walls can be like...cold and unresponsive.

Some walls are simply facades put up as part of the seemingly solid fortress so that nothing can get in. Some are there to deter others from finding out what is going on inside. Some are built to protect and shield.

Anyway, all walls do have chinks...and it is a matter of time before they break and fall. But I wonder if I have the patience to keep on trying.

It is not easy you know...and more often than not, I find myself knocking my head against the hard stones...and it can hurt...very very badly. I am getting tired of doing it.

Is it worth it to even try?
You tell me.
I am just to tired to think.
Just be careful of what you say and do...for I think I give up.

What is a Teacher

This goes out to the many unsung heroes in the line of education.
I found this poem by Gerald Grow, a journalist from www.longleaf.net .It is especially for those who have taken many of the kids under their wings and have moulded them through the years...and especially the younger ones...who need to feel that they are indeed doing the right thing.


What is a Teacher?

To a mind of flint, the teacher must be iron, and strike sparks. To the empty pitcher, the teacher becomes a well. To the fallow mind, a planter of seeds. To the cluttered mind, a gardener to weed, shape, and clear a space for growing.

To the lens, the teacher is light, and to the mind of light, a lens.

To the sleeper, the teacher is the wake-up call of birds at sunrise. To clay, the teacher is potter, sculptor, and trainer in self-shaping. To the wanderer, the teacher is a knowing guide. To the developed mind, the teacher is colleague, listener, friend.

To all, the teacher is a mirror that shows not only the self but the path and its choices, the task and its demands--the difficulties, the joys. To all and from all, the teacher is a learner, a person--and a prism through which the ordinary continuously reveals itself to be miraculous.
- Gerald Grow 1977 -

I want to add a few things of my own.
A teacher...is the one who helps to open doors and continues to open them...even if they get slammed in the face.
...is the one who catches when the child falls, and encourages him to believe he can stand again.
...is the one who must be surrogate parent ...when there is no role models around
...the one who has to be cruel in order to be kind...when the situation calls for it.
...teach about self-awareness when it is sorely lacking
...guides the child towards self-discovery
...works on both intuition, logic and love.
...learns to love the child unconditionally; correct the mistakes the child makes...and not hold it against the character.

A great teacher cares about humanity.

So to my heroes out there, I salute you...for being people I look up too. I still have a long long way to go.

Stay strong...and continue your good work.
I draw my inspiration from you.

Just me
The Effectively Ineffective One

Pain

Of all the pain I have ever experienced, there is one that is the hardest to bear. But before I discuss that, I want to talk about why I have been away from work lately.

I have written about my problem with Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.
I was relatively pain-free for almost a year, but then recently, the symptoms came back - from the numbness to the pins and needles and the intense aches. It seems to have crawled up behind to the neck area...and when that strikes, it hits the head too...cos the brain reacts to it and a mega-migraine gets triggered.

On Friday, I finally decided to do something about it. Of course, the young doctor's recommendation as a pain remedy was to inject the affected area...4 times. He got the cheek to tell me.."Go ahead and cry if you want to." Mind you, the last thing I wanted to do was to cry and embarrass myself. But ow..ow..ow...ow..

That was not the end of the story. I found the potency of some pain killers. For the first time ever, I received Valium...no wonder they are controlled substances. Sure it knocked me out...but have you ever felt stupid? I could not think straight...and though the pain seemed to have been erased...I could barely count to 10...or even retain short term memory. Scary....so had to go to the gp who told me that the 10mg dosage was way way too much (apparently..that's the amount they would use in mental patients only lah)

It's time to take stock to what I am doing.
And that is why the emotional pain comes in.
I stand to lose a lot of things...and I have to let go.

Will I ever have the courage to stand up and do it?
Time will decide...
In the meantime, I will pray that God will give me the strength and good health to carry on.

I am blessed to have my family who have been giving me support,
and some special kids...who are rallying around me.
Thanks Sky and K...thank you...thank you for believing in me.

Sleepless and Unsettled

I am more of a lark rather than an owl.
Years of habit has helped me spring up in the morning, and usually, I am bright and perky. But alas, the downside of that was trying to keep my eyes open after 10pm.

Even as a student, I would prefer to turn in early and then get up at about 3-4pm to study. In the still of the early hours of the morning, I find myself more at peace, and being able to concentrate fully. I enjoy the calm and tranquility , and almost nothing bothers me...the silence is oh-so-beautiful. When I pursued my Masters, it was more meaningful to read my notes at the wee hours before daybreak, for the mind is at peace.

But things have changed lately.
Why am I up so late?
While do I find myself restless and unsettled?

I rue the day when...just like Macbeth who was cursed with "Macbeth shalt sleep no more.."
I need my balm...to soothe my troubled mind.

(so if you see me with panda eyes...you know why)

Floored by Flaws

`In the midst of the excitment and chaos, something happened that made me question by priorities and values. We had been running around trying to manage the situation that had shaken our credibility.

Honestly, I had been fuming. It had taken quite a while for the individual to understand the repercussions of the actions done. At the back of my mind, I had to consciously tell myself the line of work that I am in...education...and the biggest part of that will be to guide, teach, care for and protect.

Then came the sms...Zarifah had sent a message that she was feeling unwell and had fainted in school. Her grandfather had picked her up and sent her to the doctor.

Immediately I called her up. I asked her why she had not asked the school to get in touch with me, or she herself call me. This was her reply.
"I told the school not to call you...because my Mama is very busy. I do not want to disturb you."

There and then...the tears fell. As I looked across the table, I saw someone else's child...that I had the responsibility to look after...no matter how much trouble that person was.

But what about my own?
What about my responsibility as a mother?
How had it come to a point where my kids think that others come first before them.

I am flawed...I have truly failed her.
I am so sorry Iffah...for letting you down.

This will bear weight on the decisions that I will make pretty soon.

And to Sky...
I tried...I tried...
To "AB"
No more stones...no more ripples

I Will Remember You

You suddenly appeared in my dreams and triggered memories long buried. I never thought that the first feeling that would emerge is pain.

Was it the song?
Was it the mind's pictures that replaying like a broken record?

You taught me how to dance...and yet clipped my wings

Yes, I will remember you.

Hold Your Head High ...and Keep Those Fists Down

The above title are lines taken from Harper Lee's famous novel,"To Kill a Mockingbird." In it, a father tells his child that despite whatever that will happen, and no matter how much you are taunted and provoked, and even though you think you are in the right, never let your allow your anger to get the better of you.

Anger is such a powerful force. It is also the easiest emotion to feel, and almost every single human being is capable of being angry. In school, I teach the kids a whole range of synonyms to describe this feeing...from the mild miff to a sense of outrage and being livid.

When I was young, I guess I was also once wilful and tempestuous. It seemed much easier to let the impulsive heart rule the head. I was angsty, moody , and there were days, when I was sure that the world was against me. Poor, misguided and misunderstood me once thought that I owed the world nothing. But I must qualify something...I was 'passive aggressive' ...meaning that like the dormant volcano, I would boil and simmer for so long until one day things blow up...and sometimes sadly, straight to my face.

In 'Merchant of Venice" Shylock was asked why he was so heartless and calculating. His reply?
"If you prick us, do we not bleed?/ If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you/ poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?" - II.i.58.
The play highlights our prejudices and our stereotypes...and how quick we are to judge others. When people hurt and pick on us, one of the most immediate reaction is to blow up.

But many of us forget...when anger consumes us, and we lose self-control, we are the ones who may end up losers. Is it a real shame , or a loss of face, if we just stand our ground, and keep our cool.

I guess anger is so prominent because it masks our fears and pain...wounds that stem from insecurities, and weaknesses. We are so frightened by our own flaws that we need to exert ourselves...using the negative power to make us feel we are in control.

I believe...like everything else, I have that choice to make whether or not I want to let anger get the better of me. Over the years, I realise that for me...I have bottled up my anger, and that is why when I have my periodic outbursts, I feel so ashamed.

If I control my anger, does that make me come across a wimpy and ineffective? Will others respect me less? I don't know..

But at the moment, I will keep my fists down...and make sure that the head rules.
I am more contented to being Oscar the Grouch...at least he's lovable...hehehe

A Drop of Ink...into a Pot of Milk

The above title comes from a Malay proverb, "Kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga". Those who are aware of what has happened, will understand the implication of this; and why it should be a sad day.

Our actions carry consequences...sometimes on a very large scale.
And just like ripples in the water...this stone that had been thrown in the water without thinking...is now splashing water on so many others.

I ask myself...
Why have I stayed?
Why do I feel so upset?
Why does it hurt?

My dear kids out there...
Dignity and integrity have to be restored.
Lets rebuild this together...and overcome.

A Letter to the Procrastinator

Dear One-who-is-Efficiently-Inefficient,

If time and tide waits for no man, or if time is money, why have you time and time again not moved? Why do you hold on so dearly to the adage of "There is always tomorrow?"

Benjamin Franklin once said, "To succeed, jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions." Doing the latter seems so much easier than the former...and you know the missed chances that have slipped away from your hands.

Do you not think of
- the goals you should be reaching?
- the dreams you should be fulfilling?
- the problems you should be solving?
- the projects you should be starting?
- the chances you should be seizing?
- the possibilities you should be examining?
- the decision you should be making?

Really...there are 24 hours in a day...and the sands of Time is slipping down the Hourglass as you while your time away.

Carpe Diem - Seize the day.
So before you truly being good at being bad (another oxymoron), please wake up...

Yours truly,
Me

Each Special Child

I had a good weekend. Physically in pain because of the carpal tunnel problem. But at least, my heart and mind were balmed by some individuals who restored my faith in the younger generation.

K appeared out of the blue. How long was it since I last heard from him?
This is one child who has tested me to the very limits...and who started my 'greying process'. I have long learnt to step back, and give him breathing space. This is the one who will go out of his way (?!!!) to try out the very things he knows he is not supposed to do, and will then tell it to my face. My rebel...my lost cause.

Time does mellow the inner frustrated wild child.
In its place, is a matured young individual. He can still drive in circles, and I do know his flaws..but definitely, this 'improved new version' is someone that I can look to with respect and belief. He has always had so many good things in him...it was just perhaps, he needed time to find himself. (Right K? hahaha...)

Then there is Sky.
What has Time done to someone who already has such a strong innate sense of responsibility? Maybe his greatest hurdle is self-belief...when he gets thwarted by the idea that there is always something lacking that will prevent him from reaching his true potential.

Sky is wise beyond his age; honed in perhaps by experiences that has shaped his character. He's got a long way to go, and he knows it. I know he is not likely to give up despite the challenges he faces. I enjoy touching base with him occasionally; for I know this is one whom I can trust, and he does not mince words with me.

And finally...the one whom I shall refer to as "Anak Bertuah" (hahaha...you know who you are right?)I know some of the things I said to you that evening, are not words that you want to hear...but I feel that those are the things that you should hear. The last thing I want to sink into is a state of apathy...or even...operate on a state where you are devoid of feelings.

There is a lot of uncertainties, and you waver.
Just like the other 2, one day, all these things you are going through will pass. I do acknowledge that you are very different individuals, and I should not make assumptions. But one day, I know you will be able to stand tall and proud again.

So to K, Sky & "AB"...thank you for an interesting weekend.

Unfounded Fears?

Should today's entry read snarl, hiss,snort, growl, howl, bark, spit, bray ....oops bray? No, the animalistic instincts have yet to overwhelm me, though the drawn line is getting very thin indeed.

I shall ask this rhetorically.
In all my years of being in this service, have I even been threatened before?
Today, someone said, "I want to beat you up."...not directly to my face though, but to a colleague who was trying to counsel another lost misguided soul. His cause of grievance towards me? - I had thwarted his every move to buy food from the canteen when it is not his time to do so.

Here is the dilemma. Now that I know, what should I do about it?
Kick up a big fuss, and stand up for my rights?
Or just ignore...and then hide behind pillars for fear that I will be pounced upon.

Sigh...
It's getting tough.
The mercury levels are rising...tempers are flaring, and blood pressure readings are shooting off the roof.

Need I be worried?
I worry more for the child ... who seemed to have lost his sense to rationalise. If each time he is unhappy with another person because his own needs are not met, and his desires are not fulfilled, then I cannot imagine the self-centred, wilful adult that he may turn into.

But just in case someone does beat me up to a pulp, do send me flowers and chocolates at the hospital ok?

Of Retail Therapy and What-Nots

I realise that of late, my entries have been pretty blah. Where has my sense of humour gone? Maybe, it is time to be whimsical again, and not try to reason things out. Trying to be logical is...double blah! Golly Gee...how come I can't even come up with apt words?

I don't care if I am writing logically consistent nonsense, or if I operate on the most flawed reasoning. I am quirky and idiosyncratic, and I guess capable of bouncing random thoughts that most of what I do are non sequiturs. You shall see what I mean.

Over the past weeks, I think that despite the current economic gloom, some of us would have gotten 'a little windfall' because of the contributions to the greater need of society (sounds more noble that PB right?)

Well anyway, the same gloom also brought about temptations in other new forms - the sales...well, are really SALES! Gosh, have you ever heard of a bling-bling warehouse sale before?

Warehouse sales...in the past, we used to trudge through the backwaters or some god-forsaken area to find the best bargains. Now they come in all air-conditioned comfort at the Expo and Suntec City - these cavernous Venus fly-traps which lure poor (pun intended) people to part with their money.

Anyway, there is a Sale Conspiracy. I kid you not.
How on earth did I end up with a mountain of fluffy, white, cottony pillows when at night I sleep with one?
Or that I queued up (patiently) for 2 hours at the Estee Lauder sale and end up with more than a year's supply of lipstick?
Or why did the range of Coach bags look more appealing than ever?
Or that I needed up with track shoes in the valiant hope that I will start exercising again?

But oh wait! That's not all.
The Maniacal Mechanical Monsters are at it again.
This time, my refrigerator will not freeze, and my washing machine will not spin...and they both 'died'...two months after their 5-year warranties are up.
I also wish that they will ban netbooks that come in a whole multitude of eye-catching hues that scream "Buy me...buy me!"

So what is the damage so far?
Sigh...my pocket is burned, and my brain has short-circuited.
But hey...why mull over post facto rationalisations?

Another long weekend is coming up, and I am anticipating another shop-till-my-husband's-jaw-drops session.
Anyone game?

Live & Let Live ?

It has been more than a week since I last wrote something. Within that week, many things have happened...the good, the bad & the downright ugly.

When the body is weak, it is easy to catch all kinds of pesky bugs in the air. But combined with a 'weak mind', the road to recovery seem to take forever. It is a vicious cycle...you are already down physically, and being mentally down does you no good.

Yes, the roller coaster ride is getting wilder and exciting...and even before I can catch my breath and find my sense of balance, I am being thrown up in the wind and hurtling down to earth.

I thought I had a high level of tolerance...but as age catches up with me, the maxim 'live and let live' gets harder to abide.

Why should I close my eyes and delude myself; when I see that things are not done right?
Why should I comprise my own values...even if they are 'so old-fashioned'?
Why should I pander to another person's whims and fancies?

One of the biggest question I have yet to answer is...whether or not I should continue with the things I do. Because if the answer is no...I may then question if what I have done for the past 20 years is right...or the correct thing to do...and that, is very, very scary.

Live, and let live...if only.
I will just hang on to this well-known poem as I ponder over things.

"God, give us grace to accept with SERENITY
the things that cannot be changed,
COURAGE to change the things which should be changed,
and the WISDOM to distinguish the one from the other.
- Reinhold Neburh-