A Happy Song

I woke up feeling a little better early this morning. I managed to say what I wanted to say to a certain someone, and the shoulders felt much lighter.  I had a good day too, in the company of the family and loved ones, listening to their endless chatter and animated 'discussions.'  And at night,  I cuddled a bundle of warm fur who snuggled up close to sleep with me.

I have decided to listen to a simple but happy song, to further boost my spirits.
I used to listen to it as a child; when life was much slower and less complicated then.

"All Kinds of Everything"
-by Dana

Snowdrops and daffodils

butterflies and bees
sailboats and fishermen
things of the sea
wishing-wells
wedding bells
early morning dew
all kinds of everything remind me of you

Seagulls and aeroplanes
things of the sky
winds that go howlin'
breezes that sigh
city sights
neon lights
grey skies or blue
all kinds of everything remind me of you

Summertime
wintertime
spring and autumn too
Monday
Tuesday every day
I think of you.

Dances
romances
things of the night
sunshine and holidays
postcards to write
Budding trees
autumn leaves
a snowflake or two
all kinds of everything remind me of you.

Summertime
wintertime
spring and autumn too
seasons will never change
the way that I love you.

Dances
romances
things of the night
sunshine and holidays
postcards to write
Budding trees
autumn leaves
a snowflake or two
all kinds of everything remind me of you.

All kinds of everything remind me of you.
(especially for you, my Blue Butterfly)

Dear God
Thank you for all your blessings and benevolence
I submit before you in gratitude
Ameen

One of THOSE days

Aw shucks...
I know I am on one of those downward cycles again.
I am not blaming anyone, but maybe...though I wish I am not able to absorb vibes so easily.
The radar tingles and my antennae is on high alert...and the colours I see are sober..

So this is for both me and you, and you and you....(I think you get it)

Some days, we all feel like it is better to hide under the sheets and not move at all.
Our expressions become dour, and for me, I find it so irritating when others are so chirpy.
That's when I want to 'enjoy' feeling downright miserable and sorry for myself.

Things will never always work the way I want to...all my good intentions are rejected, or misunderstood.
I think that people have let me down, and in return I let others down too.
Wounds fester, the spirit get broken, and scarily, it seems so easy to just give up and give in.

At times like this, the inner child voices a lot of negativity.
It is pessimistic and distrustful...

Who am I? What am I? Where am I going? How do I get there? Why? What for?
1 001 questions filled my already muddled head.

But today...is here.
Whatever was - is in the past.
The future is yet to be realised.

So two day, Dee...two days at most...
Though the prognosis is not good...claw up
Do not give up without a fight.

Dear God,
It is all in Your Hands.
Pasrah.
Ameen

Disappointment

I am disappointed.
At someone, because of something.

I wish I could just say it straight to this someone's face.
But I can't...because....
sigh...just because.

I suppose expectations have to be managed.
Mine will change...though I have no right to ask of that person.

Arrrghhhh....
Occasionally it is good to yell once in a while.
Let me blow my top...and maybe I will be calmer to discuss this through.

You let me down.

Lost

Today, as I am sitting at my table, I felt rather unsettled.  Yes, I do know I am bothered by something, be it the soft clicks I hear, or the voice that keeps talking to me in my head.
I have been in the office, mostly by myself this past week, and maybe the silence can be overwhelming.  To keep me a little grounded, I read.  And I came across this nice poem which I want to share.

Lost
by Dan Brown
Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd, I'm losing my breath.
Lost as a boy, lost as a man,
I need to grow up, don't think I can.

Lost as a person, can't find my way.
Lost in life, every day.
Lost in worry, who am I?
All my life, I've lived a lie.

Lost to kindness, lost to love,
Lost in a sky, like a new-born dove.
Lost in thought, which I shouldn't do,
It winds me up, I can’t get through.

Lost to comfort, all kind words,
Lost to advice, it isn't heard.
Lost to those who really care,
All these people, always there.

Lost in me, I need a break,
Lost in wonder, which road to take?
Lost in a place I don't know well,
Where are you now? There's no one to tell.

Lost here, all alone,
Lost apart from the mobile phone.
Lost still, there are no calls.
I'm struggling alone, to break these walls.

Lost in mind, lost in soul,
Lost memories, they're just a hole.
Lost family, lost mate,
Gone now, yet I'm full of hate.

Lost in a straight world, and I am gay,
Lost now, for what to say,
Lost in boredom, think I'll leave.
There's a lot in life I need to achieve.
-Dan Brown

Firstly, I am not sure if this Dan Brown is THE Dan Brown of the Da Vinci Code...
But whoever this poet is, well, he does capture the angst of many a 'lost' soul.


How does one get 'lost'?
In many different ways I suppose.
We don't each come with a manual that we can refer to as we go on our journey.
It is something that we all have to go through ourselves..
We all do not take the same road, and our obstacles are never the same.

Each person walks alone...but along the way, we sometimes have people who accompany us through various stages.
Those who are surrounded by others, find that they have a lot of support and guidance.
Those who are literally on their own...will somehow have to struggle through.

If we don't stop to ask for directions...we will lose our way.
When we do not stop and even question why we are travelling along that road...we may get lost even more.

And when we are lost,
search deep within ourselves...
maybe you will find the answers there

The Inner Child - I want to listen.

We all have fears...both rational and irrational ones.
One thing that is quite common is that we get frightened because we don't know...and when we 'don't know', we feel insecure. When insecurity sets in, we feel rather helpless and vulnerable.  Worse still, when we have little self-assurance, we are unsure whether we can even trust overselves.

We tend to talk to ourselves...whether aloud or in our heads.
Some of us then listen with our hearts, or allow the mind to rationalise the series of internal questions that pop up.
But how many times, do we give in to immature, wilful and sometimes downright silly thoughts that we have?  We claim to be able to think things through, yet the inner child within can be still very powerful.

An inner child...
Popular psychology refers to in as the childlike aspect of a person's psyche.
I think that the inner child is the 'mother to all our emotions'. It often reflects our deepest thoughts also which govern our immediate or spontenous reaction. Through education, experiences and conditioning, we sometimes learn to 'school and rein in' our child-like state. If one has had a positive childhood, the adult that emerges may be resilient, warm and fun...but if the inner child has been wounded, that is when the product can be rather disturbing.

Well, the topic of the inner child is complex and deep.
But I want to go back to the idea of talking with our inner child.
Since we do that all the time, do we really listen to ourselves?

As I grow older, I am very much aware of my Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personalities.
My outer personality is very distinct from my true self.  But that does not mean I am crazy. I just sometimes need the two to work in tandem.  I must make sure that one talks, the other is listening...and not just having an internal quarrel in my head. It is not a simple matter of reason and mature thoughts triumphing over the impulsive, carefree ones...

So lets start...

Dear God,
When things are tough, I know I can rely on you.
At the same time, help me to become strong too...in character, spirit, and in mind.
Do not let my faith waver...and help me let others see, the wonders of Your Ways.
Ameen

Of porcupines, rabbits and those who need to find love

Yesterday I got poked.
Very badly by a porcupine whose defense mechanisms were on full alert.
It was my fault actually.
The porcupine did not do anything, but I had tried to touch it.  And that was when the quills came up automatically.
One stabbed right through...and I am bleeding right now.

Maybe I am in a melancholic mode, and somehow managed to pick up a book that I want to speak about.
It has been a long time since a book moved me to tears, especially one that is written for a target audience of between 8-12.  But believe me, those of who who have read this, will understand the power of the theme the writer, Kate DiCamillo has put across so stirringly.

The title is " The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane".
Very simply, it is a tale of a beautifully crafted rabbit made out of fine china.  The tale is narrated from this toy's (Edward) perspective.  He was created prefectly, and thought that he was the best thing ever. He was so full of himself.  He needed nothing and no one.  He was incapable of feelings because he was just porcelain, but he forgot that he was breakable.  But fate had a lot in store for him...and through a series of events, he learnt a lot about human values and feelings...and he learnt to love in return.

Maybe I am just in a soppy mood right now.
But that was something in the telling of such a simply story that made it deeply moving for me.  While one wonders if Edward was actually worthy of love in the first place made me wonder about most of the porcupines I have known.

Some people crave for love.
Others have learnt to exist without it.  It is the latter group that makes me sad.
Circumstances, past events, personal experiences have made the creatures fortify themselves so tightly that they will not allow anything or anyone in.  They claim many things...like they do not need to, they don't want to,..and that emotions get in the way of the things they want.  But they forget that negative emotions....well, are emotions too.
There is a deep , gaping void...
All that have been damned up will come crashing through if one reaches breaking point.
Just like in the story, his owner, Abilene said, " Be careful...He's made of china. He'll break."
When breaking point comes,  sometimes, it is also a point of no return.

For me, I am running away from prickly porcupines at the moment.
They cause too much hurt.

For my comrade-in-arms

It is the end of the academic year, and the corridors of the schools have fallen quiet.  The loud and familiar noise I am used to have faded.  While I seem to be more busy than usual the past two weeks, the silence is a reprieve.

It is a time to take stock of what has been done in 09...both the good and the bad.
It is also the moments when I ponder on the direction to take.
We learn from our mistakes and move on.

I know I have made a promise to stay.  And I will hold on to that promise.
Once I have fulfuilled my obligations, I will go, as quietly as I can.

But the promises I made are not the only things that is keeping me sane.
I think, my sentiments are best expressed to the prose below.

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

by: Taylor Mali


The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about teachers:
"Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."

I decided to bite my tongue instead of his and resisted the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers. Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.

"I mean, you¹re a teacher, Taylor," he says.  "Be honest. What do you make?"
And I wish he hadn't done that ( to be honest) because, you see, I have a policy about honesty and ass-kicking:
If you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

"You want to know what I make?"

"I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best."

"I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence.
No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why."

"I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:  I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen."

"I make parents see their children for who they are and what they can be."

"You want to know what I make?"


I make kids wonder,


I make them question.


I make them criticize.


I make them apologize and mean it.


I make them write, write, write.


And then I make them read.


I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely


beautiful over and over and over again until they will never misspell


either one of those words again.


I make them show all their work in math.


And hide it on their final drafts in English.



I make them understand that if you got the brains
then you follow your heart
and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make,
you pay them no attention

Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:

I make a goddamn difference!
What about you?


Well put, Taylor Mali.

There will always times when my friends and I question ourselves why we stay in the profession. For sure, it is not about the money. 
So perhaps the answers lie in what instrinsically motivates us...and that is...the kids.

For Paulus - The Mystery of Life

This is for you, Paulus.

You have asked me a question that many have asked .  "What is life?"
Philosophers, great thinkers, scientists, theologists and even the humble man on the street ponder on that.  There are no complete answers; no consensus, no ready book available with the title "How to live."

Life is a journey of self-discovery.  And how you live out your life, will mark the milestones in your life.
I suppose the easiest way to explain this to you is to quote Shakespeare, from Much Ado About Nothing.

"All the world's a stage,

And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' brow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything." — Jaques (Act II, Scene VII, lines 139-166)

I know that is a whole mouthful.
But in that monologue, the character reflects upon the 7 stages of Man...from birth, a 'whiny schoolboy,' the teenager in love, the idealistic soldier (youth), the justice (or a man making his mark in the world),  an age of wisdom and finally, when man dwindles into second childhood. That basically sums up the whole cycle of life we all go through.

But in this one, perhaps we will look at it from a framework drawn by a well-known psychologist and researcher, Erik Erikson who said that all of us go through 8 stages in our social, emotional and intellectual development.
1. Building Trust and Hope ( 1st 2 years of life)
2. Gaining Autonomy & Individual Will ( 3-4 years)
3. Learning Initiative and Purpose
4. Developing Self-competence (school age))
5. Searching for Self-Identity (teen - youth)
6. Finding Love (young adult)
7. Generative Care
8.Integrity and Wisdom.

You can find more if you do your search engines.

But where are you now?
Probably betwen 4 - 7.
As a youth, you struggled with many things in your search your 'yourself'.  That is when you find yourself as a separate entity from your parents...trying to find the right fit of friends ...trying to understand your values.
For some, this stage is one filled with angst.
You hate being constrained, you think that you are right,and that sometimes, the whole world is against you.  No one seems to understand you.  It is a time when you feel like breaking all conventions just to test.

At that point of life, you struggled with a lot of issues.
There was always that question, "Why me?" or "Who am I?"
And that is why, young people need to look out for others.  You look for like-minded friends, and yearn for special compansionships.  Your body, mind and soul look out for those who can fill this void...this emptiness. However, you may not be ready to be tied down yet...the world is such a exciting place...to explore, to try new things.

If you have partly found yourself, you slowly develop a sense of direction as to where you want to go.
However, this is also the time when you are thrown into 'the real world' full of its harsh realities and hardships.  You are idealistic, and full of drive, but find your attempts thwarted at every direction.

I hope I am making sense to you.
I think you are filled with a little bit of nostalgia at the moment; thinking about how good it would be like to be able to go back to school, and just worry about exams...and not about life.
You have yet to make your mark in the world, and that takes a lot out of your own sense of self-confidence and self-worth.
And that is why, you become very uncertain of what your next move should be.  You want to do so much, but each time you find yourself running smack into obstacles; one after another.

Maybe, I will let you ponder about that for today.
I will get back ...and share my experiences about how to cope with that.

Take care.

Shaken & Stirred

Within a short space of 3 days, many things happened.
And since I know that you will be reading this, I hope you will understand some of my references here.

Firstly, I am still on the topic of the DISC.
I am reflecting on how I perceive my environment, and how I respond to it.
Ok...

I am the high S, high C.(at the other extreme, comes the low D. low I)
Technically, this profiling all came about from choices...both the positive and negative choices I have made, and how they now shape my outlook of things.
Positive psychology looks into areas where one must leverage on one's strengths in order to propel one towards achieving one's goals.  But we all have our cynical and skeptical sides right.

Why have I seem to 'reject' things I once used to enjoy?
I think I was outgoing, gregarious, fun-loving and enthusiatic.
I grew up around so many people, and the nature of my job makes me want to be around people.
Why have I allowed myself to grativate towards introverted tendencies?

Experiences can change a person, both consciously and unconsciously.
I have reached a stage in my life where I am comfortable with who I am..
I love being with my family, and my circle of friends are the selected few.  I touch base with people around me via other means.  There is no longer a great need to be a social butterfly...that is too stressful.
I understand my father a lot better now...while mum makes it a point to go around and physically meet up, abah finds comfort around those who really mean a lot to him.

So what have I become?
Lets see if any of these hit the nail on the head?
By being a low D, I am subservient and docile. I allow people to walk over me. (But for you: I hope you see now why I blew up...Both of us patience have their limits...so while I am used to your short explosions,...you need to understand that when I blow, the eruption is just short of a major catastrophe).I have learned many bitter lessons in the work place, and thus, I am less trusting.  When I remain quiet and observant, others are not sure what I am thinking. Pragmatism has its merits, but I seem to have lost my spirit and my drive.

I want to quote something from my personal profile:
"Your tendency to follow procedures and rules in both your personal and professional life means that you are usually restrained in my emotions. In fact, an aura of cautious deliberation may often surrond you.  Even under pressure, you are likely to remain tactful and diplomatic."

Yes...I have chosen that.
I have chosen to, on many occasions hold my tongue and not say what I truly feel.
I have chosen to remain rational and in control....for I fear that when I don't do that, I will be utterly lost.
I have learned to think before I speak, and always be mindful of others.
And in the end, I end up being a very frustrated person, channelling all the negative energy elsewhere.

Saturday....
I guess it was a day of reckoning.
And I hope that we both learnt important lessons from that incident.
"You are likely to fear antagonistic behaviour, which may be because your sense of self-worth is not as high as it could be. it might help you to realise that you tend to define your value too much by what you accomplish, rather than by who you are as a person."
We are similar, and yet different.  What holds us together are the values and beliefs.
I fear that when fire is fought with fire...we both get burnt.
It's a hard lesson we learnt
One I will not forget easily.

Really shaken,
Really stirred
Really on the rocks.

DISC Prolifing & Revelations

I attended an interesting workshop on Friday. As a part of the effort to move forward, members of the SMC got ourselves profiled with the DISC tools.  By doing this, we got to gather a few insights on what kinds of personalities we are intrinsically, what we can become at work, and what drives or pressurise us at work.

I have done StrengthsQuest, and the 360 Feedback, and as far as I know, they both have revealed why I do the things I do, and what causes me to feel lacking in the things I do.  I recognise my plus points, and no matter how much I try, when I simply concentrate on overcoming my weaknesses, I end up being mediocre. Why? Simply because in the way things are run now, I am not able to leverage on my best aptitudes.  Positive attitude alone will not work, and in the long run, if there is no equity, I find myself in a rut.

Back to DISC.  What did it reveal?
Nothing new...that I am indeed a High S, High C....in short, the one who keeps peace at all costs to the point of being anal retentive! Hahahahaha.
I am the steady and compliant.  In the given grid, I fall under the Receptive category."These people are retiring and unobtrusive, and are reluctant to act unilaterally. They may be amiable in approach, or simply reserved and unresponsive, depending on their particular circumstances."

Is it really me? Has age mellowed me so much?
I used to think of myself as a firebrand; a tempest.  While growing up, I was gregarious and outgoing.
Mr Hyde has overwhelmed Dr.Jekyll.....Bruce Banner has tamed the Incredible Hulk.

Hence the stress factors.
While I used to get high out of socialising and meeting people,...I am on my way to becoming a recluse?
And that is why, I am getting stressed lately.  I used to think  I would easily work  with people and get along with them...by driving them forward.
Now?  My profile says..."Hey, let me do my work...alone, and I will do it well."
So what kind of leader am I now?....a pretty isolated and terribly closed-up one.

True...I am a planner. I got lots of ideas and want to do them well.
Haha...see how I colour coordinate my clothes and things at home.  I am loyal to a fault.
Changes upset me (haha...and I thought I was impulsive and flexible)
The truth out there shows...because I think and think and think and think...sometimes, I never get things done.

Well, I know that my strengths is that I am tactful and diplomatic.  Avoid confrontation at all costs...and sadly, it cost me ...for being assertive is not my forte.  I will need to work on this, and not be too willing to try to save the situation.  I need to learn to ask for help.  When confronted with a problem. I am the sponge that aborbs everything, and then when the burden is too much, I crumble under the weight, and ignore the problem altogether as if it does not exist.

Whoa...this is tough, but the insights give me certain clarity.
I am now certain, that my current position is not suitable for me....I am not the main player,,,but an excellent team player...Give me a supporting role, and I make sure, I will make sure I give the best of my knowledge and strength.

The combine profiles now lie with one person.  I hope she has the insight too...to do the reflection and see the bigger piece.
So please please understand...
I want to stay....I like being where I am, but not with what I do.
But I will be more effective when I am able to do the things I love.

Dear God,
I am learning to  accept what I am now, and how I have come to this stage.
Please help others to accept me too.
Ameen

DISC Prolifing & Revelations

Gandhi - 7 Blunders of the World

Wealth Without Work

Pleasure Without Conscience

Knowledge without Character

Commerce without Morality

Science without Humanity

Worship without Sacrifice

Politics without Principle


He was indeed a wise man.

Short Work & Tall Orders

It has not been a good start of the week.
Though I have cleared a lot of physical stuff, I need to get rid of emotional and mental baggage too.
They are the heaviest ones to shoulder.

Aound me, tempers are running short; including mine.
We are all snapping and barking.
Nothing seems to make us happy. 
And when we are unhappy, we make others unhappy too.

What's causing all these?
Misperceptions, miscommunication, (lack of it too) and one thousand and one things under the sun)
Things done, not done, not done properly, cannot be done....done for?

Arrrrgh...
Not good...not good.
The way to go is to snap out of this.

Dear God,
Keep me calm and sane.
I will survive this.
Ameen.

When love dies

It was strange.  This past week, a few people fielded me with questions about 'Love'.
I am no expert, and am still at times, pondering over it's significance.  This is one topic that lends itself to a whole spectrum of responses, and I must say, it really depends on the individuals.

The ancient Greeks, have 4 different words for love.
Agape - the traditional form of love - of happy thoughts and good feelings {Charity)
Eros - more of an attraction of desire, of passion and romance
Philia - the kind of comfortable feeling ...maybe between friends (Friendship)
Storge - affection ...like that of a parent for a child.(Affection)
(do read it up for yourself if you are interested)

But the one that really took me off guard, was this one.
The message was not one of hope.
"What happens when love dies?"

As it is, Love is such a complex emotion that it may , on the surface, seem easy to get rid of once it is no longer there.  But because love starts and grows from a certain point, it may have rooted deep within a person, and it is not easy to just let go.  We cannot switch on and off our emotions that easily.

Sadly, many a times, people get involved in relationships, or friendships, or even get married because they think they are 'in love'.  For some, it is the idea of falling in love with that idea itself that adds on to the confusion. Plus different perceptions of what love ought to be...we see now why, in an age of instant gratifications, marriages break down, and people are cynical about the idea.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."- Anonymous

I know this is getting mushy.
But back to the question again...what does one do when love dies?

Again there are no answers.
You choose...
a) to allow it to die, and move on
b) to try and re-ignite the spark
c) do a lot of soul searching
many,many options.

But don't forget one sad fact.
Yeats said, "Hearts are not had as a gift.. Hearts are earned.."
You must have one loved the other person, and now, search deep within yourself to keep just a tiny portion of that...so that they will not be replaced with strong, intense hate instead.

Be strong, dear one.
May god be with you.

Happy Birthday, Mak

Today, my mother reached a new milestone in her life.  She turns 70.  And like my sister puts it, "She looks damned good for her age." Alhamdulillah.

I think mak is enjoying herself at the moment. I am grateful for that, and she is certainly blessed.
Her growing years were difficult, because she was raised in a family of 10, with her as the youngest girl at no 7. (there would have been about 14 altogether, though 4 died at birth or childhood).  Her father, my grandfather whom I never got to meet, drove a 'casket' bus: - something convenient looking at the number of his brood.  My late grandma was a smart but tight-fisted woman who raised her brood somehow when she became a widow shortly after the birth of her youngest son.

Mak came under the care of Tok Hamid, (her mother's brother) who was one of the rare Malays who managed to get some education, and was a clerk at a government office. His own family was small (3 kids - rarity then), and he ensured that she too had some education.  So mak went to school and made it far enough to become a teacher.  But in general though, her life was still very very hard.

Mak was (and still is), a pretty lady.  (haha...yes, only my sis inherited those genes).  She was particular about the way she carried herself..."never mind if you are poor...but never be poor in values". That is one of her beliefs.  And she is such a people-person, that she goes around making friends to anyone she meets.

She met Abah...and in this area of love, she is one of the luckiest women in the world.  He adores her, and till today, panders to her whims and fancies.  I know of many other couples who envies their closeness.  Mum can sometimes be hard to please, but Abah has the patience of a saint when it comes to the idiosyncracies of his wife.

I grew up with a mother who worked...unlike so many of my Malay peers who had stayed home mothers.  The house ...er...just like mine right now...was perpetually in a state of mess, but that did not matter.  Sometimes there was no home cooked meals waiting, but we got by. 

Dare I say that I had always been the good, obedient child?
Somehow, she had drummed into me not to be wilful, though I picked up her sensitivities and impulsive nature.  I rarely had those clash of personalities arguments.  My sis says it is because I tend to take after my dad, in allowing things to slide.  Sis and mum though, are so alike that sparks fly when they disagree.

But mak made a lot of sacrifices.
And I see it so clearly now.  She was 'not there'...while I grew up, so now, she throws her energies into my kids.  She is their teacher, guide, friend, nagger, and grandmother.  She showers them with so much, and practically takes over some of the parenting role when I am not around.

I am so lucky and blessed.
Happy Birthday Mak.
May Allah Bless you always.  I pray for your good health, and that you will have a long, serene and contented life.  May you always be surrounded by love and happiness.
Ameen.
Love, Dibah

Walking in another person's shoes

There is a quote that I love from Harper Lee's classic," To Kill a Mockingbird."  In it, little Scout learns the meaning of empathy and acceptance when she was told, "•You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it."

We all know that no two people are alike.  And from there, many problems arise.
We all have our own beliefs, views, perceptions, values, philosophies of life; whatever.  Very often, as humans, we find it difficult to really see eye-to-eye over many issues. Man go to war over differences like these today.

Why is it so hard to walk in another man's shoes?
For one, it does not fit.  It does not feel right, nor does it seem right.
Yet if we make the effort and try, things may be a little different.

As a teacher, sometimes I think what it means to sit on the other side of the table.
From there, I learn about challenges , fears, frustrations and the need to have someone to keep believing in me.
I remind myself to have fun...for as I grow older, I seem to do that less and less.

As a mother, I remember what it was like being a giddy teen, wanting to make my mark in the world, or as the insecure teen who worries over friendship , and school, and self-image. Or as a tween...not an adult, and not so much a baby either, and not knowing when to behave as which.

As woman....hahah...shall I even discuss this?
Like a colleague once remarked to his male friend the other side, "Hey, can you please move back downstairs? There's too much estrogen talking in the room!" Hahaha.
Short of sparking off a gender war, I do make the effort to sense and reflect how men would feel and react (or is it the other way around?!)

But, walking in another person's shoes is an art by itself.
It is always very challenging. It is never easy.
If you want to do it, you really have to leave your mental, emotional and intellectual baggage behind.
And prepare yourself to embrace a whole new world sometimes...and it may not be something that you are ready for.

The art of walking in another person's shoes...seriously, means not using your head to rationalise things.
Because when you do that you are still measuring the other person by your own yardstick.
You cannot really question and shoot it down. You have to suspend beliefs and hold your tongue.

The art of doing so means;-
You have to FEEL like that person...to eat, breathe, think, react, communicate...in short, BE that other person for a while.
And when you finally SEE things through his eyes , sensations and experiences, hopefully , the understanding will come in.

So if there is any amongst you, who have attained such wisdom,
Teach me so I can learn.

In Full Bloom

I am home today...
It is the blessing I find; though being sick is not fun.
And yesterday's traumatic experience is something I do not wish to repeat.

As I scanned the papers this morning, something in the Forum Page of the Straits Times caught my eye. All the hullabaloo over the PSLE exam papers was put into perspective by a reader, Mr Ee Teck Tee.

I would like to quote these lines:
What is unfortunate is that in Singapore, a student's future is so often determined by just one examSome flowers which blossom late can also be of matchless beauty. Not doing well in any exam does not mean a student is inherently poor in that subject

His metaphor of the late bloomers remind us that it is high time that parents themselves stop pushing their children into the direction of academic success alone. Good results do not necessarily equate to a better future in today's context; neither do they reflect the 'quality' of the individual.

I will not be in school today to face parents. Like I once wrote on my updates on FB, "Red marks, red eyes & red faces - I hope that parents will not equate failure in exams to mean that the child is a total failure!"

I have seen my fair share of 'late bloomers'...and by God's will, how beautiful that can be. A child who was dogged with mediocre marks came to see me; head downcast and parents who could not understand "how come this one is so different...big brother and sister are university graduates...blah..blah.." This child however, had a gift. Give him a sketch pencil and a paintbrush, and caricatures come alive. He had a 'wicked'sense of humour, and I enjoyed many an afternoon listening to his ascerbic and witty exchanges with his peers. Today, he is a copywriter for one of the newspapers, and I am confident that he will make his way up.

I cannot speak enough of KC...who till today sometimes find it hard to shed his "I am just poly while they are high-fliers from top JCs."...For the umpteenth time, let me tell you, you earned your place there. By your own merit. What you may lack in terms of IQ, I am confident you will get by with your EQ and AQ.

The year end brought a mix bag of results from my own children. It was not the numbers of As scored, nor was I terribly upset by the U grades that appeared. It does not mean I am laid-back or not concerned. It meant that I value the effort and determination I saw behind those marks. I do try to accept the aptitude of each child,and understand appreciate that that the attitude in their approach will hopefully mean that there are in good stead to face the challenges of the future.

One of the plus points of staying in my school...is that I do get to see my true gems shine.
And I hope, that many more will continue to do so.

God,
A prayer of hope today for the many many buds which have yet to bloom.
Show the world that they too, can be spectacular someday.
Ameen.

When they all break down

One by one...
The signs are telling me something, and that I really need to watch out.
I know what I should be doing.
Yet, why do I chose to put them aside?

Have been up all night.
My threshold of pain is lower now.
Up there, something hammers incessantly
while the nerves get stretched to taut fragile lines.

Pain...is not good for sanity.

Child - Sylvia Plath

This is written by one of my favourite poet, Sylvia Plath

Child
Your clear eye is the one absolutely beautiful thing.
I want to fill it with color and ducks,
The zoo of the new

Whose names you meditate ---
April snowdrop, Indian pipe,
Little

Stalk without wrinkle,
Pool in which images
Should be grand and classical

Not this troublous
Wringing of hands, this dark
Ceiling without a star.



Her poems are sometimes dark and troubled, mirroring the inner recesses of her own mind. But dig deeper, and you will see the beauty in her style and the creativity of her imagery.

Does everything come with a price?

Over the past months, I have been following the progress of someone whose outlook on things sometimes run counter to my own beliefs and thinking. I have found myself wavering between hope and despair, with many many moments of exasperation in between.

Some asked me point blank why I even bother. Why would I allow someone, who clearly has an extremely strong will, affect me...It is most likely that he does not even realise that he has that ability to rattle me. Nor does this person seem to care about the way I feel.

I cannot answer that.
I know, that in God's grand scheme of things, somehow, this person is the one whom He entrusted upon me.
Yes, I know I speak of 'choices'...but even when I made the decision to draw the line, the chain of events that follow will ultimately lead me back to square 1.
So I accept my challenge, and I will follow through.

By right, this child is no different from the rest.
All have their stubborn streaks and moments of wilfulness. All caused heartaches and heartbreaks along the way. I have learnt to pick up the broken pieces and move on. Though I do not know if I will survive this one...or will be around long enough to follow through.

This child is a bundle of contractions if I may say so.
Detached, pragmatic and such a realist...that he unwittingly and silently screams for attention. Short of being cold and callous...he behaves in a manner as such because, he thinks is such - devoid of any capacity of feeling.There are times when I feel that my presence in his life must be likened to that of an annoying mosquito, buzzing around, trying to suck blood out of him. And yes, I have been felt the sensation of being smacked to death and flicked away.

But interestingly, nothing is ever good enough.
If you go deeper, it means that at least this person is capable of feeling albeit seemingly negative ones. And what follows, I see, is someone who is so scared of feelings that all are suppressed, never to be opened. It is so much safer that way. So "kill..or be killed".

To him, things that happen come at a price. Consequences of actions all reflect a cost; and the scales of the balance fall into disfavour because of one shortcoming, a flaw, or just plain bad luck. The actions of the future are all governed by what is done badly or not done in the past.

I find that very sad. A 'cost' deemed as the price one pays for actions; the toll, the sacrifice, the loss, the penalty, the damage incurred.

There is nothing I can do at the moment to change this. Even if I were to drop dead tomorrow will likely not have an impact.

But...I look up above, and I remember my amanah.
I will not give up on this child...at all costs.
Cost of being there for a child,any child , is priceless.
This is my duty, and I chose to do it willingly.

Dear God,
There are days...you know what I mean.
Do not let my own fears and insecurities overwhelm me.
Guide me.

Ameen.

When Words Fail...

When the words fail...
Music speaks
and sends a message of harmony within
with its soothing or uplifiting melodies.

When words fail...
A hand declares your frustrations, anger or despair
And reaches out for comfort, assurance and hope.

When words fail...
A face voices the myriad of emotions
Of your fears, hurt or joy.
The eyes mirror quiet thoughts
through the tears that fall.

When words fail...
A head is bowed in soundless prayer
What matters, is that you are 'just there'
Saying nothing... yet doing so much.

What words fail...
Pictures of the mind can
Dance with the pen to utter it all.

When words fail...
You don't.
Silence…is power.

I Salute You,My Esteemed Friend

Over the past months, I have suspended my writing for some many reasons. Instead, I spent my time trawling other blogs; in particular, one which belonged to a very special individual. She is relatively new to the blogging world, and yet, she has managed to fill it up with so many beautiful and interesting things. And I just love the way she puts things into perspective.

Her style is definitely different. Yet most of the time, the topics we touch on are quite similar. We share a common passion...a love for the kids. But she works wonders with them.

She gives her all...and I am nowhere a fraction near her level of compassion and kindness.

Dear friend,
I know why you do the things you do...and what drives you.
And as for your latest decision, I respect you for being brave to take that extra difficult step. You have a lot more courage than I do...for I have been trying to do the same things for two years now but did nothing.

I'll be watching and praying for you.
That you remain strong and resolute.
Thank you.