Does everything come with a price?

Over the past months, I have been following the progress of someone whose outlook on things sometimes run counter to my own beliefs and thinking. I have found myself wavering between hope and despair, with many many moments of exasperation in between.

Some asked me point blank why I even bother. Why would I allow someone, who clearly has an extremely strong will, affect me...It is most likely that he does not even realise that he has that ability to rattle me. Nor does this person seem to care about the way I feel.

I cannot answer that.
I know, that in God's grand scheme of things, somehow, this person is the one whom He entrusted upon me.
Yes, I know I speak of 'choices'...but even when I made the decision to draw the line, the chain of events that follow will ultimately lead me back to square 1.
So I accept my challenge, and I will follow through.

By right, this child is no different from the rest.
All have their stubborn streaks and moments of wilfulness. All caused heartaches and heartbreaks along the way. I have learnt to pick up the broken pieces and move on. Though I do not know if I will survive this one...or will be around long enough to follow through.

This child is a bundle of contractions if I may say so.
Detached, pragmatic and such a realist...that he unwittingly and silently screams for attention. Short of being cold and callous...he behaves in a manner as such because, he thinks is such - devoid of any capacity of feeling.There are times when I feel that my presence in his life must be likened to that of an annoying mosquito, buzzing around, trying to suck blood out of him. And yes, I have been felt the sensation of being smacked to death and flicked away.

But interestingly, nothing is ever good enough.
If you go deeper, it means that at least this person is capable of feeling albeit seemingly negative ones. And what follows, I see, is someone who is so scared of feelings that all are suppressed, never to be opened. It is so much safer that way. So "kill..or be killed".

To him, things that happen come at a price. Consequences of actions all reflect a cost; and the scales of the balance fall into disfavour because of one shortcoming, a flaw, or just plain bad luck. The actions of the future are all governed by what is done badly or not done in the past.

I find that very sad. A 'cost' deemed as the price one pays for actions; the toll, the sacrifice, the loss, the penalty, the damage incurred.

There is nothing I can do at the moment to change this. Even if I were to drop dead tomorrow will likely not have an impact.

But...I look up above, and I remember my amanah.
I will not give up on this child...at all costs.
Cost of being there for a child,any child , is priceless.
This is my duty, and I chose to do it willingly.

Dear God,
There are days...you know what I mean.
Do not let my own fears and insecurities overwhelm me.
Guide me.

Ameen.