Grandma - Memories of growing up

I dreamt of Nenek again last evening.
When the mind is not at ease, unconsciously I think of things which give me comfort.
I saw her in a corner, just watching over me as she went about her chores...just like she used to when she was alive....even down to the beetle leaves cud she perpectually chewed in her mouth.

Like I said before, Nenek was not openly affectionate; unlike Nek Tor who used to shower me with lots of hugs, pats and kisses. I used to wonder if she loved her grandchildren at all...but I guess her brood of 35 was simply to large, or that she seemed to be so busy cooking up a storm to constantly feed people.

When one was young and impressionable, it was easy to believe those who insisted that she was not an easy woman to get along with. She was extraordinarily careful with money...and was great with numbers (I think if she went to school, she would have aced Maths!) There were those who felt she was so ... er stingy.

Once, as a naive child, I played one grandmother against the other. I was staying with Nenek for the holidays, and I was whining away...asking for some form of treats. Nenek firmly said no, and said that she would whip up for me some 'gandos' - a floury coconut mixture for tea. But I had wailed, and called up my godma, and within the hour, she and Nek Tor appeared at Nenek's doorsteps with a whole bowl of delicious golden deep fried bananas (my favourite).

Nenek said nothing upon the arrival of her guests. She had graciously invited them in; knowing fully well of my scheming ways. The only time when she betrayed her true feelings was when I caught a fleeting look on her face as she placed her gandos on the table, and I miffed at it. I saw her clouded eyes, and crestfallen expression as Nek Tor lovingly fed me the bananas I relished.

It was then that I knew...the power one of love...and how that it can also hurt. Nenek had cared...so much that it upset her that her own flesh and blood would choose someone else over her.

I am not sure if I ever apologised to her over that incident. I wish I did.
Nenek & my beautiful Nek Tor...may your souls rest in peace and be in Allah's grace. Ameen. I miss both of you so much.