Restless & Unsettled

It has almost been a year since I moved my blog to this site. And as I read back my previous entries, I found that while most of my entries have been written specifically for some people, now I tend to pen down more personal ramblings.

Do you what is hard? It is having to balance between the public and private me...and how being in the line that I am in, I have to make the conscious effort to edit my thoughts.

In the past, I used to write in diaries. I still keep many of them...a little faded now in my scrawled writing. They are too precious to be thrown away...even though there are many, many embarrasing entries. But most of the time, they are the truth...about how I felt at that moment.

A blog is different...when one writes in a blog, one knows that it will be read...sometimes by people that you would never expect to read them. And this could have many repercussions.

A while back, I received a private response...someone who said "Get real...you are so fake."
That disturbed me a lot...for I have tried not to step on other's toes, and refrain from making unnecessary comments. I have always invited feedback from those who read...but I was not prepared for a personal attack like that...especially since I do not know the identity of the person who made that remark.

I suppose that I am still very much a dreamer...who hopes that good will somehow prevail over the bad and evil. But what happens what hope runs thin?

Sometimes, when things do not go well, I find myself in a precarious situation. It would be oh so easy to just throw in the towel and give up...retreating to a corner will be the safest thing to do. But in life, there will be always hard choices to be made...and we have to do things which we will never be completely happy about. I hold up the mirror to keep reminding myself that I need to be accountable for the words I have said, and the values I uphold.

But I am so restless...
I need to get back on a even keel..
I feel like a boat without a rudder.
...and I need to find my way again.

Dear God,
I need your strength now...to make me understand and make sense.
Everything happens for a reason...and I need the courage to be able to accept too.
Ameen