Taking Stock

School has ended....technically.
Term ended almost a month back, and I wonder why I don't seem to have much things done.

Let's take stock.
Maybe not...for there seems to be more things left undone rather than done.
The easiest excuse would be just to say that "really...there's so much work"...but I feel that partly the fault lies in the procrastination of a lot of things.

It really has been an eventful November.
To those who know...a time of great shock and disappointment.
It was also a time of hellos and many goodbyes.

The batch of 2010 have graduated.
I think it was a simple, but meaning night..."Sparkles and Jewels".  It marked the last time I would be organising this event. It's part relief...someone else will take over, and maybe breath some life into it.  It's tough when the thing is supposed to be self-funding.  But I will miss doing it for the kids ( I wonder if they appreciate this though)

I said goodbye to a few colleagues and good friends.  Their presence will be sorely missed.  Rab has always been a rock...rarely unflustered, and keeping a clear mind of things. I really enjoyed working with her.  Keng Wee...what can I say? I hope that he takes a good break. 


Why is it that people only appreciate what others have done when they are no longer around?

Me?
I have not been courageous.  I wanted out..but only got perhaps 2 toes out.
I will still do the main job, but to pull out completely is not possible.
Perhaps, one more year. We shall see.

My own children...they have grown.
The little one is on his way to sec school. I am proud of you, Akmal.
The girl...wow...she is facing a major exam next year.
And the eldest...NS soon.
It's like a new chapter in my life.

Dear God,
Thank you for all your blessings.
Thank you for looking out for my family and loved ones
Thank you for showing me the way.
I still need guidance and your Nur.
Do not forsake me.
Ameen.

Audi partem alteram

I am here to give my views...not to argue; nor to debate.
Also, I know that the logic,ethos and pathos I use; are derived from instinct and not from purposeful thinking.
I see to understand, not to condemn, not to change, not to put values on opinions that are different from my own.

Dear child,
I must say that 'this' was the clearest 'voice' I heard in that has been writing.  Paradoxically, you said that you are getting 'confounded by...rationalising'.  Your 'scattered thoughts' have said a far lot more about your situation.

I guess that it must be really hard to be you. That is why you use the word 'hate' - one of the strongest forms of negative emotions.  It is not a word that I would normally use because of the connotations - but you are one who do not mince your words.  You are fully aware of your own self-expectations, and if these are not met - the idea of a letdown ; to others, and to the self, becomes pretty intense.

No one seems to fully grasp the nature of your feelings...no one ever will really. Unless they are you, no one can comprehend the complexities of the fear, frustration and anger (if I may label them as these).  Your tone and demeanour are interpreted as 'arrogance and callousness'...for very often, people cannot accept that when one is blessed with good brains like yours, one should be happy with the good results one gets...and not 'hate the capacity to overtake others without doing the proportional amount of work'.  Unfortunately, that is the reality of life. It will never be fair or equal....really, I cannot imagine how much you can fly if you truly overcome your own shortcomings of 'complacency'.

You are clear-headed; and your sharp mind is probably your most crucial asset. But this too is like a double-edged sword...for it hones in on, and harps on your flaw.  You find that it is not right for people to pin hopes on you; or for that matter; you seem to think that even you will let yourself down ultimately.
After all, it all adds up right?...the failure of the past because of complacency, a certain person surpassing you in terms of academic performance, your action of spending a lot of time on the computer; and so on. You know that these are almost dialectic evidences of your 'weakness'.

You are fully aware of your predicament..of how your gift of intellect is also your curse (I know you never said that..so pardon me if I misunderstood this). And you are right..about how easy it is for people around you will be so offended and put off by the things you say, or feel.  Unless they walk in your shoes, it is extremely difficult to empathise the depth of your dilemma.

I am not going to venture into your stand on relationships yet...for I acknowledge, that is really difficult to me to even find a middle ground.  But what I am trying to do, is really to sift through the words and emotions I pick up, and perhaps see how best I can support you from behind.

Perhaps, after your exams, it would indeed be good that you are going in early.  Being in an non-academic environment, and away from people and things which remind you of your internal conflicts may bring about new perspectives and experiences.

We cannot change the past...and we cannot really predict the future.
We live in the present...doing the best of what we can...to make things a little more bearable. Perhaps, you will find your inner peace...of the spirit and mind...there.

In the meantime,...just focus on doing your best.
I will not hold you to your promise...
Just be yourself...just be a little more happy.

We Teach Who We Are - lessons from Parker Palmer

As I was clearing my desk area yesterday, I found a little green book tucked between some of my old files. It is entitled " The Heart of a Teacher" by Parker Palmer. He is well-known among the education fraternity; and his works on issues of education, community and social change are often widely quoted.  This essay that I found is an extract from his book "The Courage to Teach: Exploring the Inner Landscape of a Teacher's Life".

Maybe there is a reason as to why this book suddenly appeared....for the last time I read it was almost four years ago.  I had slipped it into my bag, and since the Sup was late for the interview yesterday, I had a chance to re-read Palmer's work yesterday.  Maybe...maybe it gave me the answer that I was looking for inside.

"Teaching, like any truly human activity, emerges from one's inwardness, for btter or worse.  As I teach, I project the condition of my soul, my subject, and our way of being together.  The entanglements I experience in the classroom are often nor more or less than the convolutions of my inner life...viewed from this angle, teaching holds a mirror to the soul...

...to know good teaching, we need to look into the inner landscapes of a teacher's life... - the intellectual, emotional and spiritual...None can be ignored.

Reduce teaching to intellect and it becomes a cold abstraction;
Reduce it to emotions, and it becomes narcissistic;
Reduce it to spiritual, and it loses its anchor to the world...."

"Good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher."

I think I have lost myself somewhere along the way for the past few years.  In the pragmatic, competitive environment, there is a heavy price that I have paid...that the flames that once burnt bright within, has somehow diminished in intensity...it flickers, wavers...and even came close to being extinguished.

There are days when I do not 'teach as I am'...
It is always easy to blame others, or even circumstances for this...
But what about myself?
Why have I allowed this to happen?
Where is the engagement...and the connection?

That was my reflection for that 20 minutes or so that I was there...to think, and reflect.
I want to find myself again...and,
I hope...that was the message that was sent, and received during the interview yesterday.

The end of this chapter

This is the last day.
As effect of 4.30pm, I will no longer go by a 'certain title'.
It comes with a lot of mixed feelings.

I had anticipated that I would be asked this question:
"Why?"
Mentally I had earlier prepared myself to meet a superior who, through the course of the years, know me through our professional dealings.  But she too, has left...for a new post.  I had to speak to a different person, one who recently rose up to the higher rung.

It would have been easy to simply say that I stepped down for personal reasons.
That has been, and still is, the main factor in my decision.
But I know that I needed to come up with something that will carry more weight, professionally.  One cannot simply cite personal reasons.

The other day, a minister toyed with the idea of raising up the retirement age to 68.
....so from 45 (for some services like the army)...to 55 (old minimum withdrawal age)...to 60...and then the current 62.
But given the current financial situation, and longevity of the average Singaporeans, we are inching up.
Bottom line...you work till you have one foot in the grave?

I have been in the teaching service for 21 years already.
If I get my Maths right,...I need to serve another 24 years.
That...at the moment, is just too mind-boggling!
Can I envision myself doing then, what I am doing right now?
Gosh...it is not something that I think I would have the capacity to do.

Without a doubt, as one ages, priorities change.
I have reached a stage in my life where I think family, religion, happiness, good health overide the need for recognition.
This is the reality of life...
I still know that I need to go on earning a living...I love my profession, and will want to contribute as much as I can.

So now, circumstances has pushed myself in this direction.
As hard as it is to let go, I feel that with God's grace, I am ready.

Dear God,
I thank you for the experience of the last 7 years in that chapter of my life.  It has both its good and bad times, and its share of challenges.  But I have grown from what I have learnt, and my life has been enriched by it.  As I close this page, and move on to another, I seek for Your guidance and blessings still.  Show me the way, and make me serve You in the way I can.
Ameen

Finding Myself

As I made my way along the corridor, I passed by the door.  A booming voice beckoned me.  I braced myself for more work.  Lately, the moment I am summoned, I tend to jump.  That's how paranoid I have become.  Either work, or for a 'gentle remainder' of work not done.

I was told to sit down.
I could not get the image of the Chesire cat, grinning at me.

"Are you still serious about your decision?"

I steeled myself.  That, was a loaded question.
My mind was already worn out by an earlier discussion.  I felt vulnerable.

I forced myself to look ahead.
"Yes."

The shoulders in front of me slumped a little.  It's already past 6.  A little late for a battle of wills; too late to try to pull a fast one.  Mind games...power games...

I needed to get out of there, quick!
Before...my shields fall.
They know that I have an Archilles heel.

"Ok...prepare your portfolios.  But I must say, I don't know what you should have.  You got things ready?"

Hope reigns...
Yes, yes, yes!

Those were the sweetest words I heard.

Dear God,
Alhamdulillah.
A shackle has come off.
There are many more I need to unlock.
With you, I am not alone.
Ameen.

Apathy Kills

I did this poem with my 4E3...and thought that this would be one way to really get a response from the kids. I have done the theme of hunger with some of my previous kids, and know that no one would be totally immune to what they would see. So with the visuals from Youtube, and pictures from Google Web, I got the students to reflect by the message driven in the poem.



How to Watch a Child Die


Avert your gaze from his eyes,
even if they plead for you to be drawn to their depths.
Instead focus on his sallow complexion
the sun crawling on his aged skin,
the colour of the well-trodden carpet
in your living room;
the spot where you son once threw his football boots
and you missed the bleaching
for the past few years.


Do not try to guess his age
or say, he is older than he looks
as you study his brittle bones, too-large head
and the empty basket of his ribcage


Think instead of the sound they may make
when his body is thrown into a ditch;
the sound of rain whipping through branches,
the cracking of a creek before thaw
or your antique vase
crashing into smithereens
from its place on the mantelpiece.


Turn away from the blank faces of your own children
and make no associations.
Pretend you do not notice
how your teenager leaves her food
uneaten on her plate. (Convince yourself you are
not an escapist) After all,
this skeletal child is merely
a marionette in a macabre fairytale.


Now, ignore the queasy feeling in your stomach
as you get up to dish out the dessert.
Resolve to write to the authorities
to complain for showing such
disturbing footage during dinner.


Be blind to the broken birds of the child’s
hands as he reach out pleading to be held,
the rolling whites of his eyes, the bruised animals
of his lips, parting as he takes his last…


Turn off the television set


Children should not know that
(in some very remote parts of the world)
they may die before their mothers.


By Amanda Chong,16
from Singapore who won the Foyle Young Poets of the Year Award 2005, which is held Britain, is one of 15 winners and the only one from Asia to win this award.

A teen...who captures the idea of how wasteful and apathetic our society can be.

I salute you...for reminding me.

How do you say goodbye to a child?

Two Sundays ago, I attended the wake of a 14-year old child who lost his battle with leukemia.  Timothy was the son of an old friend, June, whom I got to know way back in NUS.  Initially, when the news of his passing came about, I did not make the connection.  Susannah's young son, Geof, who were classmates, had been shaken by the tragic news because 'the idea of how our fragile mortality suddenly became real. As a mum, I am frightened that I can no longer protect my children from such realities." That was her status update on FB that Friday evening.

I saw the picture of a smiling young man, placed in the obituaries on Saturday.  It did seemed a little out of place, for the other pictures were of individuals who were at least fifty years and above at the time of their demise.  Again, it was a reminder of how Death, is indeed a leveller, and does not discriminate gender nor age.  I took a cursory glance at the names, and also felt a tinge of pain for the parents. It seemed to go against the law of nature that the child goes before the parents.

It was only on Sunday morning when my own 'reality' sank in.  Zafran said that former classmates where going to visit his literature teacher, for her son had passed away.  June was Zafran's literature teacher...and that was how everything sort of fell into place. I hunted for the papers again, read it carefully , and this time, really felt my heart sinking when I saw June's name there.

Back in our varsity days, I know June had her fair share of adversities...She had endured them all admirably; she is spunky and always saw the proverbial cup as being half full instead of empty.  But this...

With Zafran, I made my way to her home. They were having prayer sessions then, so I had a chance to speak to June's Muslim colleague who waited with me outside.  They had placed chairs for visitors, and along the walls, were pictures of young Timothy, all smiling, in his school uniform.  There I learnt that he had the disease when he was younger, had pulled through, and this was a sudden and unexpected relapse.  He developed a high fever on Thursday, and by Friday, he was gone.  I can imagine how devastated the parents were.

I saw this so poignantly played in the many scenes that unfolded.  A tall man stood dazely by the door to welcome and thank visitors who came.  In the line patiently was another man to offer his condolences.  Suddenly the tall man caught the other in a bear hug, and bawled.  It caught all of us by surprise - by the sudden burst of emotions.  From the soothing sounds and bits of exchanges I caught between them...here was the grieving father, and the other, the doctor who had treated Timothy ever since he was young.  Both men sought comfort in each other; knowing that a greater being had a 'greater say' in how fate is shaped.

The casket lay in the middle of the living room.  The school flag was draped over it.  But I was drawn to several things.  There were the usual wreaths of flowers; mainly in white orchids, and lilies...but a lady came bearing a single red rose.  She gazed down at the face in the casket, and said rather loudly, "Bye Timmy. Don't be cheeky in Heaven".  My heart caught momentarily then, and those who listened smiled.

I inched closer, and unconsciously, I sought for Zafran's hands.
I saw the colourful posters and letters Timothy's classmates had written...all placed above the casket...saying goodbyes.  They spoke of 'his laughter, his sense of humour and his zest for life'.  Under the casket, were a pair of football boots, a soccer ball, and the jersey of his favourite soccer club.  Tucked at the corner, was his NCC uniform...all stark reminders of what an active, lively boy he must have been...during his short time on earth.

Over and over again, I rehearsed in my head what to say to June while waiting in line.
I saw her ... standing dignifiedly, thanking people who came to share her grief...as she mourned the loss of her first-born.

Share...how can I ever measure that?
Only God knows the amount of pain she felt...the emotional and spiritual torture.
To have tears flow...even in rivers...but that will never bring that precious life back.

In the meantime, there were two other moments which, by itself, highlights the almost cruel juxtaposition of life and death.  June's second son was in the midst of his PSLE exams...and on the day of his brother's funeral, would have to sit for his last science paper...in fact, the funeral service would proceed after his exams.  Looking very tired, the 12-year old picked up his book, and sat at the foot of the coffin, reading.  He leaned against the hard wood where his brother lay...a very grim reminder to me how life must go on.

June's youngest boy was only 4.  I wondered how much he understood what the loss meant to him at the moment.  He had stood in line with the rest of the family, and if there was anyone who cried openly, this child, in all his innocence, held the other person in a tight embrace. He said, " Don't worry.  Don't cry.  Timmy is happy. Timmy is in Heaven.  Timmy is not in pain."...maybe these are echoes of the adults who have said this to him...but how much does he really understand? How will the pain be like when he realise that Timmy is never going to be able to play or argue with him anymore?

I reached June.  She opened up her hands.
And despite all the things I have practised, I did not know what to say as I hugged my friend.
Maybe there was no need for words...her pain was mine...and my fears were hers.

I watched as she hugged my first born, Zafran and thanked him for coming.  And then she turned to me and said..."Love your children, Adibah...love them."
I think I was in a daze after that...for all I knew was of the blessings I had been given as I held tightly the hand of my own child.  There were too many unspoken questions.

But...I had one more 'lesson'
Someone else had offered the condolence to June...something was said.
And in all clarity...this was June's remark.
"How do you say goodbye to your child?"

....and that...no mother would wish to have to do.....

RIP Timothy Thambiah
You were truly God's gift to your parents.
May your mother's tears and sorrows be your blessings in the hereafter.

Driven....away

Doors can shut on you.
They get slammed in your faces.
You look for alternate routes
but is in ensnared in that maze of corridors
with openings all sealed tight.

The walls you try so hard to break
gets fortified so thick that is has become impossible to
even drive a small chink.
You hit a nail in...only to have the hammer swing back at you.

Words you say
Run like drops of water
down the proverbial duck's back.
Nothing goes in...nothing stays.
For words bear no meaning, no significance, no purpose

A hand that tries to reach out
is seen as one that holds a poison apple...
an easy target for the poisoned quills in return.
Each action you take...
viewed with distrust, viewed with hate.


God...
Is my mission done?
You set love as a purpose
but I am weak.
I need to walk away
For I have been driven....away.

Taking stock

I wish I am able to write more often. Because each time I try to sit down to pen down my jumbled thoughts, I get distracted by so many other things.  Yes, of course there is such a thing as drafts...but looking at the number of unpublished stuff I have kept in that folder; I know that I will never get back to them....cos the 'moment' is lost...I would not be able to capture what I really wanted to say...at that moment.

Here's a summary of the many things left 'unsaid':

I did it! Finally, the move that I have long anticipated finally materialised.
But it was indeed strange when I realised the amount of mixed emotions that accompanied the official announcement of my stepping down.  Immediately, I found myself within the outer circle.
Maybe I am being too sensitive about these things...but really?
Why are people suddenly talking in whispers in front of me?
I know I am no longer a part of the whole planning process...but they ask for my books and materials...they ask for my notes...but then shut me out, without explaining why.

I know that the move upstairs will bring a host of problems too...having to readjust.
People will not know how to respond...or behave...or even trust...
It's going to be like .."You were one of them...you..."
Maybe I am just reading to much into the situation.

...on another note
The exam looms near.
And each time that happens...I go through this whole cycle of ....fear, anger, hope, annoyance...and what nots
Have I done enough? Am I doing enough?
Are they prepared?


There is a lot of personal hope and fear too for my own kids...esp for Akmal and Zafran.
But with that, I leave in the hands of Allah.
I am proud of them...for it is the effort that I am pacified.

One final note to AB (if you do read this)
I really don't know what lead to the exchange last evening.
It started 'harmlessly enough'...but ended really, with ...
I stand by what I have said....I am on your side...
But I supposed...you know best
and if you think I have misunderstood ...
then you are right....
I never know you....
and for that, I failed you...again.

Alternative Birthday Card

I am looking around for a birthday card like this. If anyone of you know where I can get one, please let me know.(I want to add a disclaimer that I am not a grumpy old lady who has no sense of humour. Neither am I against birthdays, especially those who come of age.

But I wish sometimes, I can say the following things.)

Dear ______________,
Congratulations. You have reached a milestone in your life. Welcome to FREEDOM!


With this magic number, you
a) are legally no longer the responsibility of your parents (meaning - they cannot order you around)
b) can stay up as long as you like, and there is no need for curfews
c) are old enough to drive
d) can watch as many ____-rated movies
e) are old enough to do what you like with your money
f) can "Do what I think is right!"
...and there is a whole litany of what you used to fantasize about what an adult life will be like.

You are right!

Welcome to freedom. Welcome to an age of OBLIGATIONS and RESPONSIBILITIES

With this magic number, you
a) are fully responsible for your thoughts and actions.( remember...parents 'cannot order you around!)
b) can stay up as long as you like, and come home whatever time you want....provided you have your OWN HOME!
c) drive your OWN CAR!
d) (are you really that horny?)
e) Yes...'Do whatever you like with your money" will translate to you paying for your food, necessities, needs, wants and the things that you sometimes do not want like "Income Tax and Road Tax!)
f) Unfortunately, "Do what I think is right"...is not always right. You live in a larger community, governed by rules, laws,moral codes, ethics, common sense and even basic human decency. These will over-ride you.
(and the list goes on...)



So have a happy time today. It is a day of celebration.
But if you can spend some time to reflect on what has been said,
then,

"Many Happy Returns. Welcome to the real world!"
May you live life to the fullest.

Lots of love,
ME

The lessons in parables

I am tired today, and a wee bit demoralised by ...(you know...it is THAT TIME of the year).
Anyway, I was surfing the net to find ways to perk the flagging spirits.  No...I am not going by way of ebay...that's too dangerous on the pockets.

I read of the stories that are readily available, and because I am re-visiting the narratives with my 4Ns, I came across some parables.  Here's one that I will share today to reflect upon the lessons learnt.


 Who Is The Rich Man?



One day a wealthy father took his son on a trip to the country so that the son could see how the poor lived. They spent a day and a night at the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
 "Very good, Dad!"
"Did you see how poor people can be?"
"Yeah!"
"And what did you learn?"
 The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden; they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the house; they have the stars. Our patio reaches to the front yard; they have the whole horizon."
When the little boy was finished, the father was speechless.
His son then added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!" 
 
So it is pretty obvious that whole exercise was a futile one. However, is the child totally wrong?
 
1.  Never make assumptions.  As a parent, as a teacher, I make the mistake of thinking that children have the 'wisdom' and the depth of maturity that we want them to show.  Unless I specifically point out what I want them to see and learn, most of the time, they don't know what we expect them to learn.
 
2.  Communicate your expectations.  Like the first point, you need to explicitly say what you feel and think, and the reasons behind your views.  Do not be defensive. Do not come with pre-conceived notions.
 
3.  Understand that perceptions differ...and that it is ok to be different in thinking.  In this case, if the child has been brought up in a priviledged environment, will he really know what it means to be 'poor' in the first place?
 
4.  As an adult, I have been guilty of always trying to 'keep up with the Jones'...Having 'more' is relative...and the fault of us humans...we are envious, and always have looked at what we think we 'don't have' rather than what we have...
 

Really...there were many sighs that went around the room this morning.  I too thought of joining in before I found this little gem.

"May God give you...
For every storm a rainbow,
for every tear a smile,
for every care a promise
and a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends, a faithful friend to share,
for every sigh a sweet song and
an answer for each prayer.”
God

Remind me of your blessings, and to be more than grateful for what I have.
What I do not have, suppress the desire to possess.

God Give

What do you see?

I decided to spend some time updating this blog.  Of course I have the usual excuse of 'no time' to explain for my absent entries.  I did lose my momentum a while back, and was contemplating whether I should close down this blog once and for all.  However, I decided against that for this is still one of the better places where I am able to think out aloud (but rationalising is a different issue altogether).

So..what's up?
Ramadan came and went.  It was a time of spiritual cleansing, not only just restricting the body from food and drink.  I thank God for his blessings...for there are many things which I am grateful for...and when this Syawal came, I am again thankful for my parents, my family and loved ones...and that I have been able to gain a lot more.

So what is the connection to the title?
What do I see...goes beyond the physical elements in my mundane existence.
I love the play of words..and I shall use the status updates I have placed on FB.  It all stems from the lesson on phrasal verbs I was doing with my class.

"Look at, look over, look into,look in on ....look around, look for, look back,...look up, look up to, looked upon as, look on as...look down, look away....

Look forward to (?)...sigh...maybe I should just change my glasses!"

Look AT...the endless marking, the mountainous piles of work, ...trying to decipher the squiggly whirls..but when I look At things lately, why do I toggle between fear and despair?

Look OVER...I scrutinse and examine...but have I become so focused in one direction that I am blindsided by my own faults?  Do I overlook and fail to see?

Look INTO...It's that time of the year...when one is held accountable for one's responsibility...But when you are in a slightly higher position...you assume responsibility of not only your shortcomings...but the rest of your team as well.

Look IN ON...hmm...I wonder just how many of my relatives' homes have I decided to give a miss this time round?  My aunts are getting on in age...I must remember that.

....you catch the drift...

I look, but I do not see many many things.
I have chosen to look away ultimately...and that is not good.

What can I look forward to?

Next year...I will start anew.
I need a fresh perspective of things.  I want to move on.

Wah...this is nonsensical....

:( :(

???
!!!
.....   ....... ........
**   **  **
:(   :(  :(

Silver Lining ...a balm for the unsettled soul

Teachers' Day...came and went.
I am grateful for the many well-wishes (in person and in kind) that I received.  I am grateful that many of my ex-students remembered me.  I am proud of how much they have moved on in life.

Ironically, it also made me ponder if I am really worthy of their thanks and gratitude.
For if I believe them...then, somehow in my mind, I have failed...I failed as a mother.

Arwah Din left us, a year ago, on the eve of Teachers' Day.  While I was away, at dinner, the news arrived of his sudden tragic demise.  I did not get back home in time, to be with my own children...especially Iffah who needed me badly.  I made a series of bad decisions to 'shield' her from getting her closure...and asking her to be stoic and 'redha'.  That led to ... this current reality.

I know this year, I have been wrought with so many uncertainties about my position, and my profession.  My priorities, my responsibilities...a dilemma.

But then, came a silver lining...a message sent by one of my special children...who brought some cleansing tears...tears that soothed my troubled spirit.  Below is what he wrote, taken from my FB account.


"Happy Teacher's day mdm adibah.



My love for culture , language and art literacy would not have started without your love and devotion with your students. How each lesson was devised, thought out and planned for the best interest of each student. you have educated me about the early stages in art appreciation, whether its drama or literature, it has shaped me in a way that has made me more empathetic to the new world at an early stage. It has made me understand people better, see the world clearer and being more attentive to people's needs.


It has lead me to be someone of better value, and taught me to appreciate the world we live in. Art has a funny way of trying to make sense of the world that is deemed insensible. Literature has a funny way of being infused into life. And life is just one big drama...


.. But in one chapter within this book, lies several pages of a once lived past. Where its constantly being referred to even to this day. A chapter where life back then, does not make sense, but in its negligence, innocent past lies a reminder, or bookmark thats denotes important events which inspires how the subsequent chapters will unfold...


.. within these few pages, dog-eared and underlined, lies a very special person who has inspired this journey sofar..


... your name has been repeated within these pages, and your actions and words has been highlighted. What you have taught echoes thru my actions.


.. in all my achievements, you played an important role. and hopefully one day, i will be someone who will inspire others.


thanks ...

Arif...I think you are already on your way to inspire others.
I only played a small role in your life, but Alhamdulillah, it has been meaningful.

Your words, warmed my heart, and put my soul at peace...at least for now.
Thank you...thank you...thank you

Teach...

A Teacher's Prayer - James J.Metcalf

"I want to teach my students how
   To live this life on Earth.
 To face it's struggles and it's strife
   And to improve their worth...
 And if I help the world to grow
   In wisdom and in grace,
 Then I shall feel that I have won
   And I have filled my place.

 And so I ask your guidance, God,
   That I may do my part.
 For character and confidence
   And happiness of heart."

For the past few years, each teacher's day celebration has left me with a lot of mixed feelings.  There is of course gratification, and joy, mixed with a tinge of ...sadness. I can't really pinpoint why for the latter, why the dull ache resides deep within.

Maybe it is the realisation of how much time ... is left...
How much impact one makes...
That one day...I will leave all this.

But I will focus on the positive...
and look into the bright, happy faces of the younger teachers
who are carrying on...with the torch held high.

Teach...with your heart and your mind
Knowledge should be imparted; tempered by wisdom.
Teach...and you will have your life touched forever.

To all the dedicated people out there who have chosen this path
Happy Teachers Day.

"Your Actions Speak So Loudly..."

I love this phrase this I want to borrow from Maxwell's book, "Everyone Communicates, Few Connect".  In it there is a sub-heading " Your Actions Speak So Loudly, I Can't Hear Your Words".  Doesn't this hit the nail on the head?

In one of my earlier entries, I think I have talked about how sometimes we do not need words to convey our thoughts and emotions.  The looks on our faces, our reactions, gestures and mannerisms are somehow able to mirror what is going through our hearts and heads.  Unless we have schooled ourselves to be good actors, or have learned to put on masks and adopt poker faces, generally, our body can be the true giveaways.

People can say plenty of things.  We all know that there some who can come up with all sorts of rhetoric.  But while people can hear what we say, they can also feel our attitude...The power of non-verbal cues are also so strong that even without words, the more sensitive and perceptive ones can pick up the silence nuances and hidden messages.  Somehow, our body does not lie, even though we can, with our mouths.  That is the general principal of how the lie detector test works.

So what is the whole point today?
Perhaps it is a reminder to myself, to be careful not to send 'mixed signals' to whoever I am speaking to.  Very often, there is where the source of misunderstanding comes from.  I have people telling me that I should not 'read too much' into certain things that are written and said...but you cannot help but be judged from the way people perceive you.

I know that many of my students will not remember exactly what I have blabbed on in class...even fewer still may remember the techniques.  But I sure hope that they will remember the day when a connection is made...from me to them, and them to me...when what I said really meant something, when they understood...and that I had been sincere with them in the encounter.

..and to AB...if you read this:
I can read and 'hear' your message loud.
But clearly?...I doubt so.
Sometimes we keep repeating certain things...as if to convince others,
when in fact, what we do, is really to convince our own self.
Do what you must...do what you already think is right.
But just be prepared...for one day
The dam will burst....Take care.

Storm Brewing in a Teacup

The other shoe has dropped.
By the look and sound of it...it feels more like boots have have been thrown ...

Slowly...one by one...the news have come come in.
We are losing our anchors...but I hope not our bearings.

What is happening...or what has happened?
Yes, we did expect changes, but to this extent?

So much for a shared vision....who is leading?
Who is following?

It is just a matter of time.
Old is gold...I hope they remember that.
Do not take things for granted...do not assume that that things will be easy.

Lets bite the bullet.
It's going to be painful...
To the wounded...and the survivors
we lost this battle...
will we lose the war?

I am battle-scarred...and crippled at the moment.
I hope someone wil come to the forefront,
Lead, and not just wave the white flag.

Reality?

I had an 'interesting' morning.
I have just spoken to a parent whose child is underperforming.
This is a child who tends to shoot off remarks without thinking, and does not make a conscious effort to listen.  While the class is slowly improving, this one is regressing.  So I made the call to the parent.

Imagine my shock when I got this response.
a) Why have I taken so long to call the parent?
b) Why did I 'kill' the child's spirit?
c)  How come I did not try to understand the child?

Maybe I have been living in my 'ivory tower' for far too long.  Maybe I am jaded.  Maybe I have reached the point when I have become critical and boring.  Maybe I have stopped caring.

I had informed the parent that I had spoken to the child personally.  In my view, he needed the wake-up call.  If the child did not stop to reason, and listen...then all will be jeopardised.  Unfortunately, the other side of the coin is this."Why has the child stopped listening suddenly?  My child works for the teacher.  If my child likes the teacher, ....can perform. If you want to help, then accept the child's nonsense."

I do not want to be critical of the child...the one who has already formed a mindset that "I will indeed fail because of my teacher."  That is already the ready excuse.  And if the child fails, then, the parent is ever-ready too, to point fingers at me.

Maybe....maybe they are right.
Maybe I took the wrong approach; not to try to win over the difficult child.
Maybe I failed in my role as an educator; so much for me being a person who took pride in 'every child matters'.

But then...what about self-awareness and self-responsibility?
I had come down hard, because I know that no matter what, the skills I think, will be the skills for life.
Think...think...think...do not be so quick to reply. Substantiate your ideas. Plan your work. Check your work.  It is because...?
If one does not realise how much one's actions will affect others, then I feel sorry for that individual.

Thank you for the feedback.
I will make sure you do not fail!

Reason with feelings, and Feel with reasoning...

I read to keep sane.
This is not an excuse as to why I am still so hooked into books when I should be concentrating more on preparing the kids for exams, marking, or even, at a personal level, doing a lot more good deeds during this fasting month.

But with books, I am able to keep focus a lot more; not just to escape into a fantasy world whatsoever; since my diet of books lately fall under 'self-help, inspirational and philosophy'...(which actually reflects a lot about my state of mind currently.)  Anyway, the books that I can't seem to put down now are the writings of AC Grayling.  Nope, I am not using them for GP...but for those of you who are preparing for your A levels, maybe you should get your own copies.  JC teachers love to use his work for GP comprehension.

Well, the thing about him is that while he writes about topics which are wide and deep (hence GP), his style reflects one who is sharp.  He broaches the topics in a straightforward manner, and his arguments clear and valid. Plus he also gives his own personal insights; taking care to simply claim that he 'teaches and learn philosophy, not a philosopher."

One very pertinent question he asked was, "Do emotions interfere with rationality?"
I know that some people will argue with me till the cows come home on this one...especially those who are schooled to take a good look at this matter based on facts or evidence. Even the esteemed Greek thinkers have viewed emotions as something negative; even though the emotions themselves may be positive - take happiness for instance.  Perhaps that is why, for a long time, the idea of keeping a stiff upper lip and being detached or dispassionate seem to be the way of attaining wisdom or sagacity.  Emotions are seen are something that one needs to be kept under control, and that if you manage to master them, you will have a peace of mind.

I echo Grayling's point that you cannot have one without the other. Just as how the feelings affect the physical state of mind and body, it works the other way round too.  The mind and the heart (and soul) are of equal importance.  They need each other, and when they work in synergy, there is where one gains some kind of wisdom. Your IQ, EQ & AQ are reliant on these 'win-win' relationships.

It is ok then to think through carefully...but not to be detached and unfeeling; and it is ok too, to feel , but within the constraints of what the mind thinks as logical and sound.
A life worth living, is very much, when reason and feeling, are tempered by each other.
So do what is right, and what you feel is right too.

Reality Check - not a killer of dreams.

I am doing a reality check. Maybe it is more for myself, rather than anyone else.

I know that one of the things I have to do in school is to get the kids believing in themselves...you know, encouraging them to find their wings and fly.  The last thing I want to do is be a killer of dreams.  Yet lately I wonder if I have been doing the right thing.  What do you do, when some of the things they want to achieve is almost next to impossible?

Are dreams mere illusions and fantasies ?
Or are they hopes and desires which, if channelled correctly, will set one on a journey to find one's goals?
How do we balance the need to keep believing that dreams can come true, and yet, be pragmatic enough to accept that sometimes, some things are really beyond us; especially if our ability and aptitude is not there?

I have seen enough of those who worked all their way up the academic ladder , albeit the long, tough route - But as I watch a child still struggling  to read at 16...who am I to stop him from dreaming big of ending up with a degree one day?  Or what about the child, who is not able to make the cut to enter one of the better institutions of higher learning, coming to ask for a testimonial, so that he can try to appeal for a chance?  Deep down, I have had my doubts....but no, aiming high is not the issue at hand. While apptitude and ability are crucial determinants, I realise, I should never underestimate the power of a dream :- one that is focused and driven by effort.

However, believing in a dream alone is never enough; neither is that overwhelming desire to achieve it.  Dreams cannot rely on luck; though fate does sometimes have a strange way of either helping you or thwarting the effort you have put in.  You must be able to match that with other things...that are sound in reason, and physically, can be done.

Emerson once said, "Shallow men believe in luck...strong men believe in cause and effect".  This is not however a simple equation of" dreams + hard work = success" kind of thingy...it is just that we cannot leave things to chance.  You see...the bottom line is, we try to pursue dreams...that we do have some ability to make come true.

I love this piece of work from John Maxwell's book "Put your Dream to the Test".  In it he says this of dreams:
"The journey will take longer than you hoped.
The obstacles will be more numerous than you believed.
The disappointments will be greater than you expected.
The lows will be highter than you imagined
The price will be higher than you anticipated.."

In retrospect, I suddenly see the 'common thread (haha...trait)' that runs in the hearts of all my special kids...The cynic, the realist, the dreamer, the pragmatic, the wise, the firebrand, the wander-struck, (and yes, the opportunist)...all harbour dreams of their own.  But they are so different in the way they approach their dreams...for some of these dreams...seem to die along the way. ... and I do hope that they are not 'killed' because they no longer believe that is what they want to achieve.

Me?
I think I have reached a stage where I am more than grateful for what I have.
My dreams live in my own children...and the many kids I have....so that they will get keep on moving ahead...and live their dreams.

Hold fast to your dreams kids....


Well...today's entry is indeed very random.

Dear God,
I am not sure why I am thinking of my special kids today
Especially the one with the 'broken wing'...
But do bless them all
and keep my own safe and strong in Your Care.
Ameen

Choice - it is really up to you

Years ago, as a girl in school,  I never really thought I would end up in teaching...there were so many options that I thought of, like journalism, or even broadcasting...teaching was one of the things I sort of 'flowed into' given my background.  It was something I could fall back on.

But as cliched as it is, life's course can never be determined by us, humans, alone.  There is a greater  power at hand, and we find ourselves either thwarted from the paths we intend to take, or that circumstances deviate us from our original course.  Of course now that I am at a much older age, I can see how the pieces fall together, or how things are tied to the bigger picture of our destiny.,,,yes, things happen for a reason, and very often, we can never fully understand that reason until much later...or never at all.

While our fate is not completely ours to chart and control, all is not lost....until one decides to take a defeatist attitude towards it.  I know...cos while it is extremely frustrating when things do not go your way, it gets even tougher when you wonder with a 'why me?' attitude when things go awry.

I somehow thank God for my experience in having dealt with young people these past years.  It has now helped me, in many ways, in my own painful experience in helping my girl deal with her conditions.  I hope that as we go through this challenging time together, what I have learnt will slowly get her back on her feet.

Self-doubt and other forms of insecurities are powerful sources of negativity.  It gets to the heart , mind and soul of a person...and sometimes, I cannot help but get sucked into the force field.  I am not complaining...but to pull another person out of the doldrums take up a lot of energy and effort...a lot of self-control and good sense...Like her, there are days when it really seems that giving up is the easiest way out.

How do you answer questions...when you yourself do not have answers?
How do you control emotions of pain, hurt and anger...when you yourself get to the point of letting go?
How do you stay calm and give support...when you feel so alone?

I have seen the power of negativity...
To some people, it is the shield that protects....protects from hope, happiness and love.
Those who have been hurt before are not likely to trust easily...and prefer to dwell in either misery or hate...so that nothing can seemingly touch them.
It is much easier to hate, than to love....
It is seemingly better to wallow in self-pity, than rise up in search of 'true happiness'.

I am at the crossroads...and I have chosen the path that I want to take from now on.
I am choosing to fight on...for the many good things which I feel can still happen.
I choose to give up certain things...but not because I have to sacrifice them...but because I want to.

and when there are days....when things sink low, and when my courage is spent, and my spirit is drained, I choose to keep on trying.

Dear God,
You know best...I am but a humble servant
Let me not give up...and don't ever give up on me.
Ameen

Nothing gold can stay

Nature's first green is gold

Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
              - Robert Frost-

This is one of my favourite poems.  Here Frost is at this best...a seemingly simple 8-line poem, but oh how aptly and deeply he captures the essence of the transience of life. It is forever changing, and as the wheels of life turns, we face different challenges, and change along with it...though there is that underlying implication that nothing in life is permanent.

"Nothing gold can stay... Really?
I remember this line being quoted in SE Hinton's "The Outsiders"...the classic tale of two groups of young men; on the verge of adulthood; facing life's twists and turns.  One of the characters, before dying, tells his friend to "stay gold"...and that is a line that I have often used on quite a few of my students.  I hope that while they move on in life, their inner self will 'stay gold...inner strength and courage...brought about by the strength of their characters.

Without a doubt, gold is considered to be one of the world's most precious commodities (ya...look at how the prices have sky-rocketed)...with even more marketable value than any of the precious gems. But back to the poem...while nothing gold can stay, the message there is one that is positive, rather than negative.  If we learn to accept that things will change, we will also be able to see that there are blessings that we get in life; and that the experiences of good and bad things we encounter, are natural.

There are no perfections in life...
Nothing remains forever good....nor does it stay forever bad.
We all have our fair share of good memories, and horrible experiences.
But we can still try...to keep the 'gold'...
so that life, is much more meaningful.

Nothing gold can stay....perhaps...
We can try...and keep on trying...
not to search for the 'fool's gold'
but the gold within our characters/

Dear God.,
Thank you...for another day.
Ameen

Bedside manner....Attitude matters

Lately, I have been in and out of hospitals quite a bit.
Never mind the reasons...but I have a lot of takeaways from my visits.

I realise that it takes more than just good brains and aptitude to be in the medical profession.
It is in a way a lot like teaching...good grades will not translate into whether or not you will do well in what you do.  Both jobs are service-related, and you need to be able to relate to and connect with people.
People put their faith in you somehow, and you need to 'deliver' .

Doctor A is a senior consultant and is regarded as an expert in her field.  But from day 1, she has never failed to let me down that I begin to have doubts about her.  She is the now dealing with Iffah, but rarely does she take the trouble to find the root source of the problem.  She forgets facts and little details, and if I do not probe and ask, I would be left wondering the reliability of her prognosis.  Granted, there is no physical examination done, but I really feel that she is not interested in her patients.  The last visit left me very unsettled.  I told her that fasting month was coming so I need to move the next appointment a llittle longer.  This was her reply." Oh fasting month...But your girl is on medication...don't make her fast. I am sure your god will understand.  If he does not understand, I don't know what to say.."

Enough said...If Iffah does not show any improvement, I will find a new doctor.  This one fails miserably.

My regular doctor was away when I came to seek treatment for my hand.  After a painful night, I was sleep-deprived and in much need of relief.  The young man who was on locum, glanced at me, and then back to my medical records which apparently have been uploaded on the computer.  3 minutes was all it took.  He did not even do a medical examination.  He did not look at me again.  He said," Oh...this old problem.  Maybe this is age. You need an mc?"....I left, (with 7different medications...some are steroids, I was told)...and wondering if I ever want to walk into the clinic again.

What happened to good beside manner?
I thought the rigid selection to get into the medical profession locally requires one to have an empathetic side?

I wonder...
(but at least, in the medical field, one has a wider choice...one can change doctors if necessary. But in education, which is a public service...if the teacher is distant, and does not connect with the students, it is not easy to change)

Out of sync, out of sorts...

I feel frazzled today.
It is like some internal wiring has short-circuited somewhere, and because of that, the brain is unable to take its usual command over the rest of the body. Or, is it that the limbs are rebelling against the wishes of the brain? Haha...even the mouth lags at least 5 seconds behind.

Root cause?
Er...I don't think I am in this mental fog because of any kind of medication.
Chocolate overdose? Nah....the I need the serotonin.
(See...I can't even think)

I think my current condition is best described by the following conversation that is taking place right now.

Head: What am I supposed to do? What am I thinking? Er...excuse me...why are you writing?
Eyes: Hello...I am at the point of shutting down.  This old woman is so vain...where the hell are the glasses? Can she finally admit that she cannot see?
Ears:  Excuse me...the rest of you can keep quiet or not?  We are trying to listen to the given instructions.  The brain already one kind one today...hey wake up...up there, anyone home?  This is important you know...the VP is talking to her.
Head: Why are you guys quarlling...quarelking...what on earth is that word? Whoa...why is I so head-light?
Heart: Pump the blood...pump the blood.  Eh...watch the pressure...Relaz people...she can't get excited.
Mouth: O......K....u-n-d-e-s-t-a-n-d. Work. Deadline.Tomorrow. Right.
Feet:  People...the only place I will walk to now is home!
Kidneys: Hey...brain...can you tell her to at least go to the toilet now? Yes, right now? Before I send all this toxic waste up to where you reside!
Head: I need to think...what am I supposed to remember?
Stomach: Feed me! Feed me! I have not eaten anything except chocolates the whole day!
Eyes: I don't care.  Shut down...shut down.
Head:  .....
Mouth: (aloud) 5 seconds lag: What am I supposed to remember?

Adibah: Slaps head....Hey...it's my 19th wedding anniversary today!


You catch the drift. I will try to listen to every single part of the body.
1st stop: toilet
2nd stop: eat
Finally ...will pack up and leave.

Head: "wait...wait...look at that pile of unfinished work! Don't you dare!"
Rest of the body: "Shut up and go home."

Enough said...I am going home.

Filial Piety - is it a right?

This year, as part of its 'for family' campaigns, MCYS produced a commercial entitled "Filial Piety"...unlike its predecessors of the single father who tried his best to raise his daughter, or the moving yet endearing amusing eulogy of the wife in a mixed marriage, this latest one opened up a can of worms.

Intially, it seemed simple enough....a man who 'gives back' to his mother in her greying years.
But at what cost?
Hurting his wife, and from the perspective of the grandchild, the father must have been callous and unfair to side the grumpy (and seemingly ungrateful) old woman over his self-sacrificing wife.  What values then does he teach his son in return?...an impressionable teen who is not so sure that the old lady deserves such loving treatment when she apparently does not deserve it.

Of course, at a deeper level, some detractors have made snide remarks about the subtle 'brainwashing' of how people should view our government...and that this is another attempt to make the 'current generation' accept their responsibilities about looking after the elderly (ya.ya...ageing population and so on...)

Maybe...what went wrong was the 'stereotype characters'...filial, devoted son, senile, grumpy matriach, stoic, ill-suffering daughter-in-law, and the angsty, misunderstood grandson.  Nope, love conquers all does not sit too well in this family.

I do not need an advertisment to remind me about filial piety, or responsibilities.
It is a choice for many people today, I understand, whether or not they want to look after their parents; especially if the bond between parent and child is not there in the first place. I am not going to question their decisions, or pass judgements.

My late grandma, Nenek was not the easiest person to get along with.  She was not openly affectionate, and I suppose that raising her 10 kids made her busy.  But she obviously had favourites, and there were times, in her later years, that friction arose among the siblings as whose responsibility it was to look after her.  But, she was never without a home...and yes, I did wonder sometimes, why was it that my aunts and uncles (and their spouses) were giving up a lot to make her happy.

Then there were Nek Tor and Tok Hamid...two of the most loving parents ever.
The challenge then for my godma and her siblings was when tragically, the couple were stuck with Parkinson's and Alzheimers.
It takes a lot from the caregivers to look after aged, sickly parents...but never did I once hear complaints or grumbles.  They simply took it upon themselves to make their parents remaining years...as comfortable and happy as they could. They did it because they wanted to, not because they have to.

My parents too are getting on in age.
Alhamdulillah, so far they are still healthy...though I tend to worry.
Mak,,,,well, now, is displaying some of Nenek's characteristics. She can be moody, temperamental, and tend to say hurtful things unintentionally.  My own kids wonder about the change in her, and try their best to avoid her 'naggings'.

But when they need me, will I be able to shoulder that responsibility?
I pray to God for strength that I will...again, unconditionally.
It is not because of I am duty-bound, but because I choose to do so when the time comes.

And if I am old and weary...I will not want to bind my children to any obligation.
Love is unconditional...you need not be beholden by it.
If my kids do not see it as necessary, let it be.
If they do, then I am blessed.
I pray that I will be a good role model to my kids.
Or...that I may go early...and never be a burden to anyone.

Being Critical...and the fine art of critical thinking

Last Thursday evening, after the orals were done, I crawled back (hmmm...been doing a lot of crawling lately) to the meeting room.  This was one meeting that cannot be missed. You see, we had guests that afternoon; several high-ranking educators from other institutions, who would sit in for a few hours and assess us individually as we conducted our meeting. 

You would imagine the amount of 'role-playing' that could have taken place in that room.  But true to the spirit, my friends and colleagues were not out there to 'out-do' each other.  We closed ranks, and rallied behind one another, unafraid to show our true selves. ( I salute you my friends).  We may not be openly vocal, there were no power-hungry individuals who decided that this would be the best moment to shine.

My sleepy, weary mind was jolted when the esteemed school leaders invited us for an open dialogue.  Prior to the meeting, we were given an article to read : "Critical Thinking and the Asian schools." It was not an academic paper; just a commentary in a foreign newspaper about how schools in Asia is coping with this challenge.

You know, here was were the irony unfolded.  I wonder how prepared the facilitators were to handle the intellectual discussion that ensued...cos , the more the topic was discussed, the more boxed in I felt...and it went against the spirit of what critical thinking is all about.

Without a doubt, schools must 'teach' critical thinking skills...MOE has long identified it as a necessary 21st century skill ; to prepare one for the unknown challenges of the so-called globalisation and new economy.  We see the various efforts made at the various levels.

But we take a step back...and question.
How much do the real implementors...the teachers and its fraternity, truly understand the meaning of critical thinking, and its underpinnings? How prepared are we not only to deliver the content knowledge, but nurture that hunger for mental curiosity and discovery?

The gaps are obvious.
For one, teachers are the products of the 20th century-kind of education system, and yet made to bear this great responsibility.  Add the pace of technology , and all its mind-boggling complexities, it is clear that the teachers themselves are in dire need to a greater paradigm shift than their charges.  And what holds us back sometimes? 2 things....FEAR and CHANGE...we are so afraid of challenges.

Obviously, this topic is too wide to be discussed in just one entry alone here.
But this is my first takeaway from that discussion...where we spoke sincerely (and critically) about the challenges ahead.

Critical thinking does not necessarily equates itself to raising a new generation of people who will be questioning just for the sake of questioning....It does not mean developing the minds to be rebellious.  There is an apparent fear that being critical means having to criticise negatively to what is presented to the individual.

The end goals of critical thinking is to have individuals who will be able to be flexible and respond well to challenges. He is able to think through carefully, suspend his own judgements, accept and listen to the views of others, give critiques based on facts and make rational decisions...all for the greater good of the community.  He is able to analyse things at the micro level, without losing sight of the bigger picture....and of course, being anchored not only by 'the god of reason', but also by universal values that are good.

That...is worth thinking critically about.
How prepared am I for this?

When the other shoe dropped...

A day of reckoning...
Isn't life strange?  You can have the best laid plans, the most careful strategies rehearsed in your mind, but when it comes to the execution, you wonder how much hand you actually have in deciding your fate. Afterall, He knows best.

Anyway, I think I can exhale..
I have finally walked up to (more like crawled to) the office, and told them of my intentions/
I relinquish my position by the end of the year. There....done....

I had thought I would be doing cartwheels and backflips when I was  able to do that.
Over and over in my mind, I had envisioned myself thumping my fists in the air, in joy.
But as I sat there, I felt hollow; very much like a deflated balloon.
I am sure I have made the right decision, but ....

......   ......   .....

On a different topic.
Is it ever written somewhere , in black and white, the things a mother ought or ought not to do?
Or what falls within the realm of motherly duties, and what does not?
Let me put one thing straight....
A mother...
reacts instinctively...rationally...
governed and motivated
by an unconditional love for her child.....

"Dreams" - for reflection

Hold fast to dreams


For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
               - Langston Hughes -

How do you go about defining dreams?
Is it a vision, a goal with a definite target in mind?
Or is it some fuzzy, feel-good feeling wrapped around ideals?

A dream, to me, is the fuel that drives my internal engine.
With it comes hope, motivation, and desire.

But the reality is...as human beings,
We get dragged down by our past hurt and experiences,
We cannot let go of the past and we want to guard against future disappointments.

I do ask if my dream is truly mine sometimes.
Or am I living the dream for the sake of someone else. I know that unless there is shared ownership of that someone else's expectations, I will forever be shackled; letting down both the other person, and myself.
A dream is best mine...

Yes, dreams do 'die'...but only if we let it be so.
The odds, circumstances, inaptitude, luck...we find reasons to blame why we no longer pursue our deepest longings.  But in the end, we know that it is us...because we let go, and give up.

Can dreams change?
Yes they can, they do, and they will.
Can dreams die?
...it is up to you.

No ands,ifs or buts...
If you do not hold on to your dreams...
You will break....


"Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world." - Joel Barker

Air dicincang tak akan putus..

Literally translated, the phrase means, "Water, even when chopped with an axe will not break/split."
That is a Malay proverb that deals with family ties.
Very often, no matter how bad the relationships may sour, somehow, blood ties will prevail.

The past two months have been a time for family...
to meet new challenges, to mend frail ties, to welcome new kin and also to celebrate, and at the same time cry. It is also a time where we put aside differences, and embrace each other's individuality.
Above all, it reminds me that family, kith and kin, are important.

We celebrate...
with weddings and births....
I would like to think of how the family has expanded.  I feel that nenek would have loved to have seen these moments when her clan are drawn together.
I saw in my cousin's Dinah's eyes...the elation of a new-bride. I am sure that her late mother would have finally approved.  Twenty-years ago, she had sacrifced her own happiness, for her mother, worried that she would 'lose' her daughter, had disapproved of the relationship. But 'kalau dah jodoh, tak kan ke mana.' Who would have thought that now, he reappeared in her life. This time round, the blessings flowed readily.

My cousin Azhari flew down from Melbourne.  He has migrated to Australia, and that had brought a lot of heartache for his mother and sister.  But the news of Kak Ani's illness brought him back on the first flight home...to ensure that he puts things in order.  He does not shirk around from his responsibilities. And what a pleasure it was for me, to have been able to 'steal him away' for a short while:- this cousin who is as close as a brother to me. I miss him...

More weddings...
I watch with mixed feelings at the rows of my aunts and uncles who are getting on with age.
Why does it seem that with each rare gathering, we realise that there is someone missing...a loved one who has passed on?
Yes, the younger generation is there, but will they ever be able to build such strong bonds like that of their parents, or grandparents? Perhaps, there is always hope...as I introduce my children to the myriads of second and third cousins...I can hope and pray...

No family is without secrets, no family is picture perfect.
We have our fair share of black sheep, and skeletons in the cupboards.
I may have my ups and downs with them.
But I am assured, when it comes to the crux of the matter, my family....will rally around me.
In sickness and in health
In good and bad....
Allah, watch over the people I call family...I love them so.

Living with the choices you make

It's over....
The months we had spent preparing for EV came to a peak last week, and this weekend, I could breathe a little better..
Or so I thought.

True to their words, the EV team did not really come with the intention of fault finding.
But during the course of the 3 days,being interviewed by the different people with varying styles, the flaws in our systems became more than glaring.  At one point, when the session turned out to be more of a tutorial session for us, it was apparent that we are below par....and that the members of the E, in a way, felt sorry for us.

Maybe that is my interpretation...
We are nowhere near our vision...something we need to reflect. Are they too lofty in the first place?
Maybe not..but it will have to take a lot of rethinking . Perhaps it was not clear in the first place.
Whatever it is, there is really a lot of work to be done.

I hate this actually.
Instead of being able to sleep once EV is over, why am I kept awake at night worrying about what needs to be done?
I have made up my mind...give up the position.
Can't I make a decision, without having to feel guilty about it?

Please, I can no longer put my job before my family. I simply can't.
and if the school cannot accept that...even if it means my resignation...
then , I will.

On another note...
Please child, don't open up your heart to me...
I am afraid...I cannot cope.
I am not the one to help you.

Lessons from the World Cup.

For most part of the past month, I did not have a good night's rest...thanks to the World Cup fever.
Now, I am past the age of being soccer crazy, for I had more than my fill in my salad days. The men in my house have taken sides on which teams to root for, and have gone to a point to make everyone in the family choose their favoured teams.  I was left with many of the 'default' sides...but to my amazement, at least 4 moved on to the quarterfinals...but then, that is a different story.

The matches are played at an unearthly hour, and I am in no mood to be awakened by frantic yells of 'Gooooal'. Nor do I appreciate the amount of expletives exploded for the missed opportunities.  But my biggest bugbear today must be the vuvuzela...that 'thingy' which I deem fit for the pipe-pipers of dengue mosquitoes.  The endless, mindless drone buzz incessantly in my head, and because I have always been tuned in to the slightest sounds, lets say it has been hard to even get a wink of rest. The result?....ggggrrrrr!

But when I am in one of my saner moods, I do try to reflect about the things I learnt.
a) There is something about men and balls (ooops...that sounds so wrong! Sorry)

No, lets make comparisons with teaching.
From the Pepsi ad:
a)  As the players get closer to the target...the goal posts get shifted.  Have I, as a teacher, done that to my students? I know the aim is to keep pushing them to aim higher...yet even before they can actually score a goal, I make the posts more elusive?  Have I forgotten that many will get demoralised by it?

b) Stars do not make a team.
How the mighty fall fallen....Some of these stars earn more than many of the African nations annual GDP.  Inflated pockets and egos do not necessary be the ingredients to victory.  And it has been proven again and again, how tantrums, and diva-like behaviour are magnified at the World Cup. What has happened to the idea of team spirit and shared responsibilities?  There is no 'I' in team.

c) Hopes and dreams
Some of the teams were lifted by their never-ending dream of achieving success.  I have been impressed by the passion of the African teams, who, without the big names and sponsorship, gave their heart and soul into the games they played.  It is not so much about winning, but about trying to make their dream come true.  It is about the love for the game, played in the true spirit of sportsmanship, without the drama and theatrics.  I hope that my students will never lose sight of their goals. Yes, we will stumble along the way, but do not give up. Try and try again.

d) The coach.
He is the main playmaker...and somehow, the victory and defeat of the teams are attributed to him.  When a team wins, he is great.  When a team loses, the trend seems to be that he gets sacked.  Then, there are teams who mutineed, and go against his orders. The older players take the lead, and try to oust what they deem as an 'ineffective coach.'  And when a favoured team loses, the entire nation calls for an excution of the coach. His head must roll.

What is the point here?
I see that the coach is not much different than that of a teacher.  Sometimes, students wonder why we push them so hard, and 'make their lives miserable'.  It goes back to that word 'responsibility'.  A teacher is obligated to make sure the students do well.  It is not a matter about results alone...though in most cases, we know that a teacher's worth is measured by the academic success of her charges.  In terms of accountability, yes, our heads will roll when the performance is poor.

But then again...
What about other factors?
What about the condition of the pitch, the weather, short-sighted linesmen and refs?
What about distractions from the vuvuzelas?
What about the new unpredictable ball used?
What about the attitude of the players and team?
What about luck?

At the end, quantity seems to count...the team that scored the most goal in the match, wins.
The coach...his fate lies in that.
So is how an educator too, seems to be judged.  (If my team is not even in the major league, what does it say of me?)
Hmmmmmm......

Life...

No, I did not stop writing. There are far too many entries saved as draft to support that conclusion.
Since jotting down my random thoughts can be highly personal, I was afraid what the recent outpourings would reveal.  There are some things which are fresh, and raw...and I think sometimes, I need to take cover.

The first 6 months have been eventful.
When things happen, it is always good to be able to take one step back and reflect; instead of simply reacting to the situation. I think I am able to see the bigger picture, from consequences of past actions, to personal choices made, and of many things done and not done. Of opportunities not taken, of why things that I think I have planned will end up thwarted.

I have received one too many 'wake-up' calls.
God has given me many blessings; some of which come so naturally that I take things for granted. Life is one of them.  It's true you know...when people say that you don't really know the good things you have, until you lose them.

When Iffah feel ill, there were so many unanswered questions.
It is easy to be consumed by feelings of guilt and remorse; over my own shortcomings as a mother.  What have I done wrong? Have I been selfish in the pursuit of my own goals?
And when some of the deeper reasons were surfaced, the dilemma continues...Have I, in trying to protect my child from the harsh realities of the world, make her emotionally vulnerable when it comes to the crunch?
How much do I know of my own children?

This holiday too...well, it seems that holiday has become an elusive idea...that exists in the recesses of my heart and mind. I know...my responsibilities must not be taken lightly.  But I have reached a point when self-denial and escapism become the modus operandi of my daily existence. I have forced myself to focus on work...getting things done, yet I am put off by the things I once used to love. 

I have told myself countless times that I need to get my priorities right.
Yes...but do you know how much courage it takes to really get down to doing that?
The decisions have someone been put aside, because of circumstances and what nots....deep down, I know that they are mere excuses.

One reminder came over the weekend...
A dear cousin, someone I have grown up with, is gravely ill.
There...a logical person can triangulate the signs and signals.
The C markers....do run in the family genes....especially the females.

But instead of doing something about it, why do we seem to sweep this obvious reality aside?
What makes us run away in self-denial...and trying to put off things we which can do now, that would probably save our lives.
I've had my fair share of scares in the past...surgery is not an option that I want...
So is that why I throw myself into the job...(and allow it to consume me)...so that I can forget about another bigger issue?

Life is precious...life is fragile...life...is the grace of God that allows us to live for another day.
Choose to live...
Choose right...
Act now.

The Enemy Within

I wonder if I should even be writing this entry...whether it is worth it to think about this, when the person that I am directing this to is so dead fixed in mindset, that I might as well be crashing my head against a brick wall (which probably would be less painful)

Anyway, I shall say what I think I need to say.
Negativitism kills...
Not physically....but mentally, emotionally, spiritually...you feel like a huge Dementor is sucking the life out of you.
This person loves to be negative...I just don't know why...and the worst thing is, it is directed to the self, and of course the people who are supposedly the 'closest'. Life has been a series of unfortunate events...one after another, all setting the individual for downfalls after downfalls.

It has been hard trying to change a person's perception...especially if it is deeply entrenched with bitterness, regrets, and hate.  The sad thing is...any attempts to help is rebuffed.

I wish you well.

Self-awareness

Yesterday, I had to do a difficult thing.
I did not clear a contract teacher, who is currently on attachment in school, to move on to NIE for the next semester.
I have never done that before.

All these while, I think I have tried to look for the strengths in people, and perhaps, believed that somehow, the flaws can be overlooked. Teaching is definitely not a matter of simply delivering content knowledge. It involves relationships with people...and if you are detached and impersonal, how then would you be able to reach out to others?

I am indeed a dinosaur, holding on to that romantic notion that teaching is a noble profession.  Teaching is more of a 'calling', you are definitely not going to be in it for the money. Yes, it can be a stable job, but hah, you have to put your soul into it...and sometimes, it feels you lose a lot of yourself along the way.

What is happening to the teaching profession lately?
Gen Y & Z...the group of young restless people, who put their needs first before others.
This is the new set of values...for things like loyalty, hard work, compassion and altruism go right to the bottom of the list...

This young individual...claims to want to teach.
But...she does not like people very much, preferring to keep to herself.
Then the question is how is she going to relate to her charges and their parents?

And the worst thing is, I cannot get through the facade...how can you come across as if you don't care?
Educating young people have often meant going down to a level which you sometimes never expect to stoop,  or doing things that you would not dream of doing.

When asked for a reason: - "I do not trust people"
Then is the job choice a right one?
I don't know...this is a job which you sometimes have to feel as though you are a sitting duck for many unexpected things.
You get hurt, angry, upset, insulted...but you will learn to laugh, and grow, especially with the children.

I hope she understands why I am being cruel to be kind.
She is not ready, and needs to find herself first.

But that also leaves me with a big question for self-reflection
What happens when I lose my own heart for teaching?
Leave Dee....leave.

When Titans clash...

I am sooooo mad right now.
Mad at myself, and two other people who think they are my friends.
I am furious at how one seemingly innocent thing has sparked a war, and in the end, I end up being the stupid one caught in between.

No...this time, I refused to say that it is my fault.
How can it be?
All it started out with was that statement on facebook....about my obsession with B&J....and how eating ice-cream helps me out with my marking.

Then it started...people added comments.
Not so much about me and B&Js...(which I can definitely take)...
but something about marking and going to 'war'.
Yup...a full scale war of words did escalate between 2 people....2 hot-headed and opinionated people.

It's either damned I do, damned I don't case.
Both are my friends...and they don't know each other....
But how dare they want me to take sides?

I am fuming because I am a coward.
Instead of telling both them off...I took the easy way out.
Easy, my foot.
Why do I have to suspend my FB accounts because of them?

Dee, you are too too too soft.
All you have to do was to give them a piece of your mind.

But as educators, they forget.
Their accounts are tied to their students...and the whole world can read the comments.
If teachers engage in verbal slanging...then what are we teaching the students?
That we cannot give and take...that arguments have to be aired in public...with name callings and all?
No...
that is the rationale that I am going by.

Sometimes, one wins by saying nothing.
People will see me as a coward, but I maintain my dignity.
What's the point of standing up for your rights..if in the process, you create a lot of unhappiness for other people.

"Hold your head high, and keep those fists down"....
I have chosen...to lose.

Just random

My mind is beginning to rust, and the cobwebs are gathering around my brain.
I need to write...anything...something...after the 'harrowing' experience today.

If I teach language, why do I not understand what was spoken?
Hahaha...evolution...
Widgets, tweets, pb,...and other fangled thingies...
I belong in another era...and if I do not learn to adapt, then I will definitely lose my place.

I supposed that is how ol' Willie Shakespeare might have felt when he reads my kind of english.
Sigh...

Motherhood statements...

I think I have grown older this week; simply by the random events that has taken place. And since I believe that God has made it such that all things happen for a reason (which may be beyond my comprehension), the only way to make sense is to tie all the loose ends together.

I will begin with Iffah first.
True, she gave me a scare...but do you realise the fear I feel if I were to lose my daughter?
It has been one shaky rickety journey even since her diagnosis.
Yes, she has psychosis...and the first question the doctors ask is "Does this run in the family?"
God, do they know what they are implying when they say that?
No, there is no family history of this...
II thought I am a lousy mother...to possibly have passed a defective gene that my child has to carry like an albatross on her shoulder...

Are the voices in my head when I speak to myself the same as the voices she has been hearing?
And what about the silent accusing eyes...which seem to think that I have driven my child to such a state..."You must have been pressurising her...or neglecting her....you don't give her enough love!"
Never have I felt so low...and the insecurities of my ineffectiveness as a parent have been surfaced. What kind of mother am I...putting others before my own child.

Never question a mother's love for her child.
The heartbreaking moments....when I had to tell Iffah that I would not let her go for her trip, and seeing the torrents of tears.
The joyous moments...of Zafran's success, and of Akmal's progress towards his goals.

Then there are those I call as my own...my growing brood of special kids...
One, who made me proud, when publicly medalled as a hero for saving a life.
One, who became my pillar of support through my troubled times with many little gestures of care and concern,
One, who told me happy stories of how he was moving along.
One, whose thoughtfulness and empathy find a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise gloomy week.

But it has been a turmultuous week too for a few...
To S...patience is the key...stay strong You will prove your parents wrong
To K..I'll pray so that the pain will go away.
and to AB...don't lose heart yet...and don't fall back into the cycle.

Dear God,
Forgive me for all of my shortcomings.
Let my actions always be governed by love and understanding
I may not be the best or prefect mother, but I love them all so.
Bless and protect all my children so that they are always in YOUR loving care,
Ameen

The Night

I had spend almost 3 days at the hospital...namely one that is specially for children.
And last evening, I slept (kept awake) through....

...listening to your gentle breathing,
...waiting as anxiously as you for the clear sign
...just as disappointed when you had to stay on.

Outside,
a hive of activties abuzz
the tiny cries of wee ones in pain piercing through
frantic mothers hushing
the machines quiet hums creating the white noise behind.

God knows...
the tired, sad children who longs for home
and not the cold sterile comfort of the green bed.
The gentle heroes go about their daily rountines
with cheery hellos of "are you feeling better"

Over at the other ward
eerie silence of young souls
prisoned to their beds
shaved heads
battling the invasion of  manevolent armies within.
the caregivers...having to stay strong
slumped over in private tears
once night descents.

I know you want to go home
I want to...
God, be merciful....
God, the provider
Bless the little children who are ill.

The Last Lecture

I have not written lately because....
just because.
Hopefully , this entry will make more sense.

I stumbled upon Randy Pausch's book, "The Last Lecture" and have been mulling over its contents ever since.  He was a university professor who died about two years ago, but not before he left such a strong legacy over his students, and most of all...his 3 young children. I read the book...and teared over it...Now if only I can find the 'courage' to watch the much circulated clip on youtube...I guess I will weep buckets.

Of all the things that was said, the most lasting impression has been created by this simple yet profound statement. (much like Low Guat Tin's deathbed legacy question years ago)
"If you have one last chance to share your knowledge with the world, what would you say, and what would your legacy be?"

Do we leave our footprints in the sand...or cast it in stone?

Last week, I thought I had achieved a milestone in my life...after I got that small token of recognition of being in the service for 20 years. Hah! How that had fed my 'ego'...What gave me the right to even think that I had a hand in moulding the lives of some of my students?  Why had I not seen the equation the other way around...that without them, I am nothing.

What would I leave behind?
,,,,probably dust ...

Happy Birthday,my darling daughter

Iffah turned 15 yesterday.
And as I watched her over family dinner last evening, I think of the many episodes that have marked her life.
She is my one and only girl; I love her dearly.

Iffah has grown...15 years suddenly seem so short.  Where did the time go?
This was my baby who decided that she would make life a little more exciting for mummy.
She was 'an owl'...who slept during the day, and wanted attention and play after 12pm.

From young, she already had a mine of her own.
She was then seeming reticent and stoic...refusing to speak to any stranger other than family.
If we took her out, she would rather keep a stony silence rather than warm up to attempts to thaw her out.
And if she insisted in doing something she had set her mind to do, nothing will make her change her ways. .. and that included weeks on end wearing "Power Rangers" T-shirt and shorts, and once, a whole day in a swimming costume!

Haha...back then I vision of dressing up my little princess in cute frilly girly things when up in smoke.  She hated dresses and accessories, and I rued (haha) the times when I had to give away expensive unworn gowns to other people because she refused to wear them.  Forget Barbie...she used to dislike the dolls and so again, we made sure that no one gave them to her.

But there has been frightening little episodes that made me realise that she will truly be my special child.
... the fever fits and the stay in hospital when she was a baby
... the encounter when she accidentally locked herself in the car, and we had to smash the windcreen to get her out.
... the years of having to patch her eyes because of genetic disorder
... the cases of 'bullying' by rowdy and insensitive classmates
... the broken arm
and now....a new challenge....which I think she will learn to overcome in time.

Be proud of who you are Iffah sayang....
Mama loves you...Zarifah...my girl...
Always give your best in whatever you do.
Keep up always being good and compassionate.
May Allah keep you strong, healthy and wise.

I love you.

It feels good...

Over the past few days, in order to complete a school project, I have been in touch with a number of my ex-students; some of whom went way back with me when I was a new beginning teacher.  In those days, I really underwent a sharp learning curve, for each new day, I learnt something new and valuable.

I made mistakes, I fell; I did a few things I was not proud of.
There were many days when I felt like giving up.
But it was the kids who kept me going., and that despite the challenges, I was learning from them as much (I hope) they were learning from me.

I entered the teaching service in 1989...so it has more than 20 years that I have been teaching.
Wow...where did all that time go?
The kids I used to teach have been able to come back to me and proclaim, "Cher...you used to teach me...now you are teaching my child!" ...I have become ancient!
If I am to retire at 65, good grief! I need to keep on going for another 21 years at least...just like now.
Can I make it that long?

I don't know about that, but as long as I keep on hearing the good news the kids have to offer now and then, I think there is enough fuel to sustain the interest and passion.  I felt a little sad when some of them said, "Cher..I do not think what I have done is something worth 'shouting' about.

But they are forget...
'Greatness' is something hard to define...
But if the self continues to believe and keeps up the drive to be the best that you can be,
you are already great in someone's eyes.

And so, to my kids out there,...you are great.
You have all come a long way.
And thank you...for giving me hope, and the courage to go on....

Belief

This is not original.  This was sent to me by a friend.
I want to write something similiar, but I supposed the version here (writer unknown) captures the essence of what I feel too. I have added a few lines of my own here and there.

I Believe (Anonymous)


I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change.
Or that...perhaps, we are the ones who need to change.

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
And I as a friend, must be true to them.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
It is not how much you love, but how you love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life.
A moment of impulse should not lead to a lifetime of regrets.

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be.
But if I am patient and peservering
I will be who I truly am and do great things.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
Never end the day angry or upset with those who mean much to you.

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
Never say die...and keep pushing yourself.

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel.
We have the freedom to choose...the best of what life can offer.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
And that attitude in the long run, outperforms your aptitude.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs
to be done, regardless of the consequences.
And there is a hero in each of us.

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
And not to be misled that those whom you think will rally around you
are the ones who will always be there.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel,
Nor the right to indulgence in vengence.

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
That if you learn from the lessons of life, you are a much better person.

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself..
by simply being your own best friend.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
Learn to bounce back...
Move on...move on.

I Believe....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different.
Embrace diversity and accept differences.

I Believe....
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you.
So never make judgements until you know others well.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help.
And if you reach up for God too,
He will be your guide.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
That money cannot buy decency and good manners
or imbibe integrity in a person.

I Believe
The happiest of people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have

 I just need ....to believe.